Don't stop! Beliiiiiiiiievin!

Note: I apparently wrote this after I was given an Ambien in the hospital. I woke up this morning with texts telling me to check my blog. I still think I will leave it though.


They say that. They tell you all the time in your little proverbial tower homeschool world that you should never doubt nor question what they tell you. Know what that gets you? Gets you nowhere. That much I'll tell you right now. Right now, ma'am. Gets you to the point where you have to stay in a hotel room with a nice quilt on the wall  and you wake up thinking you're back at the training center and you've got to get to the bread and jelly before the evil doers come and make you stay off the third floor, you brass polishing whore. WORTHLESS in the eyes of The Lord are thee!  Makes you say things like "my husband bought a science book! Maybe he will let me read it!" So close. So close. Buy your own books because you don't need a man's permission to learn!!!!!
They say you have to do everything just their way or you won't be happy. Well guess what Mr Goatheard, high on your hill, I'M HAPPY! And with every passing hour I'm so glad I left my tower! I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve!
That damn blue fairy is back. I know it's her. I want to go investigate, like those classy reptiles, but the Debbi nurse keeps halting my plans. I'm pretty sure she is a wizard. She gave me a magical dream potion and was angry when she came in before and I was awake. I advised her that my handsome prince will still wake me with a kiss at dawn, but the fairytales never factored in how many times a princess has to wake up to pee every night. I think the Debbi wizard put the blue fairy in the drawer with the shadows, but I shall find her. It has been a markedly more challenging quest from my bed, but I shall prevail! The debbi said I was clearly not a tv person. I said NO debbi. I have a phone with good tv. Not the shit tv pawn stars you people expect me to watch here, sir! I will not be distracted by her wizardly tricks. I have to sleep with my socks on. I hate that. I usually keep them warm on the legs of the man with eyes so dreamy but not this eve. I forgot to pack more socks, but it's ok. This is a nice hospital, they have socks here.
The Debbi Wizard brought me ice for midgets, which is ok to say because I haven't to my knowledge angered a midget. But this palace seems to lack spoons. It's ok. I made a tongue bowl. Because that's what we do. We can either curl up in a ball and die like we thought Cindy did that time, or we can stand up and say we're the strong ones and you can't break us! I ate that midget ice, I did. Overcame that wizardly battle right quick.
Oh! Should you ever have the need, and you have a panda who is chilly, bring them here. They have things for that.
ATI is all "carbonated beverages are bad for you, sir". Yeah? Are they? ARE THEY WORSE FOR YOU THAN LOCKING UP YOUR KIDS WITH CHILDMOLESTERS? (Bee tea dubs, found out there were a few more from the local cult about whom I WAS RIGHT but nobody ever listens to me) but I digress. Ok. But sometimes when you can't eat for days and that is where your happiness flows and your Dreamy eyes brings you a pillow case full of root cellar beer and cheezits, you drink that like it was poured from Heaven. But bring the can nearer to your lips because from Heaven it may splatter a bit and I don't want to deal with how the Debbi feels about things being sticky. That much I'll tell you right now! She isn't a bad wizard. She just has secrets. I didn't die from her potion of dreams, and she was able to keep away any of my usual nightmares. Dreamy eyes even arranged for them to get me a bed that rocks which means BEST DAY EVER! You have to make sure you hold the rails though or it could go poorly. He also remembered to have me pack my thesaurus because they have dictionaries here. Mama Harvey and Bups didn't get to meet the Debbi Wizard, but they also scored some Root cellar beer from at least the ozone layer. That shit was pretty delicious.
Do you know what's terrifying?! The possibility that my daughters may think that princesses are stupid. I mean, I'll explain that not all the stories should have gone as they did. I don't know what Belle's problem was. Man, she is like my mother. "Oh, I don't have to marry that dude in my town so I guess I'll marry the one who freakin screams at me all the time and is kind of nice when he wants something, and that will be ok, because at least I'll be married" FALSE! Married doesn't make a princess happy. Married is a potential bonus but happily ever after is what you have to make for your damn self and if it involves a dreamy eyed prince who kisses your gorgeous dehydrated lips in the morning, bareing banana pancakes and songs you over your texts because he can't be next to you, then that is all a bonus! Just because any peasant on the street can call you Cinderella doesn't mean you are. You think I figured that out from believing those ATI lies? LIES I say! No. I stopped believing all non-vaccinating, anti thought through parenthood, science is fake and clouds are miracles, you are only pretty with long hair, always wear underwear lies,  and it's great. Never in ATI were there any wizards to fix my dreams. Blue fairy secret keepers or not, sometimes you've just gotta trust a bitch. Sometimes your pumpkin turns into a snail who wears shoes and your carpet driver is a Shells pants and not a genie or a dog. I'm good with that. Even is her party/rock and roll scheduling leave zero time for rest. She'll do what's best. Sometimes you try your hardest but people still hate you. It's ok. Miss Swift knows that haters gonna hate, and someday she will find love too. Or she won't, and that's gonna be alright.