I've got to stop joining these damn cults!

I used to wonder how my parents (mostly my mother) could get to the point where they thought "You know what? Let's join a cult! That will be good for the kids!". It didn't phase me so much at first because it was mostly all I knew. I had never been in "the real world", but they had been! They both went to public school and my mom went to a 4 year, well known university. Yet all of a sudden, they were in a world of Bible thumping, non-recycling, sack wearing extremists who never played outside. Or was is really sudden? That's the thing with cults. They are sneaky. Plus, last night my mother told me that during one of the first seminars she attended, they specifically explained to everyone that they are NOT a cult. So, you know, absolutely believe them.

My life has changed so much in this past year. I feel like so many of us have felt like reevaluating our social circles and our lives after the endless battles over current events. I got slightly lucky, it was easy for me to clear out my social circles a bit. I went from working full time and hating anyone who called 911 if they weren't actively dying, to working about 24 hours a month and spending the rest of my time raising my twins. I got to pick up and move to a new State, to a house on a river bank, and kiss future Dr Dreamy Eyes every day before school whilst sipping the coffee that he made for me, out of the mug that matches my mood. I now seldomly have to work with people I don't like, and even if I do, it's only for a few hours. I'm better at my job, because I no longer feel burnt out. I got to move away and mostly start over, but keep the parts of my life that I liked. I love my current situation. But I need to be wary...

I have found that I tend to find a new idea or way of life that I think may be helpful, and then follow the engrained "Whatsoever ye do, do it whole heartedly..." concept, and rapidly become engrossed instead of improved. In ATI, this type of behavior is called "conviction", and is highly encouraged. We tended to have waves of conviction through our house growing up when my father would decide to rid the house of all movies after hearing one sermon about Hollywood. Often he would cut up all of his credit cards at the altar without thinking about the concept of a credit score being based on your longest active card, and then would hurt himself later by needing to apply all over again. Unfortunately, I now see that I have learned that cult-joining extremism.

Reading a book about climate change started out inspiring me to cut down on water usage and hang my laundry instead of using the dryer everyday, which is great. But then it spiraled into walking to the grocery store and back with way too many bags and gallons of milk in the stroller because I didn't feel worthy to use fuel. ATI is big on none of us (humans, but especially women) being worthy of anything, so my life has just been one giant snowball of unworthiness (Think back to the top sheet post).

I have been listening to some podcasts about minimalism, and quickly saw the potential to be drawn into more extreme behavior if I didn't watch out. I discovered that there were many different sources from which I could draw my ideals for a happy life, without slipping into what could easily become cult behavior. I love the concept of minimalism, but I have no desire to live out of a single bag and sit on one chair in an otherwise unfurnished house. I started to worry that if I got rid of everything, that all I would be doing is setting my girls up to overcompensate and become hoarders as adults because I wouldn't let them have things as kids. I want to focus more on not screwing up my kids and less on not having them be screw ups, which is the opposite of ATI's plan.

After I moved and had most of my contact with friends via social media I started to grow more and more stressed each time I looked at my phone. It wasn't just the political issues. It was everything. I joined a few online groups and forums of moms of multiples, and breastfeeding moms, but that was the complete opposite of support for me. "Mom wars" are vicious. I personally will not use a cover when feeding my babies, but if another mom wants to, so be it. This is unacceptable in mom wars.  Can't we just make a deal that I won't feed your kid French fries if you keep your loud mouth shut while mine are trying to nap?! Moms will fight other moms about EVERYTHING! From baby wipe warmers and store bought baby food, to birth plans and baby wearing, whatever it is, be sure that someone is out there waiting to tell you that you are doing it wrong. It didn't take me long to get overwhelmed by this. I left all of the groups (even the tag sale groups were crazy! I got a message from some guy telling me that he just wanted to let me know, it was bad luck to sell my wedding dress. He seemed very confused at my hostile, profane response, and then I noticed that he had sent his message months prior, and probably had no idea why he was being called so many names by a stranger).


I started thinking that it would be fantastic if I could just exist in a world where everyone wanted to raise their kids the same way, and could just agree with my world views. What a happy utopia of vaccinated, breastfed AND Gerber fed kids, who all slept in their own beds, and had a positive body image we could create! I immediately started scrolling through my Facebook friends list to see who had to go. Those who were ruining my happy place.
Then, mid-choice to delete every social media outlet and think that maybe the Amish had something going there, the rhema (see that? ATI word usage right there.) came to me that I was falling into the same trap! I called my mother and told her that I was terrified. I was becoming her. I realized that joining a cult was really just her failed attempt at getting people to stop giving her shit! Bill Gothard, the founder and leader of ATI is a very smooth talker who makes a lot of promises. At first, the idea of raising kids who are a parent's "dream" as teenagers, who don't get into trouble seems like a great goal. Most people want their kids not to be jerks, and not end up making the mistakes they made. So, maybe she didn't see it coming when she signed us up for a future of encouraged abuse?

People ask me all the time how my parents could have joined something like this. My father will need a post all his own, but my mother is tricky to explain. I feel like she is both a victim and offender in this situation. Just as I thought it would be more pleasant to surround myself with people who think like I do, she found a world where most of the women were married to dominating, abusive, power-hungry fools, whom they refused to divorce, and figured she would fit right in! I am not sympathetic to the situation, but I can follow the... logic.

I say that she is both victim and offender because even after seeing that this world may not be the best way to raise a kid, she still stayed. Trapped, yet holding us captive at the same time. Martyrdom is held in high regard in ATI, so the more she is abused and submits, the better she looks. After lots of therapy, I am desperately trying to curtail my own  circuitous behavior of happily remaining a victim. I honestly don't think my parents fully understand how bad ATI was/is. They don't think that the concepts that brainwashed us were detrimental to our well-being. My mother said today that I didn't really know it was bad either until I went out to the training center in Oklahoma and fully experienced it, that the stuff we did until then was fine, and I wasn't messed up before that. I was. I just didn't know it. The home based damage was much more subtle, but got in much deeper. Some things I don't even realize are not normal until I mention them in therapy now!

My mother will admit that it was a cult, but I'm pretty sure that my family still just thinks I'm bitter and backslidden about the world that they are still a part of. That's another thing about cults, you can only save yourself. You can't rescue people who don't want to be rescued.