Homeschool Heather Goes To Prom, Take 2!

Dreamy Eyes appearing angelic was pure serendipity.

Last year I told you all about the very first time I got to go to prom. Some of you read between the lines and figured out that I did not have a great time. I spent so much of my time pining for the perfect prom experience, that I sabotaged myself and found myself sulking over a dream that turned out to be a realistic disappointment. I told myself that I should be happy, I got a typical after-prom-night feeling.  I learned then that 1, I should never knowingly force Dreamy Eyes into a situation where he is reluctant and expect that anyone will have fun. And 2, I should never depend on someone else to be the source of my happiness when I can create it myself.

Fast forward to now.

This year when it came time to buy tickets for Dreamy Eyes' COM (College Of Medicine) Prom I told him not to buy any. He mentioned that I could still go since I am a spouse, and maybe spend the evening with my girl friends. As much as I love the friends I have made here, that wasn't the prom experience I had dreamed of, and I was honest when I said that I did not want to go alone, I did not want to go with a reluctant date, because a reluctant date is much worse than no date, and I was perfectly happy with the choice not to buy tickets.

Then came my 30th birthday. Medical school takes up more than all of a person's time, so I was happily surprised when Dreamy Eyes stopped home during lunch that day. He is so busy with school and work that he wasn't able to come to birthday dinner with our friends that night. But I heard the him come in the door, and I know he enjoys making people happy, so I thought he was surprising me with a giant iced coffee. I am often incorrect, and this was one of those times. He had 2 tickets in his hand for COM prom. I was shocked and then asked who was going. It couldn't be us. I thought this was a way of telling me I would be Sarah's date since her husband (who is not surprisingly close friends with Dreamy Eyes) didn't want to go either. Nope! The tickets were for us and I was given the gift of a promise of a willing date to prom! AHHHHHHH!!!!! Nope. Gotta dial it back. It's too good to be true.

As COM prom approached, Dreamy Eyes asked me to group text with the girls and make dinner plans. I hadn't expected that we would go to dinner first, so this added to my excitement which was becoming increasingly difficult to stifle. Then he asked me to see if one of our sitters was willing to watch the twins overnight so that we could stay over and make a weekend out of it! By the time I had a sitter confirmed, Dreamy Eyes had already booked a hotel. Not only would I get to stay in a hotel and sleep without small humans attempting to wrap themselves around my face, I didn't even have to do the leg work of finding the best rate. 

A couple of weeks before prom I was trying to decide what to wear and how to style my hair. I was in no way going to pay a ton for a haircut and spend 30 hours not sitting back or lying comfortably because my hair couldn't move. I was also in a perpetual mood to color my hair pink. I thought about waiting until after prom, but why? What did it matter if I didn't look traditionally perfect if I was on a mission to create my own happiness? I ended up loving the pink hair exceptionally more than I had expected. Last year I bought a dress and regretted it. This year I either wanted to borrow a dress, or go with one I already owned. After more than enough poking around in my parents' basement, I decided I would wear my wedding dress. Everybody says it's silly that you can only wear it once, and I agree. Thankfully my dress was a bit outside of tradition and was a perfect choice for a grad school prom. 

Note that I don't play by tradition. My wedding dress was purple... and I was also 6 months pregnant with the twins when this was taken.

The day of COM prom finally arrived and I was blissfully more relaxed than I had been last year. Instead of spending the day altering a ball gown and worrying about living up to the night of my dreams, I packed up my dress that didn't even need an iron and played princess dress up dance party with the loves of my life. Last year my girls were cute, but didn't do much. Now they have very strong opinions and personalities and I look forward to playing with them instead of just keeping them alive. I genuinely have fun being their mom now and I think they are turning into loving and hilarious people. 

Before we left we paused for a quick family photo. Note that the twins also have their very own sense of style. 

We grabbed some coffees on the half hour drive to the hotel and listened to podcasts that Dreamy Eyes finds hilarious and I find just ridiculously weird. But he held my hand in the car. We had reservations at the same hotel where we had stayed 2 years ago for a meet & greet for potential COM students. When we checked in last time we were nervous. We had no idea what the future looked like and had twins at home who were 17 days old. We worried about them constantly and transitioned from an evening of nervous handshakes to a night of running the breast pump every 3 hours. This time I felt nothing but relief and excitement. Dreamy Eyes had made the cut, and was almost halfway through school. Our twins have been climbing the charts and are far from those NICU babies we once knew. 

I went up to our room while Dreamy Eyes parked the minivan. I couldn't believe it! He had booked a suite that had the most breathtaking view of the Ocean. When I was pregnant and he asked if I would be alright with moving often and to an unknown place, I told him that if he wanted to give our daughters a dad, I would follow him to the ends of the earth. I find it rather clever to note that we had to move so close to the edge of the earth, but for some reason, I just get a roll of the dreamiest eyes. 

I had only snapped a few dozen photos of the view by the time he got up to the room. 

We spent a relaxed couple of hours getting ready. We had Netflix on reruns, chilled drinks, and no one who needed anything from us. He managed to tie the perfect knot in his tie, and I managed to use only a straightener to straighten and curl my hair (which is much more difficult to master than it sounds). I asked Dreamy Eyes how it looked and he said "Pink with some curls on the ends". Mission accomplished! 

We headed out on foot to meet everyone for dinner. I should have known better than to wear heels on a night calling for a snowstorm when I spend most of my life in sneakers, but sometimes I make poor choices. Dreamy Eyes didn't verbalize any snark about my heels, but just walked arm-in-arm with me during our chilly, but wonderful trek. We had dinner with some of our favorite people. I can't believe that we have all become so close, and in a few months we will all be moving due to assignments in different states. Maybe this IS what it feels like to be at a prom. So thrilled for our futures but wishing to stop time all at once. 

Arriving at COM prom under a sky of twinkling lights, on a balcony overlooking the party below, with no expectations to be swept off my feet was truly magical. 

                     

                                      

            

I spent a great deal of the evening hugging friends and then going back around the social circle to hug them tighter. I talked with people about our dreams becoming an actually reality. I savored the moments with Dreamy Eyes when we would make a joke that made sense to no one else. Instead of feeling like he would be the solution to the imaginary perfect prom I had missed, I truly just enjoyed spending the evening with Dreamy Eyes. I knew there were things that I wanted to do, but that wouldn't be the same if i was dragging my date along the prom "to do" list. But Dreamy Eyes didn't offer a single complaint about posing in the photo booth. It was actually even fun. We couldn't manage a kissing photo because we were laughing too much. 

He thinks his lobster claws are hilarious since I am so allergic that he can only have seafood when I'm away. But he did keep the hat on. 

A big part of what made my evening magical was that I have my own circle of true friends here. I hear that prom isn't all about your date. It's about partying with the girls who have become closer than sisters. The girls who know how to tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear it. They are my workout partners, my hot yoga/ ladies wine and manicure night dates, my Monday night Bachelor viewing party, my neighbors, and my new mommy friends. They are the girls who push you to be the person you want to be, and who they know you can be.  Man, I love them. 

I can't emphasize enough that I am deeply grateful to Dreamy Eyes for putting aside his curmudgeon state of mind and doing everything in his power, and then some, in order to make me happy.  But the flip side of that is that because I have gone through months and months of therapy, and intense amounts of personal development homework, I have learned how to create my own happiness, regardless of the situation. I have learned that my anxiety and depression, my homeschooled, oppressive past, and my learned dependance on a man for my happiness and rescuing can be overcome. I've learned that since I am responsible for my own happiness, that anything else that Dreamy Eyes, or anyone else does to make my life better is truly just a thrilling bonus for me to savor. 

Throughout my perfect evening of bliss with some of my favorite people on earth, I told Dreamy Eyes that I was going to go dance with the girls. My plan was to leave him to finish his drink and find an enjoyable activity such as scrolling his phone or talking to a fellow curmudgeon. Much to my astonishment, he said that he would join me! The last time that Dreamy Eyes even somewhat willingly danced with me was at a wedding when I wanted to dance but I had a broken leg, so he danced with me to hold me up through a song. But tonight, he danced the fast and slow dances. He danced with me energetically enough that I was convinced that he was trying to woo me for the first time in our lives, which is what happens when you throw wooing standards out the window in order to make out with your super handsome best friend. 

At the end of the evening we had planned on going to a piano bar with our friends in an effort to keep the fun going, but our cool friends had left, and this was the first time these twin parents had stayed out past 10pm. So we walked back to our hotel with the new dream of ordering as much pizza as we could eat in one night (don't tell my coach). On the way, we passed a small park with twinkle lights on all of the trees. I cast a wistful glance in that direction and Dreamy Eyes lead me into the park. I asked what he was doing, and he told me that he knew that I would want to stop and take a cute picture, and this was my night, so let's go take the picture. I feel the need to tell my mother in law at this point that none of my story is hyperbole. This is in fact the son she knows and loves. 

As we waited for the massive order of pizza to arrive, I lost myself while staring out of our window. I would always stare out at the view of the city from Dreamy Eyes' old apartment and think about all that worried me, all that I had to accomplish, all that I would have to fight for in order to come even close to a life that I wanted.  Now I found myself staring out over a world I never imagined I would find. I never thought that I would exist in a world where I still had a million dreams to pursue, but where those dreams made me excited instead of overwhelmed. A world where there is violence and chaos and so much work to be done, but where kindness is alive and strong, and refuses to give up. A world where I can go to sleep tonight knowing that my children are safe and loved by an adult who isn't me, but who will care for them as if they were her own. A world where I don't spend really any time wondering if my husband loves me or not and getting myself worked up over whether or not I'm the perfect trophy wife he always wanted. I'm married to a man who inspires me daily. I don't guarantee our future. I know from experience that anything can happen. But I know that today, I had the best husband in the entire universe. I know that my husband is always going to love our daughters no matter what, and that he has vowed to me that we will always act within the best interest for our girls. I know that our marriage doesn't have to look like anybody else's, and it never will. I know that I have a husband who will support my goals and keep me challenging myself. I know that he will look at my stretch marks and my saggy belly and my post breastfeeding boobs and tell me "Strong work, gorgeous!" because he knows that I'm working everyday to be in the healthiest shape I can be. I know that I can cry to him about the rough day at work and that he understands because that's where we met. I know I can go to him for my voice of reason but not expect him to make my decisions for me. I know that if he says that he will take part in a family activity, that he will do so with all that he is, because "Heaths don't do things they don't want to do." I know that if I didn't clean the house or if I fed the girls nothing but take out for dinner that he won't be upset or think that I'm failing as a wife and a mother. I know that he will get my inside jokes that just make everyone else stare awkwardly. I know that our girls will have the greatest example of what to expect in their own relationships from watching their dad respect and play on the same team as their mom. Our family is by far outside of tradition, but I think it's just right for us, and we are all trying our best. 

I lost myself in that view. That view of the world I now knew and had always longed for. I didn't have to imagine some sandy beach where I was all alone with a mixed drink. I had everything I ever needed right there in front of me. I found my way back to the moment when Dreamy Eyes came to join me, handed me the last cold beer, and wrapped his beefy forearms around me. 

The next day we woke up just in time to check out of our glorious suite, after I snapped just a few more pictures of that view that I couldn't look at enough. Maybe one day when he's a doctor and I publish my book, we can have a view like that again. If that doesn't happen, I won't be a bit disappointed with life. I can't wait to find out what our next chapter holds for us. I can't wait to work harder and write more and study later and eat healthier and make one more true friend and play with my girls and be the happiest, most present mom that they deserve.  I can't wait to wake up to every single day with the exact same feeling; the feeling that I get to be ME, no matter what happens around me or where my past was holding me. 

This is a more accurate version of how we look. 

"It's everything you'd ever want. It's everything you'd ever need, and it's here right in front of you..."

Gavin! I said "NO!"

30 years. That's how long it took me to understand that I, and only I, am in control of my body. Sure, I knew that could I move my limbs at will and I could override my autonomic nervous system by breathing at a different rate, but I never really understood that it wasn't up to anyone else to decide what happens to MY body. 

Let me note: there are situations where evil people override your will and commit despicable acts in order to harm you or fulfill their own selfish desires. Those situations will never, say it with me, NEVER be your fault! It is NEVER your fault that someone touched you in an uninvited manor just because you agreed to a date, or even to take off your pants near them. If you said no, or even didn't say yes, that's on THEM. No matter how you spin it, you have never deserved to be harmed. 

The Advanced Training Institute (ATI) produced the curriculum my family used for homeschooling. One of their standard means of counseling was to brainwash us into believing that God let this happen to us for a reason.  Let's take a look...

Steps 1 thru 5 are entirely about blaming the victim, which I now know is only something done by assholes. 

God did not let someone rape you because you played volleyball in shorts instead of culottes (a lesson I didn't learn until adulthood and some very unfortunate culotte donning years). 

I would like to zone in on "Being with evil friends". Um, obviously. ALL SEXUAL ABUSE IS EVIL. But still, NOT your fault. Those "friends" decided to abuse you against your will. 

It's not until we get to step 6 that we even get CLOSE to being on track. And even then, it says "if". IF!!! IF I haven't mentioned this before, THE ABUSED IS NEVER AT FAULT. 

But not to worry! You may have been abused, but look how super spiritual you get to be now! 

And really, let's be honest, as step 8 points out to us;  if you could go back and do it alllll over, isn't it way cooler to have been completely and utterly traumatized for the rest of your life but be the most Spiritual person on the block? Thought so. 

After this brief look into the teachings of my childhood, you may begin to fathom why it took me 30 years to figure out that victim blaming is crap. Not only did I need to stop feeling like a victim, I needed to start being my own heroine. 

On one of the nights when I was working I had the choice of which of those role I would decide to take. I was going about my job and using both hands to hold my patent's dislocated shoulder in place. A nurse who had been having no interaction with me over patient care, nor who in the past has ever been a friend nor an enemy, came up behind me and tickled my waist with both of his hands. I froze. I was instantly transported back to a vivid swirl of nauseating childhood memories and I wanted to puke. He was laughing at the fact that he had surprised me, and I did manage to mention that had I not been holding an arm, I would have instinctively punched him. He laughed and walked away. A few minutes later he came back to explain to me why what he had done was so hilarious. I responded with the choice to be the heroine I had needed so many years ago. I told him that it is NEVER acceptable to tickle me, ever, regardless of the humor he may find in the situation. I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me again, I would be going to his supervisor. I'm pretty certain that the man is not out to harm anyone, but is more on the side of absolutely clueless when it comes to socially acceptable behavior. Still. He then cupped his hand around my shoulder in attempts to de-escalate the situation. Not his best judgement call. I took a blatantly large step away from him and reminded him that he had touched me again only seconds after being told that I did not want to be touched. So he offered me some gum. Some guys are evil, but others are just plain idiots. Idiots need to be educated. 

I did talk to his supervisor. I did so calmly and rationally. As a general rule, unless it's an emergency, I don't respond nor report an offense for about 24 hours. I give myself time to breathe and go about things the best way I know how. I told her that I didn't want to get him in trouble. I don't feel threatened, but I do think that tickling outside of a healthy and consenting relationship is inappropriate and should be noted. 

When I'm at work my mom watches my twin girls. They are 2. My mom teaches a pottery class and brought them with her during one of my shifts. My mom told me that one of the kids was playing with my daughter, Abby, and tickled her leg with a paintbrush. My mom said that Abby told the 10 year old boy "No tickle Abby". I'll note that we do tickle the girls and they are allowed to tickle as long as it, or any behavior is stopped immediately when they are told "no".  My mom told me that the boy continued to tickle Abby with the brush and Abby then forcefully told him "Gavin! I said 'NO!'" 

I hope that she never loses that. I hope that she never stops being her own heroine. What took me 30 years only took my daughter 2.