We Can't All Have A Full Quiver

     As I'm sure you have guessed, ATI is really big on people having big families. If you have had a surgery to prevent having more children, ATI wants you to have this reversed before you are accepted. At the conferences each year they have what is called "The Reversal Choir" which is made up of children who were born after their parents had their surgeries reversed. It's a group of  "Lost Pearls" as ATI refers to them (Nowhere near as much fun as the Lost Boys) who never would have existed if God didn't change their parents' mind about letting God decide the size of their family. Psalm 127:3-5 is often referenced, "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of he womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:..." I was going through the Wisdom Booklets (ATI's "school" books) lately and found a great deal of writing on this passage. ATI takes the Bible very literally and notes that the husband is seen as successful and strong if he has a small army at home. However, if there is not a small army at home, this is the fault of the wife. "The fruit of the womb is his (God's) reward." So the lack of a fertile womb is clearly a punishment for a sin committed by the wife. I have found no mention of the woman being seen as stronger for having her quiver full of arrows.

At least Disney gets it. 

     I have one sister. In ATI this was unheard of. I was often asked why my parents were going against ATI's teachings and not having more children. I am not sure if my parents used anything to avoid pregnancy, I just assumed they didn't like each other that much. We lived in a one bedroom apartment until I was 16. "Letting God decide the size of our family" would, in my opinion, have been very irresponsible. It was hard enough to make ends meet with 2 kids. If God decided the size of our family, that size would be "malnourished". My mother is not good at being pregnant. She was very close to death when having me. She was on bed rest for 6 months when she was pregnant with my sister. When I was a teenager my mother got very sick and had to have emergency surgery because my little brother was a really rude, stealthy little embryo who no one knew existed until my mother almost died from bleeding out during a miscarriage. There may only be two of us, but Hope and I are all the arrows our parents could handle. Besides, We like to be able to spread out in our quiver. 

This is when we decided to wear non-ATI approved skirts for Thanksgiving

     Many of the families in ATI have children who are severely disabled. Obviously terminating a pregnancy is a sin punishable by death, according to Mr Gothard. Many families are struggling to provide for the rest of their children because one child needs all the resources available. Now, I give all the credit in the world to parents and siblings who have a child in their family with disabilities. I cannot begin to understand the daily struggles and worries they experience, and many of the kids I have met who have grown up with a disabled sibling turn out to be some of the most responsible, caring people I have ever met. However, a few weeks into the pregnancy if it is discovered that something is not right, I feel that further action should be the choice of the parents, not of the cult. ATI is not going to raise your child, or pay your bills. 

    Several times throughout the Wisdom Booklets I have found examples of  women who are plagued with physical or mental illness because of "guilt" about having ended a pregnancy, or who have been unable to conceive due to past sin in their lives. These "case studies" have all been done by men and have not included factors such as nutrition, sleep, fitness, family history, abuse, or medication. Of course these women were not on medications for their mental illness, because mental problems are caused by the Devil, and couldn't possibly be from a hormonal imbalance. One case was about a woman who was deathly afraid to leave her house and ATI clearly traced this back to the time when, as a teenager, she secretly ended a pregnancy. The Wisdom Book claims that once she confessed her sin to God and got her heart right with Him again that she was miraculously cured of her agoraphobia. 

    The thing that infuriates me the most about this is that they use the word "guilt". Yes, perhaps this woman had feelings of guilt, but that word is used over and over in their writings when guilt is not indicated by the woman. There are many, many feelings associated with pregnancy, or the lack thereof. Infertility is devastating enough without being told that it is your fault. I have had 6 pregnancies, and I have no arrows. I miscarried 5 of those. Without being told that I was sinning, I had what I feel were natural pangs of guilt. Did I skip a prenatal vitamin? Did I lift something too heavy? Should I not have gone to work? Could I have done anything to prevent one of my patients from punching me in the stomach?  No. After a few weeks I settled down and realized that none of this was anything that I could have done or prevented. My doctor said I probably wouldn't have even known about some of them if I hadn't tested so early (some were only 4-5 weeks along) and I would have had a missed miscarriage, which happens way more often than you would think seeing as the bleeding from the early miscarriage is often just mistaken for a slightly late, but heavy period. I always tested early though because each time, I knew instantly. I am not one of those pretty, glowing pregnant women. I've never had to wait until I was late to know that I should test. I start vomiting the instant that swimmer breaks his way past the barrier. I smell everything. I pee constantly. If my gums start bleeding, I call my OB, not my dentist. I become absolutely exhausted. I have even been able to tell which ovary was the releasing one for that pregnancy (confirmed by my doctor). I told you, my body is a wonderland.  

    I handled the miscarriages "okay". I stopped getting excited when I saw that second blue line after I peed on a stick. I never told many people, or even started to look at baby stuff, because it got to the point where I was never surprised when I would start to bleed and feel like my insides were tearing. I went to the ER one of the times, and they didn't even do an exam. I got some fluids and was sent on my way. After that I just started handling them on my own. Drink lots of fluids to combat the blood loss, take some Advil for the tearing, and cry a little. I didn't even call out of work for the last 3.

      Pregnancy number 6 is what got me. I had started to feel some of the usual symptoms, but I had just miscarried a month before, so I figured I just still didn't feel great. I didn't test as early and didn't find out until week 6, when the baby was about the size of a lentil. This became my sister's name for the baby, Lentil. The only reason I even decided to test was to convince my brain that I truly did just have a new found taste for mayonnaise covered Butterfingers and that nothing else could possibly be happening. I was wrong.

Yep, the first thing I did was go get nachos. 

    I went for my ultrasound and Lentil was too small to be seen from the external ultrasound, so they had to do an internal one.  They said that based on my last period, Lentil was much smaller than he should be, but not to worry yet because it was possible that I just ovulated later than they would have expected. They scheduled me for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if it really was just a matter of late ovulation. I went home disappointed but not surprised. I tried not to worry, but that was nearly impossible. Some of my girlfriends have told me that sometimes they would forget that they were pregnant because nothing bothered them. Not me. I was reminded almost constantly. I had every symptom possible. I even hated the smell of water. After a very long two weeks it was time for the follow-up ultrasound. They were still not able to see Lentil on the external ultrasound, so they had to do another internal ultrasound. Before we saw Lentil on the screen I knew the news would be bad because by now he should have been big enough for the external one. There is a song called "The Piano Is Not Firewood Yet" and a line in that songs goes "the heart beats in threes, just like a waltz..." that got stuck in my head as we sat there and heard Lentil's heartbeat for the first time. We were now three heartbeats, but one was much, much slower than it should have been. They told me I would probably miscarry soon.

     Being pregnant is unpleasant as it is. I imagine that it is made slightly better by knowing that at the end of it all you will get a tiny little squishy (my word for babies. I got it from Finding Nemo). One night at work I had brought a man into the ER who was quite high. Before I could give report, I fainted. My patient was kind enough to help get me up and sit me on a stretcher. He then kept yelling "Hey! Medic lady! Are you pregnant? I know that's it! Medic lady! I told them you was gonna fall out but they didn't let me get you a chair! I got you, Medic lady!" He was sweet but I wanted him to stop giving my coworkers the idea of pregnancy. Most people don't announce a pregnancy for a while anyway. I had no desire to share my news only to follow it with the information that I was only waiting for the pregnancy to end any day.

     I went to the doctor a few weeks later and the pregnancy still hadn't been lost. Lentil was still so small that we couldn't see him on the external ultrasound. I was never able to find out officially if Lentil was a girl or boy, so I decided boy. I had also chosen a unisex name in case I was wrong, but I didn't get that far, and I don't like "it", so he's a boy because who is anyone to tell me otherwise?  If by some chance Lentil made it to birth, he would have been severely disabled, mentally and physically, and even making it to birth was a huge "IF". The bigger he got (he was growing, but just very slowly), the more difficult it would be to either deliver a stillborn, or have surgery to end the pregnancy after several more weeks of torture and heading down the path of possible sepsis. If I was an ATI follower, there would be nothing to think about. The plan would be to do all I could to bring a child into the world who had very little hope for a future, even if that meant huge risks to my health. That was not something I could do to my child.

      After many nights of tears, I made the Dr recommended (yes, with second opinion) choice to have the surgery to end the pregnancy. My Dr did not perform these surgeries, which is one of the reasons I went to him in the first place. He referred me to planned parenthood for the D&C. Never in my life would I have imagined I would find myself in that waiting room. I had one final ultrasound, which at 3 months still needed to be internal. I had been so upset until that point, until we saw that ultrasound photo. Lentil was so small and his heartbeat was so slow. It was surprising I had made it to 3 months. That was when I felt this was absolutely the right thing for us to do.  I had to go in for the surgery and prep alone because they don't want women feeling pressured by the fathers to do anything they don't want to do, which is perfectly understandable. So I went in for the surgery and he waited in the waiting room, holding the final picture.

Lentil's birthday is May 14th, and he is named Francis. 

      The surgery was fairly quick, and the staff was amazingly supportive and attentive. Anesthesia would have cost me $1000 out of pocket, so I opted for a localized pain killer. It didn't hurt any more than a spontaneous miscarriage, but there was a great deal more tearing this time. The sudden tearing feeling of Francis being separated from me is not one I will forget. If I could go back in time and change only one thing about my life, it would be to have spent that $1000.  My recovery went fairly well, mostly because I have an amazing support system of people who, no matter what their stance on the issue, told me that they agreed that I made the best choice for the three of us. 

     For anyone who has ever known me for longer than 40 seconds, you know that all I want is my own squishy. However, I want my squishy when the timing is best, and I want only what is best for my squishy. I did not desire to try to hold onto the hope of carrying Francis full term when that would not have been best for him. Another very meaningful line from a song has become "Love is watching someone die". At first this may seem morbid, but it is very, very true for us. Love is doing what is best for that person, even if it isn't the way you wanted things to happen. Guilt was never an emotion that I felt during this process. Sadness, helplessness, anger, but mostly love. Not guilt. 

     Since the surgery, my body has still not returned to normal and neither has my subconscious. When I was pregnant, I couldn't stand eggs, mint, or peanut butter. Now I have had to work very hard not to cry over being able to eat those things again. I am frequently nauseated because my body is a wonderland, and the first thing anyone ever asks is if I am pregnant. I understand that this is the most common response to a vomiting 27 year old woman, but I have become pretty good (depending on the day) at not breaking down in tears over an innocent question. The worst part is that I still have recurring dreams about the surgery. My most common dream is where I am holding a snow globe and tiny Francis is inside of it, but no matter what I do, I can't wake him up, and then suddenly, the snow globe shatters in my hands. That is only one among several, but I have that one most often. I am most comfortable sleeping on my stomach, and I have been known to wake up in a panic that I am crushing my squishy. In all of my dreams, I am still pregnant, but I also still have a broken ankle. My subconscious is not great at updating its files. Seeing a counselor has helped a great deal, as well as friends who understand and never offer me mints or peanut butter cups.  I went to the Dr for my follow up visits, and it seems that the surgery left me with some scarring. It now seems that the chance of getting pregnant is near impossible. If by some chance any little swimmers are actually able to get past the "initial tunnel", the chance of implantation is remarkably small (hence even IVF would be futile). That being said, I am not looking to try to have a squishy in the very near future, so even with the small, small chance of anything happening, hooray nuvaring! When I am ready again, I can always adopt, or I can borrow someone else's oven for my bun. 

A few months after all of this, I got this tattoo. "Even miracles take a little time" is one of my favorite Cinderella quotes, because eventually, in some way, I will have my squishy. In the scroll work you can see Francis' initials. 

(This photo was taken right after I got it done, hence the redness.)

     I adore all of the squishies  I get to borrow and snuggle. I love the twins I watch as if they were my own. I will barter almost anything for babysitting, and if there is a squishy at an event, I am going to find it and give it a whole bunch of love. I am grateful that I have understanding friends who know that I only want one person to tell me "Happy Mothers' Day", because no matter what, I was a mom, but I want to be ignored by everyone else. I have very sweet coworkers who know that I need to sob after doing a call for a 14 week home delivery, or that I get more angry than others who deal with squishy abuse cases while trying so hard not wonder why things are so unfair. I utterly despise anyone who, after learning of 6 lost pregnancies, asks "Did you try to figure out why that happens? Do you think it was stress? Did you ask a doctor? There has to be a reason that keeps happening". Those people end up regretting their words almost instantly.  I adore my friends who know what it's like to scroll through a facebook feed full of your friend's kids while you are still posting pictures of your latest night out, or who know that that bump you have is from too much pizza, and not from an adorable reason to loosen your pants. I love my best friend who will automatically squeeze my hand if we are watching TV and anything pregnancy or squishy related comes on. 

     Of all of the reasons I am thrilled to be free from ATI and the cult, this has been the one with the most impact for me. I am so glad that I don't have to hear that this all happened as a punishment for something I had done. I am not forced to feel guilty for committing no wrong. I love that I don't have to do things the way that ATI would want me to, and if in several years I decide that men are still terrible, I have options for making a squishy without a husband if I need to do so. (Yay, science!)  I may have a quiver of invisible arrows, and I may need to find a different way to acquire future arrows, but that doesn't make your quiver any more blessed than mine. 

      

      

Raise That Bar, Gorgeous!

    People tell me often that they are so proud of me for escaping the cult of ATI. Indeed, I have come so far from where I used to be, but I am still not completely free. Escaping a cult is much more than crawling out of my proverbial bunker into the sunlight. Part of me is still trapped in the way of thinking that immersed me for so many years. My sister and my mother are still very much in the cult at their church. I am constantly worried that my sister will end up marrying a guy from the cult and she will be subservient as our mother is and she will never reach her true potential. It is easier to worry about my sister than it is to worry about myself. I don't always see it right away, but I still subconsciously expect guys to treat me terribly.

     Over the last year or so I have been seeing just what is out there for options of guys, and the more I date, the more I realize that finding a prince is going to take kissing a lot more frogs!

      I was chatting with my mother today about how terribly stupid guys are and how they don't even realize when they are being rude. She told me that I am not the easiest person in the world to date either and if I don't stop being so critical, I am going to end up alone. I wonder, is that such a bad thing? 

       It was much easier to date when I was fresh out of the cult and naive, and before I met Dreamy Eyes. Dreamy Eyes spoiled all men for me forever by helping me to see that it's okay to say "no" to a guy and to tell them what I don't like. It's okay to expect respect and to leave a date if I don't feel like I am being treated as I want to be treated. I have a Tinder account, which is mostly just for entertainment because I love arguing with guys who are terrible and I will be posting some of those conversations for fun little side articles to show just how awful it is out there. Of the dozens of matches, I felt like a select few were not terrible, and I agreed to dinner. If I had gone on these dates fresh out of the cult, I would probably be married again by now. If all I wanted was a "good Christian man" who wanted to have a bunch of babies I'd be all set. In the cult you are taught not to argue with a man and that men are basically allowed to do whatever they want once you are in a relationship and that they are to be obeyed. 

     One of my first boyfriends had anger issues. I honestly started dating him because he asked me out and I didn't want to be rude. So I told my mother it would probably only last 2 weeks. It lasted 4 years. Once in a while when we would fight he would hold a knife to my stomach or my throat and I would have to remain very still. Sometimes he would press it harder and harder against my skin to test how much I trusted him. Each time this happened, he would apologize profusely the next day and promise that it would never happen again. I never asked for pity because I knew I was the one making the choice to trust him and give him yet another chance. Bill Gothard teaches that once you have slept with someone, you need to get married to make it right in God's eyes. So, I planned on marrying him, hoping that he would eventually not want to kill me. The benefit of having knives held to my neck was that I became very good at dealing with psychiatric patients and "talking them down" in hectic situations. I finally left for good one day and didn't look back. 

     I thought I was independent and strong when I got married. My ex-husband never hurt me, and I am not even sure that he knew this, but I don't like to mess around when I first wake up. I have very vivid dreams and sometimes I am not actually all the way awake when I start my day and I need a few minutes to adjust to reality. I often feel very vulnerable and embarrassed by being touched at all when I first wake up, depending on the dream I have just had, but I never said anything because a woman should never deny her husband something he wanted. I'm sure if I said I wanted some time he wouldn't have cared, but it never even crossed my mind to bring up the fact that I felt awkward. This was just what being married should be. It takes a lot of bleach to undo brain washing. 

     Since then I  have been learning more and more about what boundaries I have and lines that I will not allow to be crossed. Some guys find my boundaries odd and too picky, which at first made me think I should just get over it. No! I should only date a guy who is respectful of my comfort level. I was never allowed to be barefoot when I was young. I couldn't wear open toed shoes or paint my toenails. I wore socks to bed. My friends were also required to wear socks when visiting my house. It wasn't until I was older and came upon an unfortunate google search history on the family computer that I realized why my father didn't allow bare feet. It infuriates me that I was punished because as a girl, it is my fault that I caused a man to be tempted and not that my father would have to deal with controlling a fetish. If I happen to fall asleep wearing my socks, I have been told that I will rip them off and throw them across the room. If a guy so much as touches my feet, I get really nauseated. 

      I understand that tickling is a common flirtatious act and that spanking is a common action with couples in playful or passionate situations, but both will make me either cry or want to break your arm. When I was little and used to get out of the bath and be standing in my towel, my father would tickle me. I hated this because I was naked and if I dropped my towel I would have nothing there to protect myself. I was recently on a date and the guy simply forgot that I didn't like tickling. I instantly placed a death grip on his wrists and he said the look in my eyes was terrifying. I don't intend at all to be mean, but the instinct to protect myself has grown very strong. I got spanked a lot as a kid also. I get that parents spank, but I never found it as anything other than pure punishment. We had a variety of wooden spoons that were used for spanking. One was long and thin which made a very sharp sting. Another was round and flat and covered more area. If I had committed a terrible offense my father would call home from work every few hours to make sure that my mother spanked me some more. My mother was merciful though and found a pillow that was thick and sounded like muscle when hit (my father would insist on hearing the spanking happen) and I got good at wailing at the right moment so that it appeared my sentence had been served. Sometimes my father would hit when I had done nothing wrong but instead of apologize, he would tell me that I had probably done something wrong and not been punished for it, so I still deserved the punishment. Guys still think it's okay to push the issue though. Their calls no longer get answered. 

      When I got divorced I set myself up at Dreamy Eyes apartment and lived on his couch until I felt better.  (Don't tell him I feel better!) Since then he has spoiled me. If I stay over between work shifts, he will have my bed all set up with a top sheet (I have been really good about where I squeeze the toothpaste), the pillow cases with the openings facing out because I don't like those near my face, an extra pillow for snuggling, a heating pad already heated if it is winter, and my phone charger plugged into the nearest outlet. He thinks this is standard nice behavior. I think it is beyond what would be expected. I would be happy with a blanket on the couch. I mentioned that I like cucumbers in my water, and now there are bags of sliced cucumber in the fridge. I kept forgetting to grab a hairbrush, and one day this appeared on my shelf:

     Each time I go on a date and tell Dreamy Eyes about it, he gets increasingly frustrated that guys are terrible. I have lamented that I will end up needing to lower my expectations and each time I do, I hear a very encouraging and supportive "Raise that bar, Gorgeous!" 

     I have been working on raising that bar, but sometimes the bar gets heavy and exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who isn't amused by his own farts? Why is it too much to ask for them to treat wait staff like people? Why must they get offended if I get annoyed when my level of comfort and safety is approaching its limits? I was out hiking on one date and it got dark. I had my phone with me but he had nothing. I used my phone for a flashlight and I wanted to keep my map page open so we could have the best route back to the car. We sat for a bit and seeing as I had tight pants, my phone wouldn't fit in my pocket, so I put it in my bra. My date was irritated that I put my phone there because he wanted to explore. I was not even a little bit interested in that and was happy with where I had placed my phone. He offered to put my phone in his pocket and got very offended when I refused. At this point I was ready to go home. I don't think he was a bad guy nor do I think he was trying to take my phone away on purpose, but it bothered me that he didn't respect that he was crossing my level of feeling safe. A few years ago I'm sure I would have politely handed over the phone. Now I am bold enough to insist on what I need to do to remain in my comfort zone. 

     I wish there was some way to decline a future date without being made to feel like the villain. It would be easier if guys would just accept "Thanks for dinner, it was lovely to meet you, but no thank you". They don't. They always ask why. Why if I want to date did I not want to date them? Why did I decide so much after one date instead of giving them more chances? I am not into wasting my time and then having it be worse by wasting their time also after 6 of 7 dates. Why if they insist on hearing my reasons for declining do they then get offended by the fact that I noticed bothersome flaws? 

After being spoiled by Dreamy Eyes I now find it unacceptable that if while driving I say "Hey look, Taco Bell is still open!" that they don't understand that this means "Get me a mommy fudging quesadilla".  I no longer feel like I need a prince to rescue me, because, as Dreamy Eyes says "If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you have is a distressed damsel".  I do however like to be doted upon and treated like a girly girl. None of the guys I've dated have bought me flowers. That is of course not a deal breaker, but flowers make me smile. Dreamy Eyes has gotten me several beautiful bouquets for no reason other than he says that he likes making me happy. Flowers make me REALLY happy.

      The other day I could not find my giant glass of cucumber water. I thought that Dreamy Eyes had thrown it away because I had done something annoying. I sighed and said "Well, I guess I deserved that" and he spent several minutes telling me that not only did he not throw out my drink, but that I would not have deserved it if he had. Another time we were having pasta and as I went to have some of his I dropped a noodle on the floor. He picked it up and ate it. I was shocked that HE ate it and didn't make me eat it, since I was the one who dropped and wasted it. It is just instinctual for me to think that if I have been remotely wrong, I deserve to be belittled and punished. I KNOW that I don't, and after a few moments I get back to reality, but it is buried deep into my brain that I am worthless and should find it normal to be treated poorly by men. I am so grateful that Dreamy Eyes has helped me to see that men shouldn't be terrible, although I still believe I am forever spoiled. There is a line from one of my favorite movies that goes "My father's house was a nightmare. Your house was a dream. Now I want something in between." 

     I am not at all where ATI would think I should be by now. I am 27, single, and have seen none of my children born. I work 4 jobs and I am working on higher education. I am not in a foreign country as a missionary. I am not under the authority of a man. As I was getting ready for work today I realized that for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I smile just because I feel like it. I don't want to settle for guys who are less than what I need. I am proud of myself for being able to stand my ground and not give in when guys attempt guilt trips. One of my patients asked me if I was married, and I said "no". The patient told me "Oh, well that's okay". I smiled and told them that yes, it is very much okay, because for the first time in my life I don't feel like I am out to attain a goal that someone else thinks I should have. I am exactly where I should be, and I intend on getting that bar higher and higher as I continue to fight my way out of the cult's very real bondage. 

    

5 Molestations and Counting (as requested by popular demand)

      For the last few years, whenever I would tell someone that I was homeschooled, it was easiest to tell them that I was raised in ATI, the same program that the Duggars use. Most people had heard of the Duggars and their ever growing family. My mother would always joke and say "we knew them when they only had 11!" We met the Duggars at one of our ATI conferences in Knoxville, and they were just as they appear on TV. But that is how all ATI families are trained to be. The Duggars aren't special. Everyone in ATI is taught to give soft spoken answers while "deflecting praise" and bringing honor to God in everything that is said. My mother and I, along with a hefty portion of America, watched the TLC show each week. My mother and I started playing a game where every time a Duggar was being interviewed, we would see how close of an answer we could give to what that Duggar would say. This is a fairly easy game to play if you have been in ATI for more than 8 seconds. You learn the language. I have a post about the language of ATI that I wrote a few months ago. It's all about how you look to the world. When ATI families travel, they should be the best dressed family on an airplane so that people will notice them and if a comment is made, the family can direct attention to God and have a chance to bring glory to Him. ATI trains you to think that you are humble, but really all you are doing is drawing more and more attention to yourself by trying to be better than "the world". 
    
       I, along with many of you, watched as Josh Duggar began his courtship with Anna. This was a fairly standard process for ATI students, but to America, it was strange. They made it known that they had been saving their first kiss for marriage. Jim Bob and Michelle would say in their interviews that they had given in to temptation, and had not brought glory to God with their bodies when they were dating, so they trained their children to pursue courtship. In ATI, dating is not allowed. We were taught that dating leads to divorce because you are allowed to give in to any desires of the flesh you choose. There are no boundaries and no consequences for violating those boundaries (a prom night baby was not viewed as a consequence. All pregnancies are a blessing and although this would bring shame to the high schoolers' families and probably mean that the mother could not go to college, but women shouldn't go to college anyway and this would keep one more woman in the kitchen where she belongs...hence, blessing). 

       Courtship involves very little input on the woman's side. When a young man feels that God is speaking to him about the young lady who should be his "help meet" (aka his downstairs gets tingly when this lady walks by) the young man is then to go to his father and have his father pray about the matter to see if God also tells the father that this young lady should bear his future generations. Once God has cleared this with these two, the young man should go to the father of the young lady. Her father then must pray about the matter and determine if his daughter is prepared for marriage, and if this young man will be the authority figure that she needs. If she is strong willed and has yet to be broken, then either she is not ready for marriage, or the young man will need to have a will that is stronger than hers in order to maintain the proper chain of command in the household at all times, never giving rule over to a woman. The young lady's father may or may not decide to alert his wife to the current prayer closet happenings. This is really an individual choice, depending on how submissive your wife is. If there is a chance that your wife will alert your daughter of the plans for her future, your wife should probably learn her place and be kept in the dark on this for a while longer. After all of this praying about this young lady takes place, her father will go to her and ask her if she would like to pursue a relationship tell her that the 3 men have prayed over her and believe it is God's will that she begin a courtship with said young man. The young lady IS allowed to say no, but she will most likely need to endure some lengthy wisdom searches with her father about why they have differing views on her potential mates. 

       When I was growing up my father would always tell people that when a boy liked me, "the lad" would have to go through a process before he got to me. 1. Order a pizza and have it sent to my father. (who knew that girls on tinder would catch on to my father's courtship strategy) 2. The lad could bring my father the pizza, then leave. 3. The lad could bring my father a pizza, have a slice, but eat his on the porch. 4. The lad could bring a pizza and eat it inside with my father. Then, and only then would the lad be allowed to discuss my future. Sadly for my father, my level of affection for the Domino's guy varies by how tubby I feel that day vs. how badly I want cheesy bread. 

      My father was terribly disappointed when instead of a quiet, submissive daughter, he got a strong willed girl who makes her own choices. I did not follow the ATI laws of courtship. I dated a couple of guys and didn't bring it up to my father. When I was 22 I got engaged. I had not told my father I was seeing this guy until there was a ring on my finger. When I brought my then fiance over to my parents' house, my father did not ask him how much he loved me. He did not ask about goals for our careers. He did not ask how well I would be treated. He asked the lad "Are you going to be able to support Heather and your family on just your income when she finally comes around and makes the right choice to quit her job to stay home and home school your children?" and "Heather is pretty set in her ideas. Are you prepared to be the head of the household and be the proper authority that she needs?" I was livid, but my then fiance gave the correct answers that I could do whatever I wanted and it was not his choice if I worked or not, but mine. He told my father that he was not going to be my authority. This severely disappointed my father, but I was a lost cause and he had another daughter he could try to brainwash.

       Josh and Anna had their courtship in front of America. We watched as they shared their first kiss after a courtship of nothing but purity and side-hugs. Now that it has come out that Josh has molested 5 young girls, including his sisters, my facebook and inbox are filled every day asking what I think about the situation and if I am shocked. Many of you have posted articles on my facebook page that have also brought to light the cult that ATI is. While this is a topic that floods the magazine racks right now, for those of us who grew up in this world, it didn't phase us one bit.

        When you live in a world with such strict and legalistic rules, you learn where the loopholes are. Purity is constantly emphasized and held on a pedestal. Purity is always more of a girl's responsibility than a boy's. In the pamphlet I have for the ATI conference in 1998 it lists the dress code for the "apprenticeship students" (ages 15-18). Ladies should wear modestly fitting blouses with sleeves covering the upper arm. Necklines must be no more than 3 finger-widths from the clavicle. No material may be see-through. Skirts should not be form-fitting and should hang below the knee. Shoes must have closed-toes and heels may be no more than 2". Ladies must dress in a way that would bring attention to their countenance and would not defraud our young men. Young men should wear khaki or navy blue slacks and a collared shirt with a tie. What? aren't we going to mention that some guys look really nice in khakis while they are repelling? We needn't worry about defrauding the ladies since women don't have sex drives? No need to mention that after a long day of prayer and fasting the guys shouldn't loosen their tie by doing that little wiggle move back and forth that might make a lady think about some other uses for that tie? But I digress...

        We were always told that once we lost our purity, the light in our eyes would go out and everyone would instantly be able to tell that we had given in to temptation. Girls losing their purity was always a bigger deal than if a boy lost his. If a girl wasn't a virgin, she would need to pray daily that a good Christian man would find enough of God's grace to accept her as the damaged "chewed up and spit out candy bar" that she was and still be willing to marry her. If a boy was not a virgin, this was still not great, but he would just need to confess his transgression to his father and his future wife, as Josh did, and expect them to understand that clearly he had been defrauded by the girl and this was not something for which he should be held accountable. Forgiveness comes pretty easy to dudes in ATI. 

       ATI couples tend to marry very young for several reasons. One is to maximize the woman's fertile years so that she can produce as many children as possible. Another is so that the men will have an appropriate outlet for their sexual needs. Once married, the man owns the wife. "A servant's mind-set is what God is looking for in marriage. This is clearly explained in Ephesians 5:21-33"-Bill Gothard, HSC report, Sept. 1997.  The man will no longer be distracted from God's plan for his life seeing as he has a women upon whom he can release all of his desires, whether she is on board or not. If she is not on board with his bedroom plans, she needs to get right with her Lord. Many of the ATI kids managed to get into relationships in the teens years, mostly behind our parents' backs. As with many teen relationships, the girl feels pressured to put out or else the boy will stray and find a girl who will. In ATI, putting out is not really an option, so loopholes were found. Many ATI girls lost their anal virginity long before their vaginal virginity, because this would still technically keep them pure. Or the girls would practice kissing each other, because we had only vowed not to kiss boys, and the Bible really only warned against dude sodomy. Josh and Anna were able to stand on their marriage altar in front of a nation and say that they were each having their first kiss. This is the same type of loophole. If marriage vows were sealed with some groping or over-the-panties fondling, Josh would not have been looked so pure. 

        As I wrote about in my post about the training center in Oklahoma, many ATI girls were molested and raped by their brothers. When they would talk about the molestation that occurred in their homes, none of them spoke of being angry at their brothers or thinking that their homes were unsafe places. Each and every one of them blamed themselves and would pray for forgiveness for acting or dressing in a way that defrauded their brother and caused him to give in to temptation. They would pray that one day a man would still be able to love a wretch such as them even tough they were no longer pure for him. I would tell them how horrible this was and try to make them see that this was not their fault, but I was always told that I just didn't understand because I only had a sister. Our ATI photo looks very different from most others. We never had to use a wide angle lens or be shot outside because we didn't fit in a studio. 

       
       Not all of my ATI friends were molested by their brothers, but any number other than zero is unacceptable. I was told that most of the girls saw this as a normal part of puberty for their brothers. Some of my ATI friends may have been spared due to the fact that they are a decade older than their brothers and therefore much less vulnerable. I had always wanted a brother when I was growing up. When I heard of these stories I became very grateful that I only had a sister.

        As with spousal abuse, ATI teaches that one must go through the proper channels of authority once a case of abuse is reported. Bill Gothard writes "I teach that a wife should report abuse to her father and father-in-law. If the husband does not listen to these men, they should take the matter to the church. If the husband refuses to listen to the church, the matter should be brought to the proper government authorities. Before this procedure is followed, however, we emphasize that a wife must have "...a conscience void of offence toward God and toward man" (Acts 25:16)"  So, if the wife (or in the Duggar case, sister) has done anything that could have possibly made her deserving of said abuse, such as wearing a defrauding article of clothing, or uncontrollably growing breasts, this needs not to be brought to the attention of the police because she deserved it. 

         Each article I have read confirms that the Duggars did not stray from Bill Gothard's teachings on how to handle abuse. America appears shocked that Jim Bob and Michelle would cover up such acts, especially when they also occurred with a child who was not from their loins, but honestly, this is exactly what the Duggars and every other ATI family has had taught to them over and over for years. It appears that Josh also confessed his acts to Anna and her father before they were married, and Anna commends Josh for being honest and for humbling himself before God by confessing his sin. I in NO way feel that the way the Duggars handled the matter was appropriate, I am merely not slightly surprised. Many have accused Jim Bob and Michelle of neglect due to having more children than average parents could care for adequately, and I feel that is subjective. However, knowingly allowing your daughters and other girls to stay in the same home and sleeping areas as a teen who has reported sexual molestation is pure child abuse.  

       I know that my post tonight mirrors that of dozens, if not hopefully hundreds of women who, like myself, have overcome and escaped the abusive brainwashing of ATI's cult. I am elated that so many women are getting the courage to speak out about what really happens. Bill Gothard had recently been removed as the leader of ATI after he was charged with molesting dozens of young women himself. The thing that still bothers me though is that I have yet to read an article or post written by an ATI-raised man. What have the guys taken away from all of this? I have a few dear male friends who were raised in ATI who still speak to me. Did they know their friends were molesting their sisters? How did they feel about all of the purity guilt piled upon all of us? I have fought all this time to be a voice for the women, and I will never stop, but for once I want to hear from the guys. Did they feel just as victimized, or did they feel empowered because women were inferior? Were the boys molested also and no one dares mention that? I encourage all of the ATI kids, now adults to keep on writing. Keep on telling our stories and continue to expose this terrible brainwashing that is so well hidden behind seemingly perfect smiles. 
     

       

What is a woman's greatest danger?

       I signed on tonight with the intention of writing about the skewed teachings of ATI and just how warped their beliefs are. I went to my parents' house tonight and looked around in the basement for some of the old "wisdom booklets" in order to pull some true examples to show you all just what we were taught. My mother pulled a notebook off the shelf titled "Home Superintendents' Council   Advanced Training Institute International" and had my father's name and address on the cover. I had seen this binder before, but I was never allowed to touch the things on my father's desk. "Home Superintendent" is ATI for "dad". Every month the men of ATI would meet locally with each other to discuss how to rule their homes. They were sent newsletters each month written by Bill Gothard with topics that applied to "real families" and everyday life. I instantly sat down and began flipping through the binder.  As my Gramma would say, the madder I got, the faster I read and the faster I read, the madder I got that anyone could live in this world which I did. My mother had to make me get up off the floor and go to work. I took the binder with me. I had intended on pulling several small examples of statements that would allow me to show you that I exaggerate none of my writings.  As I sit here flipping through page after page of  "Biblical advice" I came across an article "to be read at the beginning of the September 1997 HSC meeting". This article itself provides the perfect example of misogyny and male superiority which was drilled into our heads for years.  I have edited nothing, and all of my comments are in purple. If you require them, I would suggest taking your blood pressure medications at this time.


                                                  What is a woman's greatest danger?

      I have asked this question of hundreds of younger and older women. They responded with many suggestions, but when I named the following, they all instantly nodded and affirmed that this was indeed their greatest danger:
                          UNPREDICTABLE EMOTIONS
       Many women are controlled by their emotions, and their emotions are controlled by a variety of factors that are unanticipated by them and often misunderstood by those around them. Emotions are a part of the soul, which is made up of the mind, will, and emotions.
What Controls The Emotions
Any two of the three elements of the soul will control the third. Thus...
Emotions plus will overcome the mind.
Emotions plus mind overcome the will.
Mind plus will overcomes the emotions.
With this overview, it is easy to understand why God warns that our real warfare is in the mind and in making Biblical commitments with our will. We are to cast down false ideas and imaginations and bring every thought captive to the truth that is in Christ. God promises peace to any believer who will keep his mind fixed upon the Lord Jesus Christ, rather than the passing troubles and tribulations that so quickly create fear and worry, upset hormonal balances, and produce powerful emotions that override clear thinking and previous commitments to live Godly lives.
To anyone who answered "The Limbic system", "The Hypothalamus", or "The Amygdala", I'm sorry. That is incorrect, but you are probably a woman, so that is to be expected.
Basic causes of wrong emotions in women
You will not suffer from these if you were born with a penis.
1. FEARS
       Fears do not come from God. They come from Satan. And vaginas.  Hundreds of times throughout Scripture we are warned not to fear. Fears are disabling. As are spinal cord injuries. They result in wrong decisions and destructive actions. A women tends to have fears in the following areas:

• Fear of Rejection-This is, perhaps, the strongest fear of a woman, because God created woman from man, and to be rejected by a father of husband is to lose her God-given identity. Clearly it is impossible to know who you are unless there is a man in your life. Fear of rejection explodes in a woman when she sees her husband admire or pay undue attention to another woman. Admiring another woman who clearly deserves it by wearing clothes which were intended to defraud a man is to be expected. This is only a problem if your wife fears being rejected, it is never due to the fact that you were being a horny bastard with no self-control.  
• Fear of Inadequacy-Most women feel inadequate for the tasks and responsibilities that they face. Sometimes sewing clothes for that 20th child can get confusing.  They need constant reassurance from a patient, sensitive, kind, and understanding husband. Often they need special training or assistance in difficult tasks. Remember, they haven't had all that there fancy book learnin' like you done there did.  A wise husband will find skilled older women who can invest in his wife. A man cannot be expected to help his wife in learning these tasks, he is very busy not being controlled by those pesky, wrong emotions. A happy, fulfilled wife is a key to a successful family.
• Fear of the Unknown-The homemaking desires of a wife and mother give her the ability to create a "functional world" and serve her family within it. The fact that functional world is in quotation marks should be noted. The real world is too vast for a woman to understand, so she should be allowed to create her own simple reality where she will be much more comfortable. When she is asked to perform a new task or move to a new location, she will tend to have immediate fears. A wise husband will always allow his wife enough time and information to move mentally and emotionally before asking her to move physically.
• Fear of Sickness and Pain-Satan condemns a woman for any past violation of God's holy law. Any moral failure in the past will create fears of future judgment in her own physical health, or in the health of her babies. I can't tell you how terrible it is to have people tell you that the reason your child did not survive pregnancy was because you had committed a sinful act for which God had not forgiven you. The first step when a miscarriage or SIDS occurs is to find the sin in the woman's life, and only after thorough soul searching is medical help sought as a cause.  She needs to be reassured from Psalm 51 and 103 that God forgives those whose sins are cleansed by the blood of Christ and that "He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities" (Psalm 103:10)
• Fear of Loneliness-With the expectation of children leaving the home and with an increasing number of Christian fathers violating their marriage vows, leaving their wives, and forsaking their children, a wife today can be terribly vulnerable to the fear of loneliness. Loneliness begins when the spirit of a husband grows distant from his wife. Finally! Something is the fault of the husband! This often happens when there is an offensive discussion that caused the husband to become angry, resentful, or bitter. Tricked you! It's still the woman's fault!  Such incidents must be corrected in the day they occur by truly repenting of the basic offense, making confession, asking forgiveness, and praying together. This step is only necessary if the old lady you hired has not taught your wife to pray on her own. These things can be difficult.

2. BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS
        Marriage is a covenant because it is established on a relationship. A contract is established on goods and services. A woman's world revolves around relationships, and when any one of the following relationships is broken, she will experience unexpected emotional upheavals in other areas of her life.

• A Distant Relationship With God-A wife's fellowship with God is in direct relationship to the harmony she has with her father and her husband. The key to restoring relationships is in cleansing her by the Word of God, which is achieved through the husband's memorizing and meditating on Scripture. Memorizing is a lot of work. One cannot expect his wife to be able to take on this task herself. So as not to make her feel inadequate in yet another area of her life, it is best just to take on this role yourself and not even let your wife try.  Just as Jesus sanctified himself by the Word for our sakes, so a husband must sanctify himself by the Word and prayer for the sake of his wife and children.
• A Damaged Relationship With the Father-Many fathers have damaged their daughters as they were growing up. Agreed. These offenses must be dealt with Biblically and cleared up so that the daughter can love and forgive her father even if he is not the man he should be. Seeing as all fathers are men, the daughter is clearly the one responsible here. Physical, emotional, mental, or any other type of abuse are not a factor. A father who rejects his daughter for being an adulterous harlot is to be idolized and adored just as a father who sees his daughter as his little princess would be...or some other completely random example of how a father could offend his daughter. 
• A Strained Relationship With the Mother-If a father is not getting along with his wife, he may show extra attention to a daughter, Yes, this may even be in the form of sexual attention if the daughter has a defrauding nature. which may then cause the mother to react to her. The problem is intensified when the daughter asks the father for privileges that the mother does not think are wise or appropriate.
• An Overdependence on Friends-When God-given relationships are damaged, and therefore are not producing the love, support, and counsel that are necessary, friends are often used to fill these deficiencies. Such friendships can quickly become too dominant, or hurtful as expectations are unfulfilled. Outsiders may learn too much and may point out that your wife is in a cult, and may attempt to rescue her. 

BASIC STEPS TO CONQUER WRONG EMOTIONS
         A wise and courageous (really? you need courage to face a woman who has created a "functional world"?)  husband will regularly ask his wife to describe her emotions to him. He will listen with interest and patience, without feeling he must understand each one or defend himself if he is the cause. Hold your ground, men! Resist that urge to admit fault! After discussing unpredictable emotions, he will help his wife in the following ways.
1. ACCEPT THE REALITY OF UNPREDICTABLE EMOTIONS Bitches be crazy
2. DEDICATE THE EMOTIONS TO GOD IN A SPECIFIC PRAYER God doesn't like important prayers to be clogged up with concerns about how a woman feels.
3. RESTORE ANY DAMAGED OR BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS Make her give you make-up sex.
4. LIST HER FEARS AND DISCOVER RHEMAS FOR EACH ONE
        This step is vital, because the rhemas of the Word are the Sword of the Spirit by which a wife can do battle against the enemy. You may need to set aside a few days for step 4. A woman may feel inadequate and may need special training and assistance in using her imaginary sword.  Share verses with her in areas of fears and see which ones stand out to her with special meaning.
5. MAINTAIN ADEQUATE SLEEP AND PROPER NUTRITION No one likes a hangry wife.
6. HELP HER TO SEEK DISCIPLES, NOT JUST FRIENDS Disciple: Woman who is able to be brainwashed as well. Friend: Person who may threaten your power by letting your wife borrow a book. 
7. ANTICIPATE THE CYCLES OF LIFE Know when to expect your wife's lady times. Simply asking your wife may not be enough, seeing as the stove only has a clock, not a calendar. 

             WHAT IS A MAN'S GREATEST DANGER?
        The greatest danger in a man is anger. It destroys his objectivity, damages vital character qualities, and devastates all those around him. Scripture confirms this danger by warning husbands not to be bitter against their wives, or their prayers will be hindered. Note: still the fault of the wife. (See 1 Peter 3:7) For further help, study the Counseling Booklet on anger. ONE PARAGRAPH?!?! ONE. FREAKING. PARAGRAPH. 

      I was raised hearing and believing all of this, but after being out for a few years, even I forget just how ridiculous everything really was. This article absolutely outrages me, but I am not currently on my period so I can't figure out why I am feeling all of these wrong emotions! If only I had a husband or an involved father to memorize some verses for me so I could get some sleep tonight! 

Would you like some butt-sex with your bacon?

       Several years ago, I learned that one of my best friends, Jess was a lesbian. She and I both grew up in the church, and were homeschooled. Our fathers sat on either side of the pastor during services, and our mothers were best friends.  She and I were planning on being roommates at Bible college before I dropped out and Jess quickly followed suit. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it was for Jess to open up about who she is.  I knew that our church was against homosexuality. We had heard countless sermons for years about the ultimate abomination and we were not to associate with those who practiced homosexuality, let alone partake for ourselves. 
        
          When Jess "came out", I felt torn. I loved her. She was my best friend, but I didn't believe in what she was doing and I would surely not be able to be her friend anymore.  The cult kind of trained me to be an asshole. Jess was made to attend the addictions program the church held as an attempt to rid her of her addiction to women and unnatural lusts of the flesh. Jess went through a few years of life being very rough for her. She and I didn't speak for quite a while during the time that "she was astray".  On the night that she came back to church for the first time the pastor preached on what an abomination homosexuality was. Everyone knew that this was Jess' first service back at church and it was obvious that she was singled out. I was heart broken for her. I don't know how she managed to sit silently through the entire thing. 

          After a while Jess and I started talking again, and she accepted that I was uncomfortable with her new lifestyle because she was raised the same way that I was. People in the church sent her letters every week suggesting different verses to read that would show her how wrong she was. They told her that she wasn't truly "saved" (Baptist for going to Heaven) because there was no way that she could be living an abomination yet know the love of God.  Jess is amazing and has given me endless amounts of stories of what has been done to her and how she was outcast and ostracized, but I feel that further detail is for her to tell. It is her story.  

          A few years later Jess told me that she was getting married.  She was marrying Jen. I was completely unsure how to feel about all of this! I knew that her family and the church would never support the marriage, but what was I going to do? For a long time I struggled with how to feel about all of this. I didn't believe in gay marriage...did I? Jess and Jen had a block party to celebrate their nuptials and I did attend. When I got married I asked Jess to be a bridesmaid, but she declined because she didn't want to stand there and support my marriage when I wasn't totally sure how I felt about hers. That's why I love her. She is honest and genuine. Jess and Jen both attended my wedding and watching my father's face when they got up to dance with all the couples was priceless!  

        I decided that I would take a look at everything and decide for myself how I felt about not only having homosexual friends, but supporting them and being a friend. As if playing a constant word association game, each time I thought of homosexuality, I would think "abomination".  So I started there. I looked through verse after verse about what the Bible called abominations. I found that there were dozens of other things that were listed as "abominations" but why did we only ever focus on one? If  I was to take everything as literally as the church had been telling me, It appears as if I am guilty of abominations even as I type this! Deut. 22:5  "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God." Oh dear. I am currently wearing my paramedic uniform which is not made for women. It is my size (kind of) but all of my EMS clothes are made for men. Is this something that is going to cause me to lose my spot in Heaven? Prov. 6:16-19 "These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren." Those are all things that we know are "bad", but I have never heard a sermon where the pastor compared lying or being stuck up to being homosexual.  The Bible uses the very same word to describe how God feels about these things, but if I brought that up I was told that "it's different". Why is it different? In Isaiah 66:17 it says  "They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD." I don't know about you, but I do not consider eating bacon the same as lying. Unless I am asked if there is anymore bacon left. I feel as if I went to Denny's tomorrow and told all of the patrons who ordered bacon that they were surely going to Hell that I would not only be laughed at, but probably arrested. 

         If you ask my father, he will tell you that bacon no longer counts as an abomination, because that is part of the Old Testament law. So are the Ten Commandments, but bacon is delicious. Why do we get to pick and choose which laws and customs we still follow and which ones we dismiss? Hey, if a woman giving birth on another woman's knee was still a law, I would have two kids already!

      My father, and the elders of his church all state that homosexuality is also called out as sin in the New Testament, and therefore stick to it being an abomination. Their go-to passage is Romans 1:26-32 "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,  Without understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."
 
       Breathe. I know that was a lot of Scripture quoting. Usually when making their point they will stop after verse 28, where it says "to do those things which are not convenient" and leave off the long list of sins that are worthy of death. So...If I am correct, and homosexuality is a sin worthy of death, then shouldn't the disobedient kids be stoned to death instead of put in time-out? I mean, after all, it's New Testament law, Right?  I feel like this passage isn't even about homosexuality. There is a very long list of rude actions, but every single sin listed there is something that is a sin against someone. Unless it is not consensual, homosexuality is not a sin that is committed against anyone. 

       Now, let's take this passage literally for a moment. Warning, I am going to be a bit graphic so stop reading if the title didn't already give you enough warning.
 "Women did change the natural use into that which is against nature"...Nature wants the human race to continue. ATI teaches that this should be taken literally and that this has nothing to do with homosexuality, but that sex should only be performed "naturally". Meaning if you can't get her pregnant through that hole, you shouldn't be putting it in there.
"Men with men working that which is unseemly...to do those things which are not convenient." I know how bodies work and I have many friends who are not shy about their love lives. Vaginas naturally make lubricant that is used to ease a penis on it's journey to fertilization town. I hear that the way men do things may require a bit of outsourced lube (yes, heterosexual couples buy lube too, but stay with me here). Women, I think have it slightly more difficult because there are fewer body parts that can mimic that of a man's, so "accessories" can be purchased.  Because this is not the natural way that humans are created, for some, it could certainly become not convenient.   Other than that, I haven't really found anything that says that Jess is a terrible person destined for Hell. 

        Since Jess and Jen got married, I have attended several gay and lesbian weddings, and never before have I witnessed such genuine love. These people are so precious to me and I couldn't imagine them being any other way. They are real. They are loving. They understand what it's like not to fit in. They understand that love doesn't always fit in a neat little box-wink. Sometimes I hear people say "They can do what they want behind closed doors, but I don't want to think about it." Alright, does that mean you spend a fair share of your time running possible play-by-plays of your heterosexual friends' bedroom romps? Weirdo. 

         One of my mother's best friends, John, is gay. He is one of the most caring and protective men I have ever met and some people mistake him for my step-father.  A few months ago I was at my boyfriend's apartment cleaning and cooking to surprise him when he got home from a trip. While I was there I realized I had a kidney stone. The pain was awful and I wanted to go home where I had some vicodin left over from my last trigger point injection. I was in so much pain that I couldn't sit. I needed to stay upright or flat. I couldn't drive. I asked my mother to come drive me home, but my car would be left there. My father was home but refused to come drive my car home because I deserved to have kidney stones. This was my punishment for dating someone after I was divorced. John gave up his afternoon and drove me home in my car while my mother followed. This was far above anything that he needed to do for me, but he did it. He made sure I was comfortable and had all I needed before they left. That's what love is. Being a decent human being and not judging someone for what sin you think they are committing. Just freaking love them. 

        Some argue that homosexuality is wrong because it goes against the natural way to have a family. People who are related by blood yet have no use for each other hardly seem like a family to me. Sure, my friends may have to take a few different steps in order to have a family, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. If a heterosexual couple adopt, aren't they a real family? I might not be able to carry my own child. If my sister grows a baby for me, does that make the child any less mine? I used to have an EMT partner who was a lesbian, and we instantly bonded over the fact that our uteruses were terrible and were both unsure if we could carry a baby. Sexual orientation didn't play a factor. We were just women bonding over the same issues and sharing a mutual struggle.  Jess now has an amazing wife whom I also love, and Jen brought two boys into the mix. Now Jess teases me because she has kids and I don't, and she got them post-potty training. 

        To all of my gay, lesbian, and bi friends, I am so sorry for letting the cult brain wash me into being a jerk for so long. I am so happy that you are who you are and I love you all so much! I will even let you have some of my bacon. 

When my two worlds collide

      I did not think when I got into the world of paramedicine that I would ever need to dip into the knowledge of the world I had left behind. I thought I would have hours upon hours of reading EKGs, controlling bleeding, and basically being an all around life-saving badass. I studied SO hard in medic school to learn answers other than "because God made it that way". I never thought that my strict studying of the Bible would ever come in handy in my new world. False!
   
      For all of the types of calls we have, we have medics who are better at some than others. I hate eyes but will help you deliver your baby any chance I get. I have to try so hard to be interested in cardiology. I am good at it, but it's not what I spend my leisure time thinking about as some of my coworkers do. I can comfort and treat kids without them being scared. Diabetics, fear not! We have medics with that too! Some of my coworkers are fluent in Spanish and can go about their job without a struggle. My range of treating in Spanish includes understanding that you have had muchas cervezas, and poking at various parts of your body while asking "dolor?" -Dear Mr Schietinger, I am diligently studying my Spanish because I am, as I write each year in my self-evaluation, constantly striving to be better and to provide the best care possible (please imagine an angelic smile on my face). I also use my translator app a whole bunch.
     
      Over the years, I feel that "psych" calls, or calls for an "emotionally distraught person, or EDP"- (which I think sounds more polite because it is not putting a label on someone, it is just acknowledging that they are not having a great day) have become one of my strong points. Yes, yes. I am aware that I set myself up for years of jokes about me being crazy. Go ahead, I'll just avoid facebook for a bit. All kidding aside, I like EDP calls. After going through a lot of terrible things and my own bouts of depression, I know what I needed then, and I know that no one wants to hear that their suicide attempt was selfish, that their problems aren't as bad as someone else's, or that they are wasting our time because "other people are actually dying". Anyone who has ever said that to one of my patients is instantly removed from my scene.

     I have found that a surprising amount of EDP calls have caused my old world to surface and become very helpful. Sometimes the situations are very sad, other times it is hard to keep a straight face, because you just can't make these things up. I have an example of each.
   
      One night a few months ago we responded for a woman who had attempted (and was still attempting) to jump over a bridge. When I arrived she was screaming at the top of her lungs and trying to escape the grasp of a stranger who had seen her trying to jump, pulled her off the ledge, and was trying his hardest to keep her from climbing over again. Sometimes when we respond to suicide attempts they are more on the "cry for help" side of things. This was not. This woman wanted out and she was very angry at this man for stopping her. The police wrote an order for her to be transported to a hospital. In the ambulance, she was inconsolable. I was driving, but I could hear her telling my partner about how her church had driven her to this, and no one could ever find out that she had attempted suicide, because her husband would be removed from his position in the church if they knew that she was doing something worthy of her losing her salvation. The police in this city are great, but they were not really into chatting about her church. She was screaming because no one believed her that a church could drive her to this by controlling her entire life. Someone at the ER told her that "those things happen in other countries, not here." Oh? Really? Step aside, she is mine now. I told her that I overheard her talking about her church and asked if by any chance she was Baptist. She stopped crying and asked how I guessed that. I told her that I had heard her say that her husband was a deacon, and a few other things that when added together didn't fit other denominations.
   
      She told me that her husband didn't make enough money to support their family, so she got a job. Her church did not believe that she should work outside the home, and because she was not trusting God and her husband to provide for them, she was sinning, and her husband was beating her for it. She told me he was also raping her, but the women in the church in whom she confided did not see it that way, since it is the wife's job to satisfy the husband. She said that she can't divorce her husband because he will no longer be able to be a deacon in the church if she causes him to commit adultery by ending a marriage. She had left her home a few days before and started living in her car. She said that her husband found her, and took the plates off her car so she would get pulled over and not be able to drive to and from work. She said that she had tried to go to the police about the abuse before, but her pastor found out and rebuked her for not following the scripture and obeying her husband, If she just obeyed her husband, she would not be beaten. This woman had had it. She felt trapped and that death would be better than continuing in that nightmare. She knew that she could divorce her husband, but was afraid that if she did he would keep her children from her, and she didn't want to live without her kids. I told her where I had come from and that although my past was nowhere near as terrible, I knew what she was talking about. I knew the thought process behind what the church had been telling her, and I didn't think she was crazy, I genuinely knew what she meant. I told her that I knew many people who had gotten away from that life and who went on to live very happy lives. She was so happy that finally someone wasn't telling her that her story was crap. I wish I had been able to spend more time with her. As we were leaving she hugged me (I am normally very against hugging my patients for reasons such as germs, infestations, harassment charges, and personal safety, but sometimes you just have to read the room) and thanked me and cried on my shoulder. She said that not until we talked was she glad that she was pulled off that ledge.

        Another time we were called for a "party out of control". We deal with a wide variety of drugs here, and this night was no exception. I arrived to find a man fighting the police and screaming things none of us could understand. I asked the police what I missed and they told me that he has just been screaming things in what sounds like Muslim (I am aware that Muslim is not a language but sometimes in the heat of the moment it is bad to point these things out when you know what they meant) and he has been eating dirt. I was the only female out of maybe ten of us there, and the man saw me as we were moving him into the ambulance. He was speaking in a very raspy, sinister voice and started yelling at me. "And YOU! You small, vile, wretched woman! I didn't come down to earth 20,000 years ago to be beaten and die on the cross so that you could take a man's place and do a forsaken, vile job like this!" I said "Hey! You sound just like my old pastor!" The man then screamed "I HATE PASTORS!", changed to a sweet, normal voice and said "I'm so sorry. I want you to know that you're beautiful." Okay. So now we know that he thinks he is Jesus and has clearly had some church PTSD. One officer mentioned to the man that he was not in fact Jesus, because Jesus would be able to get out of His handcuffs, but as you can guess, that didn't go over well and we were back to the raspy, sinister voice yelling not to tempt the Lord your God.
     
        There is a comedy track that circles on my Pandora station where the comedian is talking about doing an improv show and he is frustrated at the other actor because "You are not YES, AND-ing right now!". That is what was happening on my call. Sometimes people tell me that they had lunch with George Washington today. Sometimes they tell me that the scar on their arm is from an alien abduction. So what? Who am I to tell them they are liars or to refuse to hold their hand because I am not really their granddaughter? My job is to get them to the hospital safely. I don't torture people, such as leaning into their belief that they are covered in snakes and are terrified, but sometimes you just have to "Yes, And..." a bit.

        I asked the man if he knew what year it was because Jesus didn't come to earth 20,000 years ago. Note that I didn't tell him he was not Jesus, I was only asking the date. He was fine with this because I wasn't arguing with him. He gave me some long explanation and told me not to act like I understand quantum energy. I told him I have never, nor would I ever do such a thing, and we were back to him telling me about how he was crucified for me and I told him I appreciated that sacrifice. Again, I didn't tell him that he didn't get crucified, I just "Yes, And-ed" carefully. I'm not very large. Verbal de-escalation is really all I have going for me.

         My partner, who as many of the men here do, believes in keeping chivalry alive and rode in the back with the patient and the officer while I drove. I could hear the man almost chanting "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" mixed with some speaking in tongues. The officer said "See, I told you he was saying something in Arabic!" I pointed out that no, he was not. All the kids in ATI had a Hebrew-Greek study Bible, and I was no exception. He was asking why his God had forsaken him, and was likening his handcuffing and transport to that of Jesus being beaten before being put on the cross. (Mark 15: 34) At the ER the man saw me again and agreed to talk to me a bit because I understood a little bit of what he was talking about. When asked for his name he said "Elohim", and when the police were behind him he told them "That's ok, I know what you're doing because I am El Roi." This made me laugh because the dude actually knew his stuff, and had a sense of humor. El Roi means "God who sees". He gave several other names such as El Shaddai, and Adoni, which caused someone to state that the man kept changing who he thought he was. I mentioned that his story was actually pretty consistent, he was naming all names of God. During this process he was yelling at us all for being unrighteous, and I told him that was what Jehovah-Tsidkenu was for, and he actually laughed. For my friends of my past, I know you will get that joke instantly. For those from my new world, that means "The Lord our Righteousness". I didn't spend a Summer helping my mother paint giant banners for Vacation Bible School for nothing!

      The man was still very difficult to handle and to keep from hurting himself and us, but my background made things a tad easier. Earlier I compared this instance to the scene in Legally Blonde where Elle solves the murder case by knowing that you can't wash freshly permed hair. Dreamy Eyes thinks that is a poor example and that I don't need to mention it in this post, but he is not my husband so I don't have to obey him this is my blog and I like my comparison.

       The man would randomly start shouting in tongues and at one point screamed "I NEED A TRANSLATOR!" I asked why he needed a translator since he spoke English very well and he said "It's for MYSELF! I would like to know what I've been saying all this time!" In the spirit of "Yes, And-ing" I looked through my translator app with him, but told him there was nothing for tongues. He suggested I try Japanese and no longer liked me. Well, that and he was still mad that I had taken a job from a man and didn't have a handcuff key.

      I suppose that no matter what path any of us have been down to get where we are, we need to take what we can from what we have experienced, and embrace it instead of hiding who we are.

FAQ- Fallacies, Assumptions, & Quelling

When I started writing this blog, I did not think it would get as much attention as it has. I appreciate every single one of you who have read it, and I greatly enjoy hearing your feedback. Some of you have messaged me or approached me with your questions, and as you have noticed, I will withhold nothing. I am thrilled to start a discussion and clarify anything I have made confusing. Some choose alternate routes of responding to my posts, such as harassing my mother, or just blocking me on Facebook. Blocking me is fine, I don't take offense, but I would like to take this time to quell any of the questions and comments I have heard or received.

"Why do you refer to the churches as cults?" - I do not refer to all churches as cults. I choose my words very carefully. The definition of "cult" is: "A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister." Or "A misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing."
ATI without a doubt fits both of these definitions. The leader of ATI, Bill Gothard is (was) held in very high regard and everyone in ATI based their life choices off of what he said and how he interpreted the Bible. I remember when I was a child, standing in line for hours to meet Mr Gothard and all those around me who wanted him to sign their Bibles. I didn't like the idea of a man signing my Bible. If this book was given to is by God, what right did Mr Gothard have to be putting his name in it? It just always bothered me. My ATI friends thought I was silly for having met Mr Gothard several times and never having him sign my Bible. Now that all his scandals have come to light, I am glad I stuck to my childhood instincts.
The church where my parents attend is less of a cult, but still a cult in my eyes. Their teachings are very legalistic and demeaning. Not allowing women to wear pants because the Bible tells them to appear as a woman is a strange religious belief if you ask me. The definition also notes that they will have practices that are considered sinister. "Sinister: giving the impression that something harmful or evil is happening or will happen." Several of the things that have taken place within that church have been harmful, not only to me personally, but to many others. An example is when I was told that I wasn't having seizures but that I was demon possessed could have been fatal if my mother didn't ignore them and get me medical help.  There have been rapes in the church and families berated for going to the police instead of letting God handle it. There have been youth trips where the pastor has transported several firearms across state lines and taught the teens to shoot, without ever advising the parents or getting their permission. I have hours worth of more examples if you would like them, but I stand behind my usage of the word cult.

"What caused you to turn your back on your faith?"- Nowhere have I ever said that I turned my back on my faith. This blog is about my journey out of the cult and into my own life. If anything, writing this blog has gotten me to look at the Bible more than I had before, because I want to see for myself what it has to say. I know many people who have been raised and abused by religion and who have no use for God or faith. That is not me. I have no use for cults or for people who blindly follow what someone has told them with no way to back it up. (See my Halloween post). If you would like to believe something, that's fine, do whatever you want, but know why you are doing it.
I have not attended church in quite a while, but that is not out of bitterness. It is because I have had a difficult time finding a church that is accepting of people and also has an actual Biblical foundation. It's a process. My grandmother stopped attending church when they "asked her to hem their damn curtains" and she has a better grasp on what Christianity is than some of the people I've seen in church every day of their lives.

"Heather is being slutty on the internet again"- This is said to my mom sometimes. Church people define "slutty" as anyone who has any type of contact with the opposite sex outside of marriage, including a full-hug. Yes. I write honest stories about things that have happened to me in my single and dating life. I am not ashamed of my choices. I am not going to Hell because I have not been celibate since my divorce. I know of plenty of "preacher's daughters" who live as I do, I'm just not afraid to talk about it if I can help someone else. Also, slutty is a pretty harsh word. I would appreciate if people would stop saying that to my mom about me. It's a bit rude. Isn't he who is without sin supposed to throw the first stone? I'm bad at catch, but let's play.

"Did you start your blog because you saw Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?"-No, I had my blog before that show came out, but there are remarkable similarities! 

"We have been praying for Heather in our prayer group"- Thank you. I truly appreciate those who are genuine and who would like me to be happy and healthy. However, those who generally say this are saying that they are praying that I would find my way back to God and turn from my evil, bitter, church destroying ways. You may stop doing that and find something more productive to do, like support your family. A much more effective way would probably be to speak to me directly, which none of those people have done. Again, my blog has never been about how I turned away from God. It has been how I escaped and overcame abuse and false teachings and got myself a normal life.

"Why don't you put ads in your blog and make some extra money?"- This is something I could do, but does not interest me. I am in no way rich, but I work 4 jobs and I get by. I write this because I truly enjoy it, and I hope that is why you read it. I would not want to bombard you with ads. If you feel that I should be making more money, email me. I will gladly meet up for lunch and accept your donations.

"Not going to read the comments but will interject that I believe in the power of prayer and of the Lord's healing on all things. Whether or not you still believe is up to you. I would also like to add that while I enjoy a fair amount of sarcasm and light hearted humor, I do not appreciate scoffing at people who actually care for you and do indeed pray for you with love and concern. Pleasing the Lord , not 'man' as it were." -This was posted on my Facebook wall in response to a photo I posted. It was of the prayer list at my parents' church saying "Heather Harvey: fainting, diagnosis, grace". My status was "My mother is at church and sent me a picture of the prayer bulletin. My father put me in it, which of course means it is inaccurate. I will translate: Heather Harvey: fainting, diagnosis (we may or may not know that her fainting was caused by catastrophic lady times, but we don't talk about those things. Also, because the seizures were caused by a head injury and not a demon possessing her, we reject this actual information.) Grace (This means she is not currently under a man's authority and  enjoys being bitchy to some of our members)" There had been several comments about the intention of the way it was written and I had thanked those who were genuinely praying for me. The pastor had told my mother he was putting me in the bulletin, but when she attempted to give him the correct information, he ignored her. This is what aggravated me. When I attempted to respond to the comment that was made by the church member, I realized that she had unfriended me. I find it immature to state that you are choosing to be on the side of ignorance and not read all that was written (if she had, she probably would have taken a different stance), but instead she decided to extrapolate her own opinions and assumptions, and remove herself from seeing any type of polite explanation. She is the same person who tells my mother she is sorry that I have strayed.

"If you are happy with your choices, why do you cry so much?"-You try having triple the estrogen that your body should have and tell me how easy it is not to cry about a commercial with a neglected pigeon as the main character! 

"Why are you trying to get people to leave the church?"- I'm not. Well, I would like my sister to leave, but other than that, you are adults. Do whatever you want. This blog is not about telling you how to live, it is about how I was tired of living. I have been blamed for one family leaving the church after talking to me. They did leave, but they had been vacillating on that choice for quite a while. After they contacted me and I told them what had happened to me and my family, they decided it was best for the safety of their children if they did not return.
Last week I met with a woman who had recently joined the church with her family. She had read what I wrote about my mom and had questions for me about why I left. I did not discourage her from attending, but I answered her questions honestly from experiences that I've had. I am not out to destroy anyone's world. I am here to encourage you to take stock of your own and make sure that you really are where you should be.

"When you were in the hospital, were those rails left on your floor perhaps from a previous patient?"- No. They were brought in the room for me, I was told I needed them on my bed to keep me from falling, and they were never put on the bed. Update: that awful nurse no longer works at that hospital. 

"Why must you talk about vaginas so much?"- Because I think they are underrated and they all deserve to be happy and treated nicely. Half the world has them, most find them inconvenient. Why not find any product out there that can make your day with a vagina better?!? If I can help you in that process, I'm going to!

"Why do you think it's ok to put so much of your personal life on the internet?"- Because it is ok. I am careful not to put anything that is untrue. I am careful with my choice of words, and each post takes me several hours. I have had many, many of my old homeschooled friends contact me and say they are so happy I have not been afraid to talk about all of this openly, because they thought they were the only ones who went through these things. I'm not perfect at all. I don't have my life together or have all the answers. But I am happy. I know that I left a life behind and I would never go back. I have helped my friends break out as well, and they have gone through many of the same struggles as I have. I have a very supportive, encouraging family (for the most part), and the ones who don't support me don't need to. I will continue to be me.

If I can clear up anything for you, or you would like to chat, my email is daheaddas88@gmail.com