Raise That Bar, Gorgeous!

    People tell me often that they are so proud of me for escaping the cult of ATI. Indeed, I have come so far from where I used to be, but I am still not completely free. Escaping a cult is much more than crawling out of my proverbial bunker into the sunlight. Part of me is still trapped in the way of thinking that immersed me for so many years. My sister and my mother are still very much in the cult at their church. I am constantly worried that my sister will end up marrying a guy from the cult and she will be subservient as our mother is and she will never reach her true potential. It is easier to worry about my sister than it is to worry about myself. I don't always see it right away, but I still subconsciously expect guys to treat me terribly.

     Over the last year or so I have been seeing just what is out there for options of guys, and the more I date, the more I realize that finding a prince is going to take kissing a lot more frogs!

      I was chatting with my mother today about how terribly stupid guys are and how they don't even realize when they are being rude. She told me that I am not the easiest person in the world to date either and if I don't stop being so critical, I am going to end up alone. I wonder, is that such a bad thing? 

       It was much easier to date when I was fresh out of the cult and naive, and before I met Dreamy Eyes. Dreamy Eyes spoiled all men for me forever by helping me to see that it's okay to say "no" to a guy and to tell them what I don't like. It's okay to expect respect and to leave a date if I don't feel like I am being treated as I want to be treated. I have a Tinder account, which is mostly just for entertainment because I love arguing with guys who are terrible and I will be posting some of those conversations for fun little side articles to show just how awful it is out there. Of the dozens of matches, I felt like a select few were not terrible, and I agreed to dinner. If I had gone on these dates fresh out of the cult, I would probably be married again by now. If all I wanted was a "good Christian man" who wanted to have a bunch of babies I'd be all set. In the cult you are taught not to argue with a man and that men are basically allowed to do whatever they want once you are in a relationship and that they are to be obeyed. 

     One of my first boyfriends had anger issues. I honestly started dating him because he asked me out and I didn't want to be rude. So I told my mother it would probably only last 2 weeks. It lasted 4 years. Once in a while when we would fight he would hold a knife to my stomach or my throat and I would have to remain very still. Sometimes he would press it harder and harder against my skin to test how much I trusted him. Each time this happened, he would apologize profusely the next day and promise that it would never happen again. I never asked for pity because I knew I was the one making the choice to trust him and give him yet another chance. Bill Gothard teaches that once you have slept with someone, you need to get married to make it right in God's eyes. So, I planned on marrying him, hoping that he would eventually not want to kill me. The benefit of having knives held to my neck was that I became very good at dealing with psychiatric patients and "talking them down" in hectic situations. I finally left for good one day and didn't look back. 

     I thought I was independent and strong when I got married. My ex-husband never hurt me, and I am not even sure that he knew this, but I don't like to mess around when I first wake up. I have very vivid dreams and sometimes I am not actually all the way awake when I start my day and I need a few minutes to adjust to reality. I often feel very vulnerable and embarrassed by being touched at all when I first wake up, depending on the dream I have just had, but I never said anything because a woman should never deny her husband something he wanted. I'm sure if I said I wanted some time he wouldn't have cared, but it never even crossed my mind to bring up the fact that I felt awkward. This was just what being married should be. It takes a lot of bleach to undo brain washing. 

     Since then I  have been learning more and more about what boundaries I have and lines that I will not allow to be crossed. Some guys find my boundaries odd and too picky, which at first made me think I should just get over it. No! I should only date a guy who is respectful of my comfort level. I was never allowed to be barefoot when I was young. I couldn't wear open toed shoes or paint my toenails. I wore socks to bed. My friends were also required to wear socks when visiting my house. It wasn't until I was older and came upon an unfortunate google search history on the family computer that I realized why my father didn't allow bare feet. It infuriates me that I was punished because as a girl, it is my fault that I caused a man to be tempted and not that my father would have to deal with controlling a fetish. If I happen to fall asleep wearing my socks, I have been told that I will rip them off and throw them across the room. If a guy so much as touches my feet, I get really nauseated. 

      I understand that tickling is a common flirtatious act and that spanking is a common action with couples in playful or passionate situations, but both will make me either cry or want to break your arm. When I was little and used to get out of the bath and be standing in my towel, my father would tickle me. I hated this because I was naked and if I dropped my towel I would have nothing there to protect myself. I was recently on a date and the guy simply forgot that I didn't like tickling. I instantly placed a death grip on his wrists and he said the look in my eyes was terrifying. I don't intend at all to be mean, but the instinct to protect myself has grown very strong. I got spanked a lot as a kid also. I get that parents spank, but I never found it as anything other than pure punishment. We had a variety of wooden spoons that were used for spanking. One was long and thin which made a very sharp sting. Another was round and flat and covered more area. If I had committed a terrible offense my father would call home from work every few hours to make sure that my mother spanked me some more. My mother was merciful though and found a pillow that was thick and sounded like muscle when hit (my father would insist on hearing the spanking happen) and I got good at wailing at the right moment so that it appeared my sentence had been served. Sometimes my father would hit when I had done nothing wrong but instead of apologize, he would tell me that I had probably done something wrong and not been punished for it, so I still deserved the punishment. Guys still think it's okay to push the issue though. Their calls no longer get answered. 

      When I got divorced I set myself up at Dreamy Eyes apartment and lived on his couch until I felt better.  (Don't tell him I feel better!) Since then he has spoiled me. If I stay over between work shifts, he will have my bed all set up with a top sheet (I have been really good about where I squeeze the toothpaste), the pillow cases with the openings facing out because I don't like those near my face, an extra pillow for snuggling, a heating pad already heated if it is winter, and my phone charger plugged into the nearest outlet. He thinks this is standard nice behavior. I think it is beyond what would be expected. I would be happy with a blanket on the couch. I mentioned that I like cucumbers in my water, and now there are bags of sliced cucumber in the fridge. I kept forgetting to grab a hairbrush, and one day this appeared on my shelf:

     Each time I go on a date and tell Dreamy Eyes about it, he gets increasingly frustrated that guys are terrible. I have lamented that I will end up needing to lower my expectations and each time I do, I hear a very encouraging and supportive "Raise that bar, Gorgeous!" 

     I have been working on raising that bar, but sometimes the bar gets heavy and exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who isn't amused by his own farts? Why is it too much to ask for them to treat wait staff like people? Why must they get offended if I get annoyed when my level of comfort and safety is approaching its limits? I was out hiking on one date and it got dark. I had my phone with me but he had nothing. I used my phone for a flashlight and I wanted to keep my map page open so we could have the best route back to the car. We sat for a bit and seeing as I had tight pants, my phone wouldn't fit in my pocket, so I put it in my bra. My date was irritated that I put my phone there because he wanted to explore. I was not even a little bit interested in that and was happy with where I had placed my phone. He offered to put my phone in his pocket and got very offended when I refused. At this point I was ready to go home. I don't think he was a bad guy nor do I think he was trying to take my phone away on purpose, but it bothered me that he didn't respect that he was crossing my level of feeling safe. A few years ago I'm sure I would have politely handed over the phone. Now I am bold enough to insist on what I need to do to remain in my comfort zone. 

     I wish there was some way to decline a future date without being made to feel like the villain. It would be easier if guys would just accept "Thanks for dinner, it was lovely to meet you, but no thank you". They don't. They always ask why. Why if I want to date did I not want to date them? Why did I decide so much after one date instead of giving them more chances? I am not into wasting my time and then having it be worse by wasting their time also after 6 of 7 dates. Why if they insist on hearing my reasons for declining do they then get offended by the fact that I noticed bothersome flaws? 

After being spoiled by Dreamy Eyes I now find it unacceptable that if while driving I say "Hey look, Taco Bell is still open!" that they don't understand that this means "Get me a mommy fudging quesadilla".  I no longer feel like I need a prince to rescue me, because, as Dreamy Eyes says "If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you have is a distressed damsel".  I do however like to be doted upon and treated like a girly girl. None of the guys I've dated have bought me flowers. That is of course not a deal breaker, but flowers make me smile. Dreamy Eyes has gotten me several beautiful bouquets for no reason other than he says that he likes making me happy. Flowers make me REALLY happy.

      The other day I could not find my giant glass of cucumber water. I thought that Dreamy Eyes had thrown it away because I had done something annoying. I sighed and said "Well, I guess I deserved that" and he spent several minutes telling me that not only did he not throw out my drink, but that I would not have deserved it if he had. Another time we were having pasta and as I went to have some of his I dropped a noodle on the floor. He picked it up and ate it. I was shocked that HE ate it and didn't make me eat it, since I was the one who dropped and wasted it. It is just instinctual for me to think that if I have been remotely wrong, I deserve to be belittled and punished. I KNOW that I don't, and after a few moments I get back to reality, but it is buried deep into my brain that I am worthless and should find it normal to be treated poorly by men. I am so grateful that Dreamy Eyes has helped me to see that men shouldn't be terrible, although I still believe I am forever spoiled. There is a line from one of my favorite movies that goes "My father's house was a nightmare. Your house was a dream. Now I want something in between." 

     I am not at all where ATI would think I should be by now. I am 27, single, and have seen none of my children born. I work 4 jobs and I am working on higher education. I am not in a foreign country as a missionary. I am not under the authority of a man. As I was getting ready for work today I realized that for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I smile just because I feel like it. I don't want to settle for guys who are less than what I need. I am proud of myself for being able to stand my ground and not give in when guys attempt guilt trips. One of my patients asked me if I was married, and I said "no". The patient told me "Oh, well that's okay". I smiled and told them that yes, it is very much okay, because for the first time in my life I don't feel like I am out to attain a goal that someone else thinks I should have. I am exactly where I should be, and I intend on getting that bar higher and higher as I continue to fight my way out of the cult's very real bondage. 

    

5 Molestations and Counting (as requested by popular demand)

      For the last few years, whenever I would tell someone that I was homeschooled, it was easiest to tell them that I was raised in ATI, the same program that the Duggars use. Most people had heard of the Duggars and their ever growing family. My mother would always joke and say "we knew them when they only had 11!" We met the Duggars at one of our ATI conferences in Knoxville, and they were just as they appear on TV. But that is how all ATI families are trained to be. The Duggars aren't special. Everyone in ATI is taught to give soft spoken answers while "deflecting praise" and bringing honor to God in everything that is said. My mother and I, along with a hefty portion of America, watched the TLC show each week. My mother and I started playing a game where every time a Duggar was being interviewed, we would see how close of an answer we could give to what that Duggar would say. This is a fairly easy game to play if you have been in ATI for more than 8 seconds. You learn the language. I have a post about the language of ATI that I wrote a few months ago. It's all about how you look to the world. When ATI families travel, they should be the best dressed family on an airplane so that people will notice them and if a comment is made, the family can direct attention to God and have a chance to bring glory to Him. ATI trains you to think that you are humble, but really all you are doing is drawing more and more attention to yourself by trying to be better than "the world". 
    
       I, along with many of you, watched as Josh Duggar began his courtship with Anna. This was a fairly standard process for ATI students, but to America, it was strange. They made it known that they had been saving their first kiss for marriage. Jim Bob and Michelle would say in their interviews that they had given in to temptation, and had not brought glory to God with their bodies when they were dating, so they trained their children to pursue courtship. In ATI, dating is not allowed. We were taught that dating leads to divorce because you are allowed to give in to any desires of the flesh you choose. There are no boundaries and no consequences for violating those boundaries (a prom night baby was not viewed as a consequence. All pregnancies are a blessing and although this would bring shame to the high schoolers' families and probably mean that the mother could not go to college, but women shouldn't go to college anyway and this would keep one more woman in the kitchen where she belongs...hence, blessing). 

       Courtship involves very little input on the woman's side. When a young man feels that God is speaking to him about the young lady who should be his "help meet" (aka his downstairs gets tingly when this lady walks by) the young man is then to go to his father and have his father pray about the matter to see if God also tells the father that this young lady should bear his future generations. Once God has cleared this with these two, the young man should go to the father of the young lady. Her father then must pray about the matter and determine if his daughter is prepared for marriage, and if this young man will be the authority figure that she needs. If she is strong willed and has yet to be broken, then either she is not ready for marriage, or the young man will need to have a will that is stronger than hers in order to maintain the proper chain of command in the household at all times, never giving rule over to a woman. The young lady's father may or may not decide to alert his wife to the current prayer closet happenings. This is really an individual choice, depending on how submissive your wife is. If there is a chance that your wife will alert your daughter of the plans for her future, your wife should probably learn her place and be kept in the dark on this for a while longer. After all of this praying about this young lady takes place, her father will go to her and ask her if she would like to pursue a relationship tell her that the 3 men have prayed over her and believe it is God's will that she begin a courtship with said young man. The young lady IS allowed to say no, but she will most likely need to endure some lengthy wisdom searches with her father about why they have differing views on her potential mates. 

       When I was growing up my father would always tell people that when a boy liked me, "the lad" would have to go through a process before he got to me. 1. Order a pizza and have it sent to my father. (who knew that girls on tinder would catch on to my father's courtship strategy) 2. The lad could bring my father the pizza, then leave. 3. The lad could bring my father a pizza, have a slice, but eat his on the porch. 4. The lad could bring a pizza and eat it inside with my father. Then, and only then would the lad be allowed to discuss my future. Sadly for my father, my level of affection for the Domino's guy varies by how tubby I feel that day vs. how badly I want cheesy bread. 

      My father was terribly disappointed when instead of a quiet, submissive daughter, he got a strong willed girl who makes her own choices. I did not follow the ATI laws of courtship. I dated a couple of guys and didn't bring it up to my father. When I was 22 I got engaged. I had not told my father I was seeing this guy until there was a ring on my finger. When I brought my then fiance over to my parents' house, my father did not ask him how much he loved me. He did not ask about goals for our careers. He did not ask how well I would be treated. He asked the lad "Are you going to be able to support Heather and your family on just your income when she finally comes around and makes the right choice to quit her job to stay home and home school your children?" and "Heather is pretty set in her ideas. Are you prepared to be the head of the household and be the proper authority that she needs?" I was livid, but my then fiance gave the correct answers that I could do whatever I wanted and it was not his choice if I worked or not, but mine. He told my father that he was not going to be my authority. This severely disappointed my father, but I was a lost cause and he had another daughter he could try to brainwash.

       Josh and Anna had their courtship in front of America. We watched as they shared their first kiss after a courtship of nothing but purity and side-hugs. Now that it has come out that Josh has molested 5 young girls, including his sisters, my facebook and inbox are filled every day asking what I think about the situation and if I am shocked. Many of you have posted articles on my facebook page that have also brought to light the cult that ATI is. While this is a topic that floods the magazine racks right now, for those of us who grew up in this world, it didn't phase us one bit.

        When you live in a world with such strict and legalistic rules, you learn where the loopholes are. Purity is constantly emphasized and held on a pedestal. Purity is always more of a girl's responsibility than a boy's. In the pamphlet I have for the ATI conference in 1998 it lists the dress code for the "apprenticeship students" (ages 15-18). Ladies should wear modestly fitting blouses with sleeves covering the upper arm. Necklines must be no more than 3 finger-widths from the clavicle. No material may be see-through. Skirts should not be form-fitting and should hang below the knee. Shoes must have closed-toes and heels may be no more than 2". Ladies must dress in a way that would bring attention to their countenance and would not defraud our young men. Young men should wear khaki or navy blue slacks and a collared shirt with a tie. What? aren't we going to mention that some guys look really nice in khakis while they are repelling? We needn't worry about defrauding the ladies since women don't have sex drives? No need to mention that after a long day of prayer and fasting the guys shouldn't loosen their tie by doing that little wiggle move back and forth that might make a lady think about some other uses for that tie? But I digress...

        We were always told that once we lost our purity, the light in our eyes would go out and everyone would instantly be able to tell that we had given in to temptation. Girls losing their purity was always a bigger deal than if a boy lost his. If a girl wasn't a virgin, she would need to pray daily that a good Christian man would find enough of God's grace to accept her as the damaged "chewed up and spit out candy bar" that she was and still be willing to marry her. If a boy was not a virgin, this was still not great, but he would just need to confess his transgression to his father and his future wife, as Josh did, and expect them to understand that clearly he had been defrauded by the girl and this was not something for which he should be held accountable. Forgiveness comes pretty easy to dudes in ATI. 

       ATI couples tend to marry very young for several reasons. One is to maximize the woman's fertile years so that she can produce as many children as possible. Another is so that the men will have an appropriate outlet for their sexual needs. Once married, the man owns the wife. "A servant's mind-set is what God is looking for in marriage. This is clearly explained in Ephesians 5:21-33"-Bill Gothard, HSC report, Sept. 1997.  The man will no longer be distracted from God's plan for his life seeing as he has a women upon whom he can release all of his desires, whether she is on board or not. If she is not on board with his bedroom plans, she needs to get right with her Lord. Many of the ATI kids managed to get into relationships in the teens years, mostly behind our parents' backs. As with many teen relationships, the girl feels pressured to put out or else the boy will stray and find a girl who will. In ATI, putting out is not really an option, so loopholes were found. Many ATI girls lost their anal virginity long before their vaginal virginity, because this would still technically keep them pure. Or the girls would practice kissing each other, because we had only vowed not to kiss boys, and the Bible really only warned against dude sodomy. Josh and Anna were able to stand on their marriage altar in front of a nation and say that they were each having their first kiss. This is the same type of loophole. If marriage vows were sealed with some groping or over-the-panties fondling, Josh would not have been looked so pure. 

        As I wrote about in my post about the training center in Oklahoma, many ATI girls were molested and raped by their brothers. When they would talk about the molestation that occurred in their homes, none of them spoke of being angry at their brothers or thinking that their homes were unsafe places. Each and every one of them blamed themselves and would pray for forgiveness for acting or dressing in a way that defrauded their brother and caused him to give in to temptation. They would pray that one day a man would still be able to love a wretch such as them even tough they were no longer pure for him. I would tell them how horrible this was and try to make them see that this was not their fault, but I was always told that I just didn't understand because I only had a sister. Our ATI photo looks very different from most others. We never had to use a wide angle lens or be shot outside because we didn't fit in a studio. 

       
       Not all of my ATI friends were molested by their brothers, but any number other than zero is unacceptable. I was told that most of the girls saw this as a normal part of puberty for their brothers. Some of my ATI friends may have been spared due to the fact that they are a decade older than their brothers and therefore much less vulnerable. I had always wanted a brother when I was growing up. When I heard of these stories I became very grateful that I only had a sister.

        As with spousal abuse, ATI teaches that one must go through the proper channels of authority once a case of abuse is reported. Bill Gothard writes "I teach that a wife should report abuse to her father and father-in-law. If the husband does not listen to these men, they should take the matter to the church. If the husband refuses to listen to the church, the matter should be brought to the proper government authorities. Before this procedure is followed, however, we emphasize that a wife must have "...a conscience void of offence toward God and toward man" (Acts 25:16)"  So, if the wife (or in the Duggar case, sister) has done anything that could have possibly made her deserving of said abuse, such as wearing a defrauding article of clothing, or uncontrollably growing breasts, this needs not to be brought to the attention of the police because she deserved it. 

         Each article I have read confirms that the Duggars did not stray from Bill Gothard's teachings on how to handle abuse. America appears shocked that Jim Bob and Michelle would cover up such acts, especially when they also occurred with a child who was not from their loins, but honestly, this is exactly what the Duggars and every other ATI family has had taught to them over and over for years. It appears that Josh also confessed his acts to Anna and her father before they were married, and Anna commends Josh for being honest and for humbling himself before God by confessing his sin. I in NO way feel that the way the Duggars handled the matter was appropriate, I am merely not slightly surprised. Many have accused Jim Bob and Michelle of neglect due to having more children than average parents could care for adequately, and I feel that is subjective. However, knowingly allowing your daughters and other girls to stay in the same home and sleeping areas as a teen who has reported sexual molestation is pure child abuse.  

       I know that my post tonight mirrors that of dozens, if not hopefully hundreds of women who, like myself, have overcome and escaped the abusive brainwashing of ATI's cult. I am elated that so many women are getting the courage to speak out about what really happens. Bill Gothard had recently been removed as the leader of ATI after he was charged with molesting dozens of young women himself. The thing that still bothers me though is that I have yet to read an article or post written by an ATI-raised man. What have the guys taken away from all of this? I have a few dear male friends who were raised in ATI who still speak to me. Did they know their friends were molesting their sisters? How did they feel about all of the purity guilt piled upon all of us? I have fought all this time to be a voice for the women, and I will never stop, but for once I want to hear from the guys. Did they feel just as victimized, or did they feel empowered because women were inferior? Were the boys molested also and no one dares mention that? I encourage all of the ATI kids, now adults to keep on writing. Keep on telling our stories and continue to expose this terrible brainwashing that is so well hidden behind seemingly perfect smiles.