Submissive Wife, Feminist Husband

How I'm learning to live without the umbrella

   If anyone spends more than 40 seconds in ATI, they will hear about the infamous "Umbrella of Authority".  For those who need a quick review, it is an example of how the chain of command ought to be carried out in a Christian home. Christ being the ultimate authority, then the husband, then the wife, and the children and menial tasks fall under the wife. Here is a picture from one of the ATI websites, for those of you who enjoy visuals.

    This is the image we all had drilled into our brains from day one. As kids we learned "The Umbrella Song", which I can still sing to you. Obviously we never questioned the umbrella. Not until recently when Dreamy Eyes and I were having yet another discussion about me not needing to ask his permission to buy cookies did he point out just how ridiculous the umbrella diagram is. Why do you need three umbrellas? If there are no holes in the Christ umbrella (which there wouldn't be because His is perfect and without sin, obviously) how is rain falling around the husband umbrella? Then more rain is falling around the wife umbrella, which they sometimes explain to mean that the husband has some holes in his umbrella caused by sin or not being right with God, but usually this is still the fault of the wife. Maybe her umbrella poked holes in his? It's never really clear. But I digress...

   The ultimate compliment a man can receive in ATI is that he has a wonderfully submissive wife and family. The men decide who can befriend their wife, what she wears, how she teaches the children, and even what she eats. Saying a woman is a feminist is actually a pretty strong insult to her. It means that she is defying her husband and Lord, and is for sure on a path to damnation. One of my friends told me a few years ago that I was a feminist and I instinctively apologized for offending her. Getting this cult out of my head takes a LONG time! You never know how many areas they have affected until you stumble upon one. Even though I've been living "in" the world for most of my adult life and my mother knows that women can be anything these days, it still takes a while to stick. 

    I have had the same conversation no fewer than seven times with my mother about Dreamy Eyes', and now MY friend, Alicia. It always goes something like this:

Me: "Remember Alicia?"

Mom: "Joe's friend?"

"Yes"

"The lesbian?"

"No. She's straight."

"The one with the red hair? Who went to school with Joe?"

"Yeah. Her. Not a lesbian."

"Didn't she used to live with Joe?"

"Yes."

"But I thought they never dated."

"They didn't."

"And she's straight??" (It sometimes comes as a shock to more than just myself that some women have the ability to resist his charm)

"Yes. She's not a lesbian, just a strong, independent feminist." 

"Wow. I didn't know those existed. Well, I guess all Kleenex are tissues but not all tissues are Kleenex." 

Alicia now has a boyfriend, but the conversation still takes place. 

     I have a poster hanging in the girls' nursery that says things like "Act like a lady, play dress up, dance in the rain, etc" Dreamy Eyes wants it to say "Act like Alicia, play with Alicia, dance like Alicia." and I agree. No one is perfect, she has had just as many struggles as I have, but she knows how to fight for herself and what she needs, and is a wonderful role model for our daughters. She also writes a blog. It lives here. She inspired me to start mine (no, she will not apologize to you for that).

 I want to raise ladies who can think for themselves, with educations, and independent views. I want to raise ladies who know how to take care of a house, but not for the sole purpose of maintaining their husband's orderly domain. I would teach the same thing to boys if I had them. 

    Looking back to where I was just a few years ago makes me cringe. My mother told me recently that she got a social media friend request from a lady in her church, with whom she thought she was already "friends". The lady told my mother that yes, they were friends before online, but that was the page she shared with her husband. She was allowed to post things to their page, but she said that she ran into trouble when a man commented on an article she posted and she wanted to respond, but she couldn't usurp the man's authority or opinion on the matter, and her husband was too busy to respond for her, so her husband allowed her to make her "very own" social media page where she would only contact women and would be free to have discussions without fear of stepping out from under her umbrella of authority. Needless to say he monitors her page as well. To me, this is absolutely insane. To my mother, it's silly but she understands. The only reason she had her own page for so long was because she hid it from my father. To many in the church, this is completely reasonable. This isn't something that is happening in some third world country. This is "normal", acceptable, oppressive behavior right next door! (Hi, Liz!) 

     I am stuck somewhere in the middle of Alicia and my mom's friend. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I am happy where I am. I feel like I currently have a nice balance of at home wife and mommy time but I still work and have my own life. But the cult brain still sneaks up on me and makes me feel like a failure. We moved to a new apartment and no longer have a dishwasher. I said that this was frustrating because when I hand wash dishes they are always greasy. I used to wash dishes at my grandmother's house, but she redid them when she thought I wasn't looking. Instead of telling me what an idiot I am, Dreamy Eyes looked up a youtube channel that has all sorts of simple domestic tasks and explains the best ways to do them, and bought me cute rubber gloves and dish cloths. No one ever told me you needed hot water to wash dishes! You can imagine how long I cried over my inability to keep my husband happy if I couldn't give him a tidy place to live! What other wife tasks am I doing incorrectly?! He told me to stop worrying about it, but I still do, so I'm clearly failing at the whole obedience portion. 

     I looked up on ATI's website how to be a good wife. Some of the instructions include: 

"Practice self-control, especially in the area of diet.

God is concerned about the bondage of overeating and gluttony, and many wives struggle with the issue of self-control, especially after giving birth to children. Weight control requires consistent conformity to God’s principles of living.

Let God and your husband know you care about your weight. Ask your husband to help you identify and remove hindrances to weight control, such as unhealthy foods, poor meal schedules, medical problems, or bitterness. Work together to accomplish specific goals. Your efforts to stay healthy and physically fit will bless your husband.

Stay beautiful for your husband.

In addition to nurturing a meek and quiet spirit inwardly, a wife should strive to maintain her outward beauty as well. A wife should dress to please her husband. She should have a joyful countenance and select clothing that draws attention to it. A wife should always be well groomed."

   Now, I am all for looking nice and I like getting dressed up, and when he wears his "I'm a grown-up starter kit" suit. I like when he tells me I look nice today. But the above way of thinking still haunts me. I told him I will cut my calories a bunch after I wean the girls and his response is always "You know I don't care, right?". Same response when I am frantically remorseful for not shaving my legs for two weeks. He had no idea what I was talking about when I was upset that since we have babies who grab everything I have pretty much stopped wearing earrings or necklaces, and my hair is usually up. Not to mention that between my tears and baby kisses there is no point in trying make up. I was lamenting the fact that I have limited options to use to enhance my countenance. He responded with his usual "What??" and I explained that ATI suggests that you use at least seven ways or accessories to enhance your countenance every day. He said that sounds an awful lot like pieces of flair needed in Office Space. Another way to drive the point home that ATI's standards are ridiculous and just made up for the amusement of some silly man. 

Another portion of how to be a good wife tells us: 

"Enjoy the privilege of physical intimacy.

God grants spouses full access to each other’s bodies for sexual gratification. “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other . . .” (I Corinthians 7:3-5; see also Ephesians 5:24 and Colossians 3:17-19). Resistance or indifference to your husband’s need for physical intimacy is the unspoken crushing of his spirit."

We are however told that it is okay to deny our husbands IF we have a doctor's note. ATI teaches nothing of respect for your wife. Teaching men that they own their wife's body should make every parent about to sign up for this home "school" program turn and run. What guy in his right mind is fine with his wife being miserable as long as he gets off? Are there ATI men rushing home to have ambivalent sex at best? Spouse rape is very prevalent in ATI, but it's not, because they just stopped believing that was a thing.  

      My father still takes the umbrella concept very seriously. All wives should answer to their husbands and the husband should not be usurped. Sometimes this works in my advantage. Once married, a woman's father is no longer her authority but moves to "the chain of counsel". In a few days I am going out of State with my parents. I do not allow my father to drive my girls, but he is never the passenger in a vehicle. However, since the girls' and my "authority" said that I need to drive, my father is not allowed to usurp that. So, he got Gotharded. It's like getting lawyered, but without any grasp on reality. 

    It scares me that I am still trying to work all of this out of my brain. The other day my father told me "You're 28. You got married and moved away. Just get over it."
That's not how cults work, and not how being brainwashed works. I worry what I'm subconsciously teaching my girls that is left over from years of ATI madness. I am SO grateful that Dreamy Eyes is such a strong advocate for feminism and I am excited to watch him raise daughters. He has a great balance down of wanting women to be empowered, yet still wanting me to walk on the inside of the sidewalk because it's safer.

I may be out from under the umbrella, but I do enjoy a parasol now and then. 

The consequences of living without fear

The other day when I was at my parents' house I asked my mom to grab some Wisdom Booklets (the ATI curriculum) for me to read while I spend all of my time breastfeeding and pumping. She asked which ones I wanted and I told her that it didn't matter, I would find something terrible in any of them. I have been told several times that now that I have kids I will stop being so critical of how I was raised. False! I am just as, if not more critical now. I need to protect my girls, not shelter them.

It took all of a few seconds of flipping through randomly chosen Wisdom Booklet 25 before I found this example of several "consequences" of not fearing the Lord:

Does this photo outrage you? Yes? Good! Let's be friends! No? Bye, Felicia!

The example shows us a cracked foundation built on the mind of man and evolution. We all know that ATI condemns any and all free thinking man might have, and that any teachings of evolution are of the devil and purely false with absolutely "no proof" that anything happens for any reason other than "Because God made it that way". Let's all sigh a heavy sigh and slowly roll our eyes together while we move past that and focus on the seven pillars of "consequences" happening in our nation due to this worldly foundation of not fearing God.

Abortion-
 Pillar one is a rough one. This is still a hot topic during elections and most people take a strong stance on one side or the other. ATI blames abortions on the fact that evolution is taught in schools and that people dare look at cells as just cells. If you believe in life at conception, do you know what you should do? Not have an abortion. If you believe that life begins at a later point and that it would be unwise or unfair to bring a child into the world when you are a child yourself, or that child would be severely ill with a poor chance of making it, or any other reason, that is YOUR choice. Moving on.

Women's Rights-
Hold. My. Damn. Earrings.
I've learned from working EMS that the one not wearing her earrings is the one who started the fight. This pillar makes me never want to wear earrings around Bill Gothard.
As a kid in ATI this was no big deal, but now seeing it infuriates me. Women in ATI just accept this. Many families weren't allowed to watch Mary Poppins because of the mother's constant efforts towards womens' suffrage. The song "Sister Suffragette" has lyrics such as "Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid" and "No more the meek and mild subservient we! We're fighting for our rights militantly! Never you fear!" That line itself goes against this entire pillar illustration, and it is my favorite line. According to ATI, women are never to have rule over men because their rulings are based on emotion and not on sound, unwaivering judgement. Women are to be under their husband's constant authority and are only allowed rule over their children because children are feeble minded. I remember my father instructing my mother about which candidates to elect and him being reprimanded at the polls for trying to watch my mother vote. She was allowed to vote at least, but never FOR a woman.
But voting only scratches the surface of woman's rights. What about fair wages, maternity leave (which still needs a lot of work in America), birth control (which they see as sin), and equal educations (which they also think are
unnecessary)?!
The fact that women's rights are even being presented as a consequence baffles me. Dreamy eyes mentions often that living with me is like living with his own personal Kimmy Schmidt. So much of that show is meant as a joke, and it's hilarious, but so very true for how I grew up. The scene where Gretchen says "It's like the Reverend says, we're just GARBAGE." and Kimmy responds "We aren't GARBAGE, we're human beings!" is a perfect example of how it feels to talk to woman who are still in the cult. ATI absolutely doesn't encourage women to pursue higher education, and if they do, they have fewer options than men do. I have a friend to whom I want to send a bunch of cards because I think it's amazing to write "Dr and Mr..." on her envelope. ATI would never accept their application. Women are truly seen as inferior to men. One wisdom booklet notes that it is important to remember that Eve was made FROM Adam, and not from the dust, as he was. Had she been made from the dust this would mean woman was equal to man, and with a separate identity. You might as well just keep the earrings.

Situation Ethics-
There was a very large ban on Robin Hood viewing. Many of my friends didn't know who that was. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in ATI is black and white. There are no gray areas when it comes to morals, ethics, or sin. This is where they would argue that a young girl who was raped by her father and has a pregnancy that is killing her shouldn't be allowed an abortion. More on this in the last pillar. ATI is very set on A+B=C, there are no variables. There are no choose your own adventure books.

Divorce & Remarriage-
Sure, most divorces suck. It's a miserable process, made worse if there are kids and assets, or if only one party wants it to happen. ATI does allow for some divorced parents to remain in ATI, but only if the divorce happened within Biblical limits, such as infidelity, but they would prefer just forgiveness. ATI does not however condone remarriage unless the previous spouse has died. One assignment for explaining divorce and remarriage is to glue together two pieces of cardboard, letting the glue dry, and then tearing the pieces apart. This is to show the damage caused by breaking apart from someone with whom you should have been joined for life. You can later be glued to a new piece of cardboard, but part of you will always remain with the previous piece and your new spouse will never have all of you. This is such crap! The only thing that lingered from my divorce was the irritating process of changing my last name again. I'm not a piece of garbage cardboard. I am currently 100% Mrs Dreamy Eyes, although he probably wouldn't have minded if some parts of me lingered on the old cardboard; I am a lot for one person to handle. I told him that if he ever wants to leave, he can, but I'm never changing my last name again. I have so many friends who are blissfully happy and WAY better off in their second marriages and I doubt any of them would count this as a consequence.

Children's Rights-
Of course this is a consequence. While I believe that children need structure and discipline, that doesn't mean that they don't have rights. We were taught that the shelter, food, and education provided to us was a privilege, not a right. While having a big room, chocolate ice cream, and a master's degree covered is a privilege, basic human needs of survival are not. ATI does not believe in equal education for all children. Girls don't need to learn to repel and boys don't need to sew. ATI does not believe in complying with State standards for education if it can be avoided. For this reason, hundreds of us were not able to attend college until mid to late 20's because we had to catch up.
Being a breastfeeding mom has made me take a strong interest in this topic of children's rights. In the ATI conference guide it states that nursing mothers may breastfeed their children under age 3 only in the nursing mothers room, and even in there, they must use a nursing cover or be dismissed (My mother notes that these guidelines were not followed, but that is what is written). Different States have different laws, but in many it is illegal to ban a breastfeeding mother to a separate room, or even to ask her to cover her baby, because the baby has the right to eat freely. There is a part of me that really wants to go to a conference just so that I can breastfeed there and have them be able to do nothing about it.

Sexual Revolution-
Anything to do with sex is clearly a consequence in ATI. The ONLY thing that is taught is abstinence until marriage and there are dozens of examples of what you are if you aren't only a genital virgin, but also a lip (kissing) virgin. You are anything from a chewed candy bar to a white silk sheet torn and tossed in the mud. I'm pretty sure that after I write this section that my mother will get a call saying "Heather is being slutty on the internet again", but that is rude. It is also rather sexist. A guy can sleep with triple the number of people and not be called a slut, yet heaven forbid a lady has a good time now and then! I'm not saying everyone needs to go a little crazy, but everyone should get to decide that for themselves. Also, the pot can leave a message, the kettle is busy living her life. I think sexual revolution is great. Of course ATI doesn't, it goes along with giving women more freedom to choose if and when they wanted a family. It allows people to love who they want to love, man, woman, doesn't matter. When I was a teenager I was sure that I would only ever sleep with, and kiss one man. I was sure that this would also be true for my husband. I waited until I was 18 and the first guy I kissed promised he would marry me. He didn't. But that's ok! After I got divorced I had a small handful of fun. Aside from the Monster, I have no regrets. I love the movie " Down with Love". I love the concept of being able to separate love and sex, and "having sex the way a man does". Learning to do that feels amazing! It doesn't feel lonely, it feels empowering. Everybody in ATI tells you to " guard your heart". I did. I learned that I value trust over love. It's easier to continue loving someone after they hurt you but you may not trust them. When you find a friend you trust but don't "love" you can figure out all of the things you like without all that lovey, mushiness clouding your mind. I don't plan on hiding or sugar coating things from my girls. If they want to wait until they are married, that's up to them, and I will happily support them, but I wouldn't demand that from them. I want them to learn to be careful and be respected. I don't want them to confuse great sex for intimacy and then be devastated to find out otherwise. Yes, of course the two can go together, and when they do that's the best, but you can absolutely have one independently of the other. I want them to be able to come to us with questions and know that they don't need to be afraid of being judged. Watch this video by John Oliver for what I think is the best sex-ed video out there. Everyone should know that while it's not the end of the world if you "cave" and don't wait until marriage, that it's also ok to say no! Even if you are married! Even if you decided halfway you want to stop, "No" needs to be said and respected! ATI teaches that once married, the wife belongs to the husband and he is free to do anything he pleases, whenever he pleases, and if she says no, she is disobeying God by not submitting to her husband.
It's no surprise at all that ATI is against sexual revolution. With birth control came the chance for more women in the workplace, higher education, and a way to be seen as equal to men by entering a world where they were in charge of their own lives.
We still have a long way to go. Many things are still based on gender. Occupations are still seen as gender based: firemen, mailmen, etc. But it works in reverse as well where people specify if a man is doing a "woman's job": male nurse, male nanny, Mr Mom, etc.
It drives me absolutely mad when I'm at work and people ask where the girls are. I say "Home", and the response is usually "Oh! Dad is babysitting tonight, huh?!" NO! Dad is not babysitting! Dad is home with his daughters, being a parent, just like I do when I'm home with them! Even "normal" people need to adjust their thinking a bit.

Euthanasia/Suicide-

Again, a touchy subject. I agree with the idea of euthanasia/Dr assisted suicide in cases of incurable diseases. I don't believe that doctors should be able to decide to let someone die against their wishes, but for those who have no quality, nor hope of quality of life, let them in sound mind make the choice for themselves to be free from their suffering. You don't have to agree, but I don't see euthanasia in this sense as a consequence. Also, euthanasia and suicide are not the same thing. This ties into situation ethics as well. Suicide in a teenager who is going through a breakup is different than a pain free, assisted death, with family around you, after years of fighting a losing battle.
ATI presents suicide as a problem in the world, which it is, but I don't think the leaders and parents actually know how many of the students seriously considered, and some attempted suicide. ATI lists this as a consequence of not fearing God, but isn't that what all of these families think they are doing? They are so concerned with making the world want to be like them, when really there are just as many, if not more problems in their own homes. At least the world takes suicidal ideation seriously. ATI just tells you those thoughts are sinful and that you need to repent, which only makes you feel more worthless. But I suppose if you are a woman who fights for the rights of her children to be educated about their bodies and thinks that ending a pregnancy in some situations is okay, I suppose worthless is the only ATI acceptable way to feel.

And We'll Teach You How To Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate...

      If I ask you what the most common teaching and principles of Christian churches are based upon, many of you would probably list "Love one another" or "God is love" as some top answers. These are things I often heard growing up in church, and my mother probably has countless Sunday School craft projects of mine proclaiming these statements still in her basement (Mom, please feel free to toss those, I no longer need an empty toilet paper roll glued to tissue paper to tell me how to love). As I look back, I realize that I heard these statements over and over again, but this is not what I was taught. I learned that I should love the other members of the cult, whether ATI or my parents' church. It didn't matter if these members were guilty of crimes from car theft to child molestation, if they said that they had repented, that was good enough, and they should be welcomed into our homes.
     I can remember at least two men (a low number, but still above zero) who were close friends with my parents who would visit our home often. There was something about these men I didn't like, and while they never hurt me, I did not trust them. I would be told to be polite and give them hugs to greet them and bid them adieu, but I hated to do so. When I was a slightly older child, one of the men went to prison and was convicted of child molestation. This man continually testified how much he loved and wanted to serve God, so, regardless of his sex offender status, he was still a trusted friend of the family. We would write letters to him each week and he would write back. This went on for years, but I stopped writing to him after his trial and medical proof of guilt. Recently he sent my mother a letter actually confessing to the molestation, yet because he "loves God", it's ok.
The other man had become an active part of my parents' cult and he was recently investigated by the FBI for selling child pornography. He is also now in prison, but emotionally supported by my father and the cult because he is a "devout Christian". Those are just the two who were most often in my life and in my house. I can go on and on about all of the other criminals I know who are openly mentally ill and violent, (They need a great deal of help, but the cult does not encourage them to seek such help from a secular source, such as a Dr) but welcomed around 200+ church members and their children. But why shouldn't they be? We are told to love one another, and they claim to believe the same as the cult.

       Bill Gothard, the founder of ATI would send updates to ATI families each month. In his update from April 1997 he writes "Being an exhorter, I tend to overlook the negative and concentrate on the positive. This approach to life gives me continual energy and encouragement. In recent weeks, however, two events have stunned me sufficiently to realize that conditions in our country are far more desperate than I had realized...(The first event is about non-married heterosexual couples living in sin) The second incident also occurred in Chicago. The city council voted to extend medical insurance and other benefits to the live-in partners of sodomite city employees despite the outcry of many community groups. This horrendous decision was announced on the radio the next day along with ridicule for those who opposed it and a closing blasphemous statement: 'God was not available for comment.' The fact is that He has already given comment in both Scripture and history. Whenever a civilization accepts sodomy as a way of life, severe judgements follow." Didn't God also say to love one another?

        In 2005 when hurricane Katrina struck I was 17 and very, very involved in the cult's activities, and wanted nothing more than to be part of the team of young people who would go into ministry services through ATI. That was the only world I knew, and I wanted to be a big part of it. I trusted almost anything that I heard from the preacher or leaders. There were so many chances to donate to the people of New Orleans but I didn't give anything because I had been taught that Katrina was God's way of cleansing out the "horrendous" sin in their city and if I gave to them, I was only working against God's will and encouraging them to live in sodomy and practice their ungodly ways. Looking back, I can see how terrible of a person I was to think that over 2,000 people deserved to die and so many others lost all they had. I was brainwashed into being an asshole. Several years later I went to New Orleans with some friends. Many areas were still marked with signs of devastation. The people I met there were wonderful and  friendly. I felt so guilty for ever believing that these lovely people should be punished as a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.

        You may have noticed from my other posts that the cult strongly believes that women are inferior to men. In another update from Sept. 1997, Bill Gothard introduced CharacterLink, an internet filter to block sinful websites at home and work. He decided ATI needed their own internet filter because "the world's" were still sinful. He writes: "We discovered that present systems try to block out bad sites, but with an estimated two hundred or more pornographic sites being added every day, this approach is ineffective. We further discovered that one of the most widely used protection services has, on its board of advisors, representatives from militant sodomite groups and NOW (National Organization of Women)."
 I looked up NOW and I see why ATI didn't want anything to do with them. From the NOW website: "The National Organization for Women Foundation (“NOW Foundation”) is a 501(c) (3) organization devoted to achieving full equality for women through education and litigation.
The Foundation focuses on a broad range of women’s rights issues, including economic justice, pay equity, racial discrimination, women’s health and body image, women with disabilities, reproductive rights and justice, family law, marriage and family formation rights of same-sex couples, representation of women in the media, and global feminist issues." Yes, it would be terrible to associate with a program who fights for the equal rights for women and would assist in any type of service that would allow a women to make a choice about her own fertility instead of letting God tell her husband that they need to have as many children as possible. Why on earth are we leaving these choices in the hands of emotional women who shouldn't even have jobs in the first place?! Professor Harold Hill would have no issue starting a boys' band at an ATI conference.

      The concept of loving one another is clearly not shown when a leader uses such hateful language towards those who are transgender or homosexual. But raping  children or your sisters gives you no label. Maybe if they got to click around on the internet a bit the incest wouldn't be as prevalent. There is an ATI song we all learned, "The Ten Unchangeables". One unchangeable was if you were a boy or girl. I later learned that you can change that, with the right amount of medical treatment. We were taught that people who are trans are much more blasphemous than homosexuals because those who were trans were rejecting the way that God made them. But they aren't. That IS who they are!  I was actually surprised when I got older and found out that there are a high percentage of homosexuals and transgender who actually go to church and are far better Christians than the ones I knew.

       I have recently become very close with a woman who was born a man. I have never met her in person, but we "met" and talk thanks to mutual family and friends. I "knew" her as a man at first, but we never really talked until she told everyone that she was going to become a woman. Now I talk to her almost every day and I am fascinated by her transition and her journey. 10 years ago I would have probably ignored and just prayed for her, which makes me sad and ashamed that I was ever like that. I was taught that I should hate what she is doing and who she is. I can't tell you how happy I am that I no longer think that way and I have the privilege of being a part of her life. She is such an amazing person. She is hilarious and we are able to compare stories of breaking away from who we were once told we should be. We compare outfits and tales of dating nightmares. I love her, she has become like a sister to me and I am excited to have her as a huge part of my girls' lives. She has been a huge support to me in overcoming the lies and hatred I was taught, and now I can't imagine my life without her.

        If I followed the teaching of the cult, I should forgive and trust my father for the physical and emotional harm he has inflicted on my family and me. He is active in church and reads the Bible every day. I should have no problem trusting someone who has an abusive nature, as long as they proclaim their love for God, and let him see my girls anytime, yet I am to keep the girls far from anyone who would partake in any act of "sodomy" (I am not a fan of that word, but I'm quoting)  among consenting adults that has no bearing on my life whatsoever.. I'm sure the cult will strongly disagree with my choice to limit the girls' time with their grandfather yet encourage their time with a girl who was not always such. Just because someone is different than you are doesn't mean they are wrong. It doesn't mean we should shut them out of our lives and rejoice when disaster befalls them. That is not love, that is a cult of malicious hatred.
       

A New Perspective

    It has been quite a bit since I have been blogging. I have missed it, and I must provide a few updates in order for this post to make sense. Life took some very interesting turns. As it turns out, when I wrote "We can't all have a full quiver" I was 5 weeks pregnant...with twins! This gave Dreamy Eyes and I the shock of our lives. So much for "Hooray NuvaRing". You may also have noticed that I have a new name. As many of you were assuming would happen, I am also now Mrs Dreamy Eyes. There, you should be just about caught up.

     A few days ago Dreamy Eyes showed me a video that he thought was just stupid, but from my perspective it was very, very real. Here is a link for you so you may follow along.
Terrifying, not funny video

       If you watch this from his perspective, you see a father of a newborn girl who is freaked that she will grow up to be hot. We are having identical girls, so he found this more amusing. As an X-ATIer this video provoked dozens of terrifying thoughts. If you watch this as an ATI girl you see all the things that the daughter is doing wrong. She is obviously wearing too short of a skirt, her shirt is much too small, and she is dressed to defraud and tempt men. She is doing nothing to bring attention to her countenance. It is not the fault of the brother or father at all that they find her attractive, and if either of them were to take action on their thoughts, it would be completely her fault for defrauding them. She is disobedient to her father when he says not to hug him. She has no business being a cheerleader and defrauding other men. Who knows why she even owns a bikini when everyone knows that she should be wearing a one piece, covered in a dark t-shirt and gym shorts. She tells her father that a body is nothing to be ashamed of, which means that she has not been reading her Bible. If she was, she would know that Adam and Eve had to cover their nakedness because they were ashamed. Her father and brother should have prayed about their feelings of lust towards her. According to Dreamy Eyes, the girl does nothing wrong. Her father should be helpful to her with her rash by getting some cream or considering her allergies. The idea that the father would be attracted to his daughter is preposterous to him, let alone the entire thing is imagined at her birth.
 
      He realized as soon as I watched it that I was about to start on a roller coaster of issues. Never once have I been worried that Dreamy Eyes would ever harm our girls or be less than the most caring, protective father that ever lived. However, some things are just drilled into my brain. Seeing as this vision of the hot daughter came to the father at her birth, I asked if Dreamy Eyes would be uncomfortable seeing the girls naked. He found this question ridiculous, but this is a very real concern for someone with my past. I asked if he would be comfortable bathing them and sometimes applying diaper cream, because he would actually need to touch them in sensitive areas. Some ATI fathers and brothers don't change daughters and sisters so that they avoid temptation, especially during the post partum recovery period when the wife can't fulfill her duties of pleasing her husband. Again, to be clear, I have no worries about him as a father, these are all just real issues from my cultish past.

     ATI girls must always be aware of how they are dressed, even at home. It baffled me that my worldly friends could lounge in sports bras or tank tops, when I wasn't even allowed to have bare feet. I have mentioned before that I hate being tickled. My father never bathed me, but I would always dread my walk from the bathroom to my room (I'm not sure why I never just brought my clothes with me) because he would always catch me, take away my towel and tickle me and pinch me while I was naked. I'm not sure how old I was when this stopped, but I remember it very well. I made it no secret that I hated it. Also, being wet, freezing, terrified, and tickled would sometimes make me pee, but then I would be spanked for knowing better. Being spanked naked definitely didn't spark any additional daddy issues of paranoia and flashbacks in my adult life...
Dreamy Eyes and I both agree that we want our girls to be comfortable in their bodies, and the very thought of a father doing that to a child outrages him.

      I have mentioned in my post about still being single that I don't like anyone else to be home when I need to be in the bathroom for more than 14 seconds. A few weeks ago I was sitting on the couch and I noticed that Dreamy Eyes walked up to the bathroom door a few times, then turned back. I asked why and then he said he had thought I was in there. I told him "That's silly. I would never try to use the bathroom when you are home!" He got stuck on the word "try" and asked what I meant. I didn't want to talk about it, but I told him how I used to be forbidden to go to the bathroom at night after I was put to bed, and the few times I did use the bathroom when my father was home I would be admonished for taking too long and told that if any man ever knew that a girl could smell like that, that I would never be loved or get married. This is why I've had GI bleeds and hemorrhoids since I was 12, and most times I "tried" were not successful. Add on pregnancy, and you end up on a schedule of about every 2 weeks with "threats" of disimpaction from your OB. About a year ago I started going to therapy. When things like this come up, it gets written on "The list of things to tell Andrea". So I mentioned this to her, even though I thought it was a non-issue since Dreamy Eyes is at work about 80 hours a week. Andrea likes to give me assignments to get over my issues. I do not like these as much. This was the week of Thanksgiving and I was planning on going to my parents' for dinner. My assignment was to attempt to use the bathroom there. Worst assignment yet. I would have rather tackled my fear of bats. I tried, but after about a minute I could hear my family (Mostly my very loud grandmother) asking each other "Where is Heather?" "Is she in the bathroom?" "She is never in there this long" "Maybe we should check on her" "Why is she still in there?" "Heather, what are you doing?". I couldn't handle it. Most of the time I spent trying to stop crying and even then I just pretended I took extra long because I was putting on more stretch mark cream. My father hardly spoke to me that day, but even now, I didn't want to hear about it.
Dreamy Eyes and I had a few more chats about future potty training, and while neither of us find bathroom humor funny, we don't want our girls to end up screwed up like I am and possibly very sick. Fathers can do so much more damage than they realize.

      Back to the terrible video, which gave me a non-zero number of nightmares, I had more concerns to address. What types of clothes would Dreamy Eyes forbid, not because you don't want your daughter to look trashy when she goes out, but so that he wouldn't be attracted to the girls. Again, he found this question ridiculous, but from my perspective it was completely valid. He said that if he found an outfit that his daughter wore to be attractive, that was his issue and not hers. This was not my life, nor the life of so many of my friends. As I have mentioned, I was "lucky" not to have a brother, because this spared me from incestuous rape. This was clearly the direction the video would have taken for any normal ATI family. It's only a matter of time before that brother takes his sister and she is blamed for it. I didn't have a brother, but I have a monster of a father. I think everyone has something that they like, bedroom-wise. Liking something does not mean you cannot control it. My father likes feet. I was never allowed to paint my toenails. No anklets. No toe rings. Absolutely no sandals, flip flops, nor open-toed shoes. No high heels. No boots other than snow boots. Socks were to be worn at all times, but could be removed for bed. I know that a bunch of people are into feet (I regretfully googled it), but I feel like one should be able to separate a fetish from projecting it onto your daughter. How little control must one have that they must make their child constantly wear socks in order not to be tempted or aroused? If I pushed the boundaries, he would become very angry at me instead of dealing with his lack of self control.

     I remember once we were staying at a hotel with family friends and one daughter was just dangling her feet into the water when were were all at the pool. When it was time to head back to the rooms, my father stayed back because apparently he enjoyed the foot dangling too much to get right out of the water. I knew what was happening and I was pissed. Of course this was my friend's fault and not his. Nothing is ever the fault of a man in ATI. It is always the girl who should have been more aware of how she was tempting him. If the brother in that video had raped his sister, it would have been her fault for owning a bikini.

     To "normal" people, the video is probably just funny or stupid. I am sure that a majority of my ATI friends will have a similar perspective as I do. It's a whole different view that we all need to overcome before we end up damaging our own kids. Dreamy Eyes wrote a lot of things on my Andrea list after showing me that video.

   

Don't stop! Beliiiiiiiiievin!

Note: I apparently wrote this after I was given an Ambien in the hospital. I woke up this morning with texts telling me to check my blog. I still think I will leave it though.


They say that. They tell you all the time in your little proverbial tower homeschool world that you should never doubt nor question what they tell you. Know what that gets you? Gets you nowhere. That much I'll tell you right now. Right now, ma'am. Gets you to the point where you have to stay in a hotel room with a nice quilt on the wall  and you wake up thinking you're back at the training center and you've got to get to the bread and jelly before the evil doers come and make you stay off the third floor, you brass polishing whore. WORTHLESS in the eyes of The Lord are thee!  Makes you say things like "my husband bought a science book! Maybe he will let me read it!" So close. So close. Buy your own books because you don't need a man's permission to learn!!!!!
They say you have to do everything just their way or you won't be happy. Well guess what Mr Goatheard, high on your hill, I'M HAPPY! And with every passing hour I'm so glad I left my tower! I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve!
That damn blue fairy is back. I know it's her. I want to go investigate, like those classy reptiles, but the Debbi nurse keeps halting my plans. I'm pretty sure she is a wizard. She gave me a magical dream potion and was angry when she came in before and I was awake. I advised her that my handsome prince will still wake me with a kiss at dawn, but the fairytales never factored in how many times a princess has to wake up to pee every night. I think the Debbi wizard put the blue fairy in the drawer with the shadows, but I shall find her. It has been a markedly more challenging quest from my bed, but I shall prevail! The debbi said I was clearly not a tv person. I said NO debbi. I have a phone with good tv. Not the shit tv pawn stars you people expect me to watch here, sir! I will not be distracted by her wizardly tricks. I have to sleep with my socks on. I hate that. I usually keep them warm on the legs of the man with eyes so dreamy but not this eve. I forgot to pack more socks, but it's ok. This is a nice hospital, they have socks here.
The Debbi Wizard brought me ice for midgets, which is ok to say because I haven't to my knowledge angered a midget. But this palace seems to lack spoons. It's ok. I made a tongue bowl. Because that's what we do. We can either curl up in a ball and die like we thought Cindy did that time, or we can stand up and say we're the strong ones and you can't break us! I ate that midget ice, I did. Overcame that wizardly battle right quick.
Oh! Should you ever have the need, and you have a panda who is chilly, bring them here. They have things for that.
ATI is all "carbonated beverages are bad for you, sir". Yeah? Are they? ARE THEY WORSE FOR YOU THAN LOCKING UP YOUR KIDS WITH CHILDMOLESTERS? (Bee tea dubs, found out there were a few more from the local cult about whom I WAS RIGHT but nobody ever listens to me) but I digress. Ok. But sometimes when you can't eat for days and that is where your happiness flows and your Dreamy eyes brings you a pillow case full of root cellar beer and cheezits, you drink that like it was poured from Heaven. But bring the can nearer to your lips because from Heaven it may splatter a bit and I don't want to deal with how the Debbi feels about things being sticky. That much I'll tell you right now! She isn't a bad wizard. She just has secrets. I didn't die from her potion of dreams, and she was able to keep away any of my usual nightmares. Dreamy eyes even arranged for them to get me a bed that rocks which means BEST DAY EVER! You have to make sure you hold the rails though or it could go poorly. He also remembered to have me pack my thesaurus because they have dictionaries here. Mama Harvey and Bups didn't get to meet the Debbi Wizard, but they also scored some Root cellar beer from at least the ozone layer. That shit was pretty delicious.
Do you know what's terrifying?! The possibility that my daughters may think that princesses are stupid. I mean, I'll explain that not all the stories should have gone as they did. I don't know what Belle's problem was. Man, she is like my mother. "Oh, I don't have to marry that dude in my town so I guess I'll marry the one who freakin screams at me all the time and is kind of nice when he wants something, and that will be ok, because at least I'll be married" FALSE! Married doesn't make a princess happy. Married is a potential bonus but happily ever after is what you have to make for your damn self and if it involves a dreamy eyed prince who kisses your gorgeous dehydrated lips in the morning, bareing banana pancakes and songs you over your texts because he can't be next to you, then that is all a bonus! Just because any peasant on the street can call you Cinderella doesn't mean you are. You think I figured that out from believing those ATI lies? LIES I say! No. I stopped believing all non-vaccinating, anti thought through parenthood, science is fake and clouds are miracles, you are only pretty with long hair, always wear underwear lies,  and it's great. Never in ATI were there any wizards to fix my dreams. Blue fairy secret keepers or not, sometimes you've just gotta trust a bitch. Sometimes your pumpkin turns into a snail who wears shoes and your carpet driver is a Shells pants and not a genie or a dog. I'm good with that. Even is her party/rock and roll scheduling leave zero time for rest. She'll do what's best. Sometimes you try your hardest but people still hate you. It's ok. Miss Swift knows that haters gonna hate, and someday she will find love too. Or she won't, and that's gonna be alright.

The Demon of Depression

     I'm pretty sure that most of us have suffered some form of  depression at one time or another. Some much more severe than others. Some of my friends, and I'm sure yours as well have even tragically lost their battle. In ATI I was raised to believe that depression was a demon sent from the Devil himself. I am not exaggerating. We were all taught that depression was not a real thing and that the only people who suffered from it were those who were not following God's will for their lives and were allowing the Devil to take over their hearts.

      ATI never refers to depression as a disease, nor do they ever encourage their followers to seek professional help for psychiatric problems. PTSD, Post-partum depression (which was HUGE in a cult full of women who popped out babies constantly), suicidal thoughts or attempts, anxiety, all of it was from the pit of Hell and sometimes instead of getting help, we were punished instead. If anyone admitted that they had thought of suicide, they would either be turned over to the church, or sent to a "training center" until they gave their brain back to God. I don't think I have a single ATI friend who will tell me that they didn't struggle with depression, if not at least one serious incident of thoughts of suicide. We all grew up learning that murder was sin (I still kept that belief). Suicide however was a very fine line for us. On one hand, it was a murder which deserved Hell. On the other hand, if we were "saved" and already forgiven of all sin, perhaps  we were still covered and could still make our way into Heaven and no longer be stuck in the Hell on earth of molestations, beatings, shame, brainwashing, legalism, social isolation, and poor education which was ATI.

      For most of my childhood I accepted this as truth, that depression was a sin. I have taught lessons on this topic several times. Our Wisdom Booklets (the curriculum put out by ATI) did not teach that depression could be caused by a hormonal imbalance, but that one major cause came from sleeping too much, instead of recognizing that excessive sleep was a symptom, not a cause. The Wisdom Booklets recommend that one way to cure depression is to wake a subject often, not allowing them to fall into the R.E.M phase of the sleep cycle. While some therapists use this method, it is done in a very controlled environment,  by highly trained professionals, and for very short periods of time. Depriving a person from their natural sleep cycle, especially habitually for long periods of time is a technique often used for brainwashing. My father does this to my mother quite often. I don't think she has actually slept in years. ATI recommends also having the person listen to recordings of either scripture or sermons during times when they are allowed to sleep, in order for the ground that has been turned over to Satan to be reclaimed by God. If you spend any time searching the internet for similar methods, you will find this is also how many cults convert and keep people, and how terrorists are trained. I find it odd that people still ask me why I say that ATI is a cult. This method has been used on some of my friends who have been sent to the ATI "training centers" in attempts to break them of their "rebellious spirit".   Thankfully, for the most part, it has failed.

     This has probably been the most difficult post for me to write. I kept these thoughts a secret for years. I didn't want to be sent away. But lately I've been seeing so many of my friends struggle and after reconnecting with so many ATI friends who have also broken free, I realize that I was one of the majority, not one of the few. I told my mother I was writing this before I published it, so don't worry that any of this will surprise her. She also wanted me to note that I am not blaming her for any of this.

      A few days before I turned seven, my mother went into the hospital to have my sister. (We weren't in ATI yet then and didn't know about all the home birth stuff). I was staying with my Grandmother and my cousin, who was living there while attending college. I adore my sister more than anyone in the world, however, the weeks leading up to her birth were terrible for me (Yes, our mother was in labor for a week and all that, but this is not her blog). We didn't have cell phones then and I didn't get to talk to my mother very much. My grandmother didn't let my other set of grandparents or my "aunts" take me out and do things to distract me because this was her time with me. My cousin read "James and the giant peach" with me and I still hate that book. I knew my mother almost died when she had me, and James' parents dying in the book did not help with that. My mother was in the hospital for about a week and all I knew was that she was very sick. I was convinced that she, and my sister were going to die and that I would be left with my father. I also knew that my father would not be able to homeschool me so I would have to be sent to school. At six years old, that is a terrifying thought if all you had known was being with your mother 24/7, and that school was for bad kids. I knew that one of the teenagers at our church had killed himself by sitting in the car in the garage, and everyone at his funeral talked about him being in Heaven. If I killed myself, I wouldn't have to spend my life alone with my father, and I could go to Heaven, where my mother and sister would probably meet up with me in a few days.

      I made my bed and said goodbye to all of my stuffed animals and imaginary friends. I got the keys to my grandma's car and went out to the garage, got in the car, and sobbed while I waited for what seemed like forever to die. I went to sleep, figuring that I needed to be asleep to die. I knew verses such as "Many among you are weak and sick, and many sleep", and I knew that this meant they died, so it made sense to me. I woke up and that hadn't worked. It was January and I was getting cold, so eventually I just went back inside and just sat by myself in my Lamb Chop tent and read Mother Goose. Nobody came to look for me, and I'm not even sure that anyone noticed that I was crying for the rest of the night. A few days later my sister was born and my mother lived and got to come home. I didn't tell anyone what I had tried to do because I knew I would be in trouble, and probably upset my mom. Thankfully, no one at the boy's funeral had mentioned to me that the car needed to be running.

     I was fine for several years after that. My sister became my entire reason for living, and she is still the most important person in my life. I'm so glad that I didn't know to turn on the car.  I did pretty well until I turned 12 or so. I would get super emotional after the joyous festival which is puberty arrived, and the days before my period became a nightmare for me. I would cry all the time and my mother gave me these nasty vitamins to stabilize my mood, but they didn't help. I remember sitting on the floor in the kitchen looking at the oatmeal in the cabinet and thinking "What's the point? This is good for me, but who cares? We're just going to die anyway, why bother to eat this?" As soon as my period would come, I would feel better. None of my friends (who were actually allowed to talk about periods) understood this. They hated their periods, and I just wanted mine to start so I would be happy again. The ATI friends told me that this was normal and that since having a period was part of God's punishment to all womankind via Eve, PMS was a reminder that Satan wants to take over our lives, so this was just something I would need to learn to accept. At least that's what they said out loud because they had to. I felt no one actually understood though. I wasn't just cranky, weepy, and sore. I felt like I literally had to survive my own self for 3-4 days each month. It was more of a passive thought, where I didn't want to hurt myself, but if I happened to die, it would have been welcomed because I had no desire to live. This went on for years and I kept it to myself because I didn't want to be in trouble for wanting to waste a life or be sent away, or sent to my room to read the book of James (but with no peaches), which is what my father made me do whenever he wasn't sure what to do with me. I read a lot of Psalms though because there is a lot of lamenting taking place in there, David knew what was up.

     I went to many funerals as a kid. I am saddened by death, but I have always been oddly comfortable with it. I was always taught that Heaven was way better than here, so I should be happy for those who got to go there. I have never been afraid to die. I no longer want to, but it does not frighten me. I remember sitting in the bedroom with my grandfather's body the morning he died. I was sad, but not uncomfortable. I feel like this is part of what helps me do my job now.

     As most ATI girls do, I got married in my early 20's. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. All through the engagement, each few days before my period would be worse and worse. I couldn't figure out why I was so miserable, since on paper, everything was great. By this time I was a medic and was very used to dealing with "psychs". I would get so upset when people would dismiss those who complained of suicidal thoughts. I always thought that the only difference between me and the person on the stretcher was that they told someone how they felt. I was afraid that if I said something that I would be "just a psych" too and no one would take me seriously anymore. I still had the deep rooted thoughts that medicine wasn't for depression and all these people were just on placebos, like I had been taught all my life. After I was married for a bit the depression got worse. I don't blame anyone for this, it's just a thing that happened. As I've written, I've had several miscarriages. Although I didn't have a baby, my body didn't know that and I went full-on post-partum. I had been taught my entire life that God made me to have babies, and on top of that, I have wanted to be a mom more than anything pretty much since I can remember. If my babies kept dying, why shouldn't I? I still didn't tell anyone.

     One weekend I was sick with a fever and I was home alone. I still wasn't "actively" wanting to hurt myself, but death would have been welcomed. I took my cold medicine, and then couldn't remember when I needed to take more. I decided to take a bit more, along with several Tylenol PM because I was so sick of having nightmares and I just wanted my brain to shut off for at least a little while. If I didn't wake up, that was fine. I didn't care. I didn't have my babies, what did it matter? In the morning when my ex got home from work, he woke me up. I was very groggy and felt terrible physically. He asked what was wrong with me and I said what I had taken. He told me that was dumb and that he has to deal with patients like that at work all night, he didn't want to deal with it at home. So I spent the next day or so very aware of where my liver is and became even more quiet about how I felt. Until one day...

     I had put together a team for the March of Dimes and spent the day surrounded by babies. After the walk, a bunch of us were at a party where I completely broke down and lost it. Dreamy Eyes and Michelle found me hiding and spent the next several hours listening to me, and finally giving me the response I needed. Dreamy Eyes is a big fan of the blog Hyperbole and a Half and there are two wonderfully accurate chapters on depression. He remembered reading them and didn't tell me I was crazy, didn't tell me I was wrong, just said "That sounds stressful" and made sure that I went to see the doctors that I needed to see for years.

    I told my OB that I thought I had PMDD. He told me that only 3% of women actually have that, most just have severe PMS, and to keep a journal. I've been doing that since I was 7. I brought them to show him and he said he didn't think he would actually meet a patient who had it, but he did. He gave me some anti-depressants to take during those 3-4 days. It took a few tries to get the correct medication, but finally, I felt better. Poor Dreamy Eyes. If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you get is a distressed damsel, and he did. But if not for him and Michelle, who are the only ones who knew the extent of what was happening, I wouldn't be here today. I finally agreed to go to a counselor and a doc who could help me with all of this brainwashing and loss. My counselor is often in disbelief of how many TLC shows I could have at any given time. I was very afraid to tell a professional that I had these thoughts because I wanted them to know it was more of a failure to thrive than anything else. But I didn't get sent away. They told me that they were surprised that I lasted as long as I did without help.

     I wish I had been allowed to see these doctors years ago. When I was a teenager and I was in the hospital, they recommend that I see a counselor, but my father forbade it. That was the case with so many of my friends growing up in ATI. None of us ever told anyone how we felt, but I know of several who tried to hurt themselves at least once and never got the help they needed. I attempted to do some research for suicide rates among homeschoolers, but there is very little data. Public schools have numbers and records of kids who have had either an attempt or a completed suicide, but it is almost impossible to collect that information from a culture that stays hidden from the world. Some ATI parents had it happening right in front of them and they had no idea. Girls would try to starve to death but would say they were fasting for prayer. That was a common attempt. If you had a food allergy, you could make it look like an accident. Car crashes were an easy one, but that was harder for my Amish friends. I found several stories of "suspicious deaths" of homeschooled kids, but most fit the methods I just named. You couldn't make it look like it was on purpose or else they would know you sinned, and if you lived, that would be worse.

     It makes me so upset when I hear about people still in the cult who are made to feel that they are sinning or that they have a demon because they can't be joyful just by going to church more or by getting less sleep or by listening to Scripture constantly. You wouldn't treat cancer that way, and depression shouldn't be treated that way either. No, not everyone needs medicine, but some people do, and I am so happy that for the last year or so, I have been able to feel better than I thought I would ever feel. It's not a euphoric feeling, it's not something mystical. I just feel normal. I've learned how to think differently and get rid of a lot of the guilt and oppression that was driven into my brain for so many years. Even just going to a counselor can feel like a sin. I've learned that my happiness is not reliant on other's actions. I have people I love much more than myself, but I cannot base my reason for living on them. That isn't fair to them, nor to me. People shouldn't have to be afraid to say "Hey, I'm not ok". I learned that if there are people who respond negatively when you say you need help, you don't need those people in your life.

      To all my friends who escaped not only the cult, but who also survived their attempts, whether thoughts or actions, and finally got the help they needed, I am so proud of you and I love you. Just like any disease, it may flare up again, but that doesn't mean it has to win. You are far from alone.

   

      

 

We Can't All Have A Full Quiver

     As I'm sure you have guessed, ATI is really big on people having big families. If you have had a surgery to prevent having more children, ATI wants you to have this reversed before you are accepted. At the conferences each year they have what is called "The Reversal Choir" which is made up of children who were born after their parents had their surgeries reversed. It's a group of  "Lost Pearls" as ATI refers to them (Nowhere near as much fun as the Lost Boys) who never would have existed if God didn't change their parents' mind about letting God decide the size of their family. Psalm 127:3-5 is often referenced, "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of he womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:..." I was going through the Wisdom Booklets (ATI's "school" books) lately and found a great deal of writing on this passage. ATI takes the Bible very literally and notes that the husband is seen as successful and strong if he has a small army at home. However, if there is not a small army at home, this is the fault of the wife. "The fruit of the womb is his (God's) reward." So the lack of a fertile womb is clearly a punishment for a sin committed by the wife. I have found no mention of the woman being seen as stronger for having her quiver full of arrows.

At least Disney gets it. 

     I have one sister. In ATI this was unheard of. I was often asked why my parents were going against ATI's teachings and not having more children. I am not sure if my parents used anything to avoid pregnancy, I just assumed they didn't like each other that much. We lived in a one bedroom apartment until I was 16. "Letting God decide the size of our family" would, in my opinion, have been very irresponsible. It was hard enough to make ends meet with 2 kids. If God decided the size of our family, that size would be "malnourished". My mother is not good at being pregnant. She was very close to death when having me. She was on bed rest for 6 months when she was pregnant with my sister. When I was a teenager my mother got very sick and had to have emergency surgery because my little brother was a really rude, stealthy little embryo who no one knew existed until my mother almost died from bleeding out during a miscarriage. There may only be two of us, but Hope and I are all the arrows our parents could handle. Besides, We like to be able to spread out in our quiver. 

This is when we decided to wear non-ATI approved skirts for Thanksgiving

     Many of the families in ATI have children who are severely disabled. Obviously terminating a pregnancy is a sin punishable by death, according to Mr Gothard. Many families are struggling to provide for the rest of their children because one child needs all the resources available. Now, I give all the credit in the world to parents and siblings who have a child in their family with disabilities. I cannot begin to understand the daily struggles and worries they experience, and many of the kids I have met who have grown up with a disabled sibling turn out to be some of the most responsible, caring people I have ever met. However, a few weeks into the pregnancy if it is discovered that something is not right, I feel that further action should be the choice of the parents, not of the cult. ATI is not going to raise your child, or pay your bills. 

    Several times throughout the Wisdom Booklets I have found examples of  women who are plagued with physical or mental illness because of "guilt" about having ended a pregnancy, or who have been unable to conceive due to past sin in their lives. These "case studies" have all been done by men and have not included factors such as nutrition, sleep, fitness, family history, abuse, or medication. Of course these women were not on medications for their mental illness, because mental problems are caused by the Devil, and couldn't possibly be from a hormonal imbalance. One case was about a woman who was deathly afraid to leave her house and ATI clearly traced this back to the time when, as a teenager, she secretly ended a pregnancy. The Wisdom Book claims that once she confessed her sin to God and got her heart right with Him again that she was miraculously cured of her agoraphobia. 

    The thing that infuriates me the most about this is that they use the word "guilt". Yes, perhaps this woman had feelings of guilt, but that word is used over and over in their writings when guilt is not indicated by the woman. There are many, many feelings associated with pregnancy, or the lack thereof. Infertility is devastating enough without being told that it is your fault. I have had 6 pregnancies, and I have no arrows. I miscarried 5 of those. Without being told that I was sinning, I had what I feel were natural pangs of guilt. Did I skip a prenatal vitamin? Did I lift something too heavy? Should I not have gone to work? Could I have done anything to prevent one of my patients from punching me in the stomach?  No. After a few weeks I settled down and realized that none of this was anything that I could have done or prevented. My doctor said I probably wouldn't have even known about some of them if I hadn't tested so early (some were only 4-5 weeks along) and I would have had a missed miscarriage, which happens way more often than you would think seeing as the bleeding from the early miscarriage is often just mistaken for a slightly late, but heavy period. I always tested early though because each time, I knew instantly. I am not one of those pretty, glowing pregnant women. I've never had to wait until I was late to know that I should test. I start vomiting the instant that swimmer breaks his way past the barrier. I smell everything. I pee constantly. If my gums start bleeding, I call my OB, not my dentist. I become absolutely exhausted. I have even been able to tell which ovary was the releasing one for that pregnancy (confirmed by my doctor). I told you, my body is a wonderland.  

    I handled the miscarriages "okay". I stopped getting excited when I saw that second blue line after I peed on a stick. I never told many people, or even started to look at baby stuff, because it got to the point where I was never surprised when I would start to bleed and feel like my insides were tearing. I went to the ER one of the times, and they didn't even do an exam. I got some fluids and was sent on my way. After that I just started handling them on my own. Drink lots of fluids to combat the blood loss, take some Advil for the tearing, and cry a little. I didn't even call out of work for the last 3.

      Pregnancy number 6 is what got me. I had started to feel some of the usual symptoms, but I had just miscarried a month before, so I figured I just still didn't feel great. I didn't test as early and didn't find out until week 6, when the baby was about the size of a lentil. This became my sister's name for the baby, Lentil. The only reason I even decided to test was to convince my brain that I truly did just have a new found taste for mayonnaise covered Butterfingers and that nothing else could possibly be happening. I was wrong.

Yep, the first thing I did was go get nachos. 

    I went for my ultrasound and Lentil was too small to be seen from the external ultrasound, so they had to do an internal one.  They said that based on my last period, Lentil was much smaller than he should be, but not to worry yet because it was possible that I just ovulated later than they would have expected. They scheduled me for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if it really was just a matter of late ovulation. I went home disappointed but not surprised. I tried not to worry, but that was nearly impossible. Some of my girlfriends have told me that sometimes they would forget that they were pregnant because nothing bothered them. Not me. I was reminded almost constantly. I had every symptom possible. I even hated the smell of water. After a very long two weeks it was time for the follow-up ultrasound. They were still not able to see Lentil on the external ultrasound, so they had to do another internal ultrasound. Before we saw Lentil on the screen I knew the news would be bad because by now he should have been big enough for the external one. There is a song called "The Piano Is Not Firewood Yet" and a line in that songs goes "the heart beats in threes, just like a waltz..." that got stuck in my head as we sat there and heard Lentil's heartbeat for the first time. We were now three heartbeats, but one was much, much slower than it should have been. They told me I would probably miscarry soon.

     Being pregnant is unpleasant as it is. I imagine that it is made slightly better by knowing that at the end of it all you will get a tiny little squishy (my word for babies. I got it from Finding Nemo). One night at work I had brought a man into the ER who was quite high. Before I could give report, I fainted. My patient was kind enough to help get me up and sit me on a stretcher. He then kept yelling "Hey! Medic lady! Are you pregnant? I know that's it! Medic lady! I told them you was gonna fall out but they didn't let me get you a chair! I got you, Medic lady!" He was sweet but I wanted him to stop giving my coworkers the idea of pregnancy. Most people don't announce a pregnancy for a while anyway. I had no desire to share my news only to follow it with the information that I was only waiting for the pregnancy to end any day.

     I went to the doctor a few weeks later and the pregnancy still hadn't been lost. Lentil was still so small that we couldn't see him on the external ultrasound. I was never able to find out officially if Lentil was a girl or boy, so I decided boy. I had also chosen a unisex name in case I was wrong, but I didn't get that far, and I don't like "it", so he's a boy because who is anyone to tell me otherwise?  If by some chance Lentil made it to birth, he would have been severely disabled, mentally and physically, and even making it to birth was a huge "IF". The bigger he got (he was growing, but just very slowly), the more difficult it would be to either deliver a stillborn, or have surgery to end the pregnancy after several more weeks of torture and heading down the path of possible sepsis. If I was an ATI follower, there would be nothing to think about. The plan would be to do all I could to bring a child into the world who had very little hope for a future, even if that meant huge risks to my health. That was not something I could do to my child.

      After many nights of tears, I made the Dr recommended (yes, with second opinion) choice to have the surgery to end the pregnancy. My Dr did not perform these surgeries, which is one of the reasons I went to him in the first place. He referred me to planned parenthood for the D&C. Never in my life would I have imagined I would find myself in that waiting room. I had one final ultrasound, which at 3 months still needed to be internal. I had been so upset until that point, until we saw that ultrasound photo. Lentil was so small and his heartbeat was so slow. It was surprising I had made it to 3 months. That was when I felt this was absolutely the right thing for us to do.  I had to go in for the surgery and prep alone because they don't want women feeling pressured by the fathers to do anything they don't want to do, which is perfectly understandable. So I went in for the surgery and he waited in the waiting room, holding the final picture.

Lentil's birthday is May 14th, and he is named Francis. 

      The surgery was fairly quick, and the staff was amazingly supportive and attentive. Anesthesia would have cost me $1000 out of pocket, so I opted for a localized pain killer. It didn't hurt any more than a spontaneous miscarriage, but there was a great deal more tearing this time. The sudden tearing feeling of Francis being separated from me is not one I will forget. If I could go back in time and change only one thing about my life, it would be to have spent that $1000.  My recovery went fairly well, mostly because I have an amazing support system of people who, no matter what their stance on the issue, told me that they agreed that I made the best choice for the three of us. 

     For anyone who has ever known me for longer than 40 seconds, you know that all I want is my own squishy. However, I want my squishy when the timing is best, and I want only what is best for my squishy. I did not desire to try to hold onto the hope of carrying Francis full term when that would not have been best for him. Another very meaningful line from a song has become "Love is watching someone die". At first this may seem morbid, but it is very, very true for us. Love is doing what is best for that person, even if it isn't the way you wanted things to happen. Guilt was never an emotion that I felt during this process. Sadness, helplessness, anger, but mostly love. Not guilt. 

     Since the surgery, my body has still not returned to normal and neither has my subconscious. When I was pregnant, I couldn't stand eggs, mint, or peanut butter. Now I have had to work very hard not to cry over being able to eat those things again. I am frequently nauseated because my body is a wonderland, and the first thing anyone ever asks is if I am pregnant. I understand that this is the most common response to a vomiting 27 year old woman, but I have become pretty good (depending on the day) at not breaking down in tears over an innocent question. The worst part is that I still have recurring dreams about the surgery. My most common dream is where I am holding a snow globe and tiny Francis is inside of it, but no matter what I do, I can't wake him up, and then suddenly, the snow globe shatters in my hands. That is only one among several, but I have that one most often. I am most comfortable sleeping on my stomach, and I have been known to wake up in a panic that I am crushing my squishy. In all of my dreams, I am still pregnant, but I also still have a broken ankle. My subconscious is not great at updating its files. Seeing a counselor has helped a great deal, as well as friends who understand and never offer me mints or peanut butter cups.  I went to the Dr for my follow up visits, and it seems that the surgery left me with some scarring. It now seems that the chance of getting pregnant is near impossible. If by some chance any little swimmers are actually able to get past the "initial tunnel", the chance of implantation is remarkably small (hence even IVF would be futile). That being said, I am not looking to try to have a squishy in the very near future, so even with the small, small chance of anything happening, hooray nuvaring! When I am ready again, I can always adopt, or I can borrow someone else's oven for my bun. 

A few months after all of this, I got this tattoo. "Even miracles take a little time" is one of my favorite Cinderella quotes, because eventually, in some way, I will have my squishy. In the scroll work you can see Francis' initials. 

(This photo was taken right after I got it done, hence the redness.)

     I adore all of the squishies  I get to borrow and snuggle. I love the twins I watch as if they were my own. I will barter almost anything for babysitting, and if there is a squishy at an event, I am going to find it and give it a whole bunch of love. I am grateful that I have understanding friends who know that I only want one person to tell me "Happy Mothers' Day", because no matter what, I was a mom, but I want to be ignored by everyone else. I have very sweet coworkers who know that I need to sob after doing a call for a 14 week home delivery, or that I get more angry than others who deal with squishy abuse cases while trying so hard not wonder why things are so unfair. I utterly despise anyone who, after learning of 6 lost pregnancies, asks "Did you try to figure out why that happens? Do you think it was stress? Did you ask a doctor? There has to be a reason that keeps happening". Those people end up regretting their words almost instantly.  I adore my friends who know what it's like to scroll through a facebook feed full of your friend's kids while you are still posting pictures of your latest night out, or who know that that bump you have is from too much pizza, and not from an adorable reason to loosen your pants. I love my best friend who will automatically squeeze my hand if we are watching TV and anything pregnancy or squishy related comes on. 

     Of all of the reasons I am thrilled to be free from ATI and the cult, this has been the one with the most impact for me. I am so glad that I don't have to hear that this all happened as a punishment for something I had done. I am not forced to feel guilty for committing no wrong. I love that I don't have to do things the way that ATI would want me to, and if in several years I decide that men are still terrible, I have options for making a squishy without a husband if I need to do so. (Yay, science!)  I may have a quiver of invisible arrows, and I may need to find a different way to acquire future arrows, but that doesn't make your quiver any more blessed than mine.