What is a woman's greatest danger?

       I signed on tonight with the intention of writing about the skewed teachings of ATI and just how warped their beliefs are. I went to my parents' house tonight and looked around in the basement for some of the old "wisdom booklets" in order to pull some true examples to show you all just what we were taught. My mother pulled a notebook off the shelf titled "Home Superintendents' Council   Advanced Training Institute International" and had my father's name and address on the cover. I had seen this binder before, but I was never allowed to touch the things on my father's desk. "Home Superintendent" is ATI for "dad". Every month the men of ATI would meet locally with each other to discuss how to rule their homes. They were sent newsletters each month written by Bill Gothard with topics that applied to "real families" and everyday life. I instantly sat down and began flipping through the binder.  As my Gramma would say, the madder I got, the faster I read and the faster I read, the madder I got that anyone could live in this world which I did. My mother had to make me get up off the floor and go to work. I took the binder with me. I had intended on pulling several small examples of statements that would allow me to show you that I exaggerate none of my writings.  As I sit here flipping through page after page of  "Biblical advice" I came across an article "to be read at the beginning of the September 1997 HSC meeting". This article itself provides the perfect example of misogyny and male superiority which was drilled into our heads for years.  I have edited nothing, and all of my comments are in purple. If you require them, I would suggest taking your blood pressure medications at this time.


                                                  What is a woman's greatest danger?

      I have asked this question of hundreds of younger and older women. They responded with many suggestions, but when I named the following, they all instantly nodded and affirmed that this was indeed their greatest danger:
                          UNPREDICTABLE EMOTIONS
       Many women are controlled by their emotions, and their emotions are controlled by a variety of factors that are unanticipated by them and often misunderstood by those around them. Emotions are a part of the soul, which is made up of the mind, will, and emotions.
What Controls The Emotions
Any two of the three elements of the soul will control the third. Thus...
Emotions plus will overcome the mind.
Emotions plus mind overcome the will.
Mind plus will overcomes the emotions.
With this overview, it is easy to understand why God warns that our real warfare is in the mind and in making Biblical commitments with our will. We are to cast down false ideas and imaginations and bring every thought captive to the truth that is in Christ. God promises peace to any believer who will keep his mind fixed upon the Lord Jesus Christ, rather than the passing troubles and tribulations that so quickly create fear and worry, upset hormonal balances, and produce powerful emotions that override clear thinking and previous commitments to live Godly lives.
To anyone who answered "The Limbic system", "The Hypothalamus", or "The Amygdala", I'm sorry. That is incorrect, but you are probably a woman, so that is to be expected.
Basic causes of wrong emotions in women
You will not suffer from these if you were born with a penis.
1. FEARS
       Fears do not come from God. They come from Satan. And vaginas.  Hundreds of times throughout Scripture we are warned not to fear. Fears are disabling. As are spinal cord injuries. They result in wrong decisions and destructive actions. A women tends to have fears in the following areas:

• Fear of Rejection-This is, perhaps, the strongest fear of a woman, because God created woman from man, and to be rejected by a father of husband is to lose her God-given identity. Clearly it is impossible to know who you are unless there is a man in your life. Fear of rejection explodes in a woman when she sees her husband admire or pay undue attention to another woman. Admiring another woman who clearly deserves it by wearing clothes which were intended to defraud a man is to be expected. This is only a problem if your wife fears being rejected, it is never due to the fact that you were being a horny bastard with no self-control.  
• Fear of Inadequacy-Most women feel inadequate for the tasks and responsibilities that they face. Sometimes sewing clothes for that 20th child can get confusing.  They need constant reassurance from a patient, sensitive, kind, and understanding husband. Often they need special training or assistance in difficult tasks. Remember, they haven't had all that there fancy book learnin' like you done there did.  A wise husband will find skilled older women who can invest in his wife. A man cannot be expected to help his wife in learning these tasks, he is very busy not being controlled by those pesky, wrong emotions. A happy, fulfilled wife is a key to a successful family.
• Fear of the Unknown-The homemaking desires of a wife and mother give her the ability to create a "functional world" and serve her family within it. The fact that functional world is in quotation marks should be noted. The real world is too vast for a woman to understand, so she should be allowed to create her own simple reality where she will be much more comfortable. When she is asked to perform a new task or move to a new location, she will tend to have immediate fears. A wise husband will always allow his wife enough time and information to move mentally and emotionally before asking her to move physically.
• Fear of Sickness and Pain-Satan condemns a woman for any past violation of God's holy law. Any moral failure in the past will create fears of future judgment in her own physical health, or in the health of her babies. I can't tell you how terrible it is to have people tell you that the reason your child did not survive pregnancy was because you had committed a sinful act for which God had not forgiven you. The first step when a miscarriage or SIDS occurs is to find the sin in the woman's life, and only after thorough soul searching is medical help sought as a cause.  She needs to be reassured from Psalm 51 and 103 that God forgives those whose sins are cleansed by the blood of Christ and that "He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities" (Psalm 103:10)
• Fear of Loneliness-With the expectation of children leaving the home and with an increasing number of Christian fathers violating their marriage vows, leaving their wives, and forsaking their children, a wife today can be terribly vulnerable to the fear of loneliness. Loneliness begins when the spirit of a husband grows distant from his wife. Finally! Something is the fault of the husband! This often happens when there is an offensive discussion that caused the husband to become angry, resentful, or bitter. Tricked you! It's still the woman's fault!  Such incidents must be corrected in the day they occur by truly repenting of the basic offense, making confession, asking forgiveness, and praying together. This step is only necessary if the old lady you hired has not taught your wife to pray on her own. These things can be difficult.

2. BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS
        Marriage is a covenant because it is established on a relationship. A contract is established on goods and services. A woman's world revolves around relationships, and when any one of the following relationships is broken, she will experience unexpected emotional upheavals in other areas of her life.

• A Distant Relationship With God-A wife's fellowship with God is in direct relationship to the harmony she has with her father and her husband. The key to restoring relationships is in cleansing her by the Word of God, which is achieved through the husband's memorizing and meditating on Scripture. Memorizing is a lot of work. One cannot expect his wife to be able to take on this task herself. So as not to make her feel inadequate in yet another area of her life, it is best just to take on this role yourself and not even let your wife try.  Just as Jesus sanctified himself by the Word for our sakes, so a husband must sanctify himself by the Word and prayer for the sake of his wife and children.
• A Damaged Relationship With the Father-Many fathers have damaged their daughters as they were growing up. Agreed. These offenses must be dealt with Biblically and cleared up so that the daughter can love and forgive her father even if he is not the man he should be. Seeing as all fathers are men, the daughter is clearly the one responsible here. Physical, emotional, mental, or any other type of abuse are not a factor. A father who rejects his daughter for being an adulterous harlot is to be idolized and adored just as a father who sees his daughter as his little princess would be...or some other completely random example of how a father could offend his daughter. 
• A Strained Relationship With the Mother-If a father is not getting along with his wife, he may show extra attention to a daughter, Yes, this may even be in the form of sexual attention if the daughter has a defrauding nature. which may then cause the mother to react to her. The problem is intensified when the daughter asks the father for privileges that the mother does not think are wise or appropriate.
• An Overdependence on Friends-When God-given relationships are damaged, and therefore are not producing the love, support, and counsel that are necessary, friends are often used to fill these deficiencies. Such friendships can quickly become too dominant, or hurtful as expectations are unfulfilled. Outsiders may learn too much and may point out that your wife is in a cult, and may attempt to rescue her. 

BASIC STEPS TO CONQUER WRONG EMOTIONS
         A wise and courageous (really? you need courage to face a woman who has created a "functional world"?)  husband will regularly ask his wife to describe her emotions to him. He will listen with interest and patience, without feeling he must understand each one or defend himself if he is the cause. Hold your ground, men! Resist that urge to admit fault! After discussing unpredictable emotions, he will help his wife in the following ways.
1. ACCEPT THE REALITY OF UNPREDICTABLE EMOTIONS Bitches be crazy
2. DEDICATE THE EMOTIONS TO GOD IN A SPECIFIC PRAYER God doesn't like important prayers to be clogged up with concerns about how a woman feels.
3. RESTORE ANY DAMAGED OR BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS Make her give you make-up sex.
4. LIST HER FEARS AND DISCOVER RHEMAS FOR EACH ONE
        This step is vital, because the rhemas of the Word are the Sword of the Spirit by which a wife can do battle against the enemy. You may need to set aside a few days for step 4. A woman may feel inadequate and may need special training and assistance in using her imaginary sword.  Share verses with her in areas of fears and see which ones stand out to her with special meaning.
5. MAINTAIN ADEQUATE SLEEP AND PROPER NUTRITION No one likes a hangry wife.
6. HELP HER TO SEEK DISCIPLES, NOT JUST FRIENDS Disciple: Woman who is able to be brainwashed as well. Friend: Person who may threaten your power by letting your wife borrow a book. 
7. ANTICIPATE THE CYCLES OF LIFE Know when to expect your wife's lady times. Simply asking your wife may not be enough, seeing as the stove only has a clock, not a calendar. 

             WHAT IS A MAN'S GREATEST DANGER?
        The greatest danger in a man is anger. It destroys his objectivity, damages vital character qualities, and devastates all those around him. Scripture confirms this danger by warning husbands not to be bitter against their wives, or their prayers will be hindered. Note: still the fault of the wife. (See 1 Peter 3:7) For further help, study the Counseling Booklet on anger. ONE PARAGRAPH?!?! ONE. FREAKING. PARAGRAPH. 

      I was raised hearing and believing all of this, but after being out for a few years, even I forget just how ridiculous everything really was. This article absolutely outrages me, but I am not currently on my period so I can't figure out why I am feeling all of these wrong emotions! If only I had a husband or an involved father to memorize some verses for me so I could get some sleep tonight! 

Would you like some butt-sex with your bacon?

       Several years ago, I learned that one of my best friends, Jess was a lesbian. She and I both grew up in the church, and were homeschooled. Our fathers sat on either side of the pastor during services, and our mothers were best friends.  She and I were planning on being roommates at Bible college before I dropped out and Jess quickly followed suit. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it was for Jess to open up about who she is.  I knew that our church was against homosexuality. We had heard countless sermons for years about the ultimate abomination and we were not to associate with those who practiced homosexuality, let alone partake for ourselves. 
        
          When Jess "came out", I felt torn. I loved her. She was my best friend, but I didn't believe in what she was doing and I would surely not be able to be her friend anymore.  The cult kind of trained me to be an asshole. Jess was made to attend the addictions program the church held as an attempt to rid her of her addiction to women and unnatural lusts of the flesh. Jess went through a few years of life being very rough for her. She and I didn't speak for quite a while during the time that "she was astray".  On the night that she came back to church for the first time the pastor preached on what an abomination homosexuality was. Everyone knew that this was Jess' first service back at church and it was obvious that she was singled out. I was heart broken for her. I don't know how she managed to sit silently through the entire thing. 

          After a while Jess and I started talking again, and she accepted that I was uncomfortable with her new lifestyle because she was raised the same way that I was. People in the church sent her letters every week suggesting different verses to read that would show her how wrong she was. They told her that she wasn't truly "saved" (Baptist for going to Heaven) because there was no way that she could be living an abomination yet know the love of God.  Jess is amazing and has given me endless amounts of stories of what has been done to her and how she was outcast and ostracized, but I feel that further detail is for her to tell. It is her story.  

          A few years later Jess told me that she was getting married.  She was marrying Jen. I was completely unsure how to feel about all of this! I knew that her family and the church would never support the marriage, but what was I going to do? For a long time I struggled with how to feel about all of this. I didn't believe in gay marriage...did I? Jess and Jen had a block party to celebrate their nuptials and I did attend. When I got married I asked Jess to be a bridesmaid, but she declined because she didn't want to stand there and support my marriage when I wasn't totally sure how I felt about hers. That's why I love her. She is honest and genuine. Jess and Jen both attended my wedding and watching my father's face when they got up to dance with all the couples was priceless!  

        I decided that I would take a look at everything and decide for myself how I felt about not only having homosexual friends, but supporting them and being a friend. As if playing a constant word association game, each time I thought of homosexuality, I would think "abomination".  So I started there. I looked through verse after verse about what the Bible called abominations. I found that there were dozens of other things that were listed as "abominations" but why did we only ever focus on one? If  I was to take everything as literally as the church had been telling me, It appears as if I am guilty of abominations even as I type this! Deut. 22:5  "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God." Oh dear. I am currently wearing my paramedic uniform which is not made for women. It is my size (kind of) but all of my EMS clothes are made for men. Is this something that is going to cause me to lose my spot in Heaven? Prov. 6:16-19 "These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren." Those are all things that we know are "bad", but I have never heard a sermon where the pastor compared lying or being stuck up to being homosexual.  The Bible uses the very same word to describe how God feels about these things, but if I brought that up I was told that "it's different". Why is it different? In Isaiah 66:17 it says  "They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD." I don't know about you, but I do not consider eating bacon the same as lying. Unless I am asked if there is anymore bacon left. I feel as if I went to Denny's tomorrow and told all of the patrons who ordered bacon that they were surely going to Hell that I would not only be laughed at, but probably arrested. 

         If you ask my father, he will tell you that bacon no longer counts as an abomination, because that is part of the Old Testament law. So are the Ten Commandments, but bacon is delicious. Why do we get to pick and choose which laws and customs we still follow and which ones we dismiss? Hey, if a woman giving birth on another woman's knee was still a law, I would have two kids already!

      My father, and the elders of his church all state that homosexuality is also called out as sin in the New Testament, and therefore stick to it being an abomination. Their go-to passage is Romans 1:26-32 "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,  Without understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."
 
       Breathe. I know that was a lot of Scripture quoting. Usually when making their point they will stop after verse 28, where it says "to do those things which are not convenient" and leave off the long list of sins that are worthy of death. So...If I am correct, and homosexuality is a sin worthy of death, then shouldn't the disobedient kids be stoned to death instead of put in time-out? I mean, after all, it's New Testament law, Right?  I feel like this passage isn't even about homosexuality. There is a very long list of rude actions, but every single sin listed there is something that is a sin against someone. Unless it is not consensual, homosexuality is not a sin that is committed against anyone. 

       Now, let's take this passage literally for a moment. Warning, I am going to be a bit graphic so stop reading if the title didn't already give you enough warning.
 "Women did change the natural use into that which is against nature"...Nature wants the human race to continue. ATI teaches that this should be taken literally and that this has nothing to do with homosexuality, but that sex should only be performed "naturally". Meaning if you can't get her pregnant through that hole, you shouldn't be putting it in there.
"Men with men working that which is unseemly...to do those things which are not convenient." I know how bodies work and I have many friends who are not shy about their love lives. Vaginas naturally make lubricant that is used to ease a penis on it's journey to fertilization town. I hear that the way men do things may require a bit of outsourced lube (yes, heterosexual couples buy lube too, but stay with me here). Women, I think have it slightly more difficult because there are fewer body parts that can mimic that of a man's, so "accessories" can be purchased.  Because this is not the natural way that humans are created, for some, it could certainly become not convenient.   Other than that, I haven't really found anything that says that Jess is a terrible person destined for Hell. 

        Since Jess and Jen got married, I have attended several gay and lesbian weddings, and never before have I witnessed such genuine love. These people are so precious to me and I couldn't imagine them being any other way. They are real. They are loving. They understand what it's like not to fit in. They understand that love doesn't always fit in a neat little box-wink. Sometimes I hear people say "They can do what they want behind closed doors, but I don't want to think about it." Alright, does that mean you spend a fair share of your time running possible play-by-plays of your heterosexual friends' bedroom romps? Weirdo. 

         One of my mother's best friends, John, is gay. He is one of the most caring and protective men I have ever met and some people mistake him for my step-father.  A few months ago I was at my boyfriend's apartment cleaning and cooking to surprise him when he got home from a trip. While I was there I realized I had a kidney stone. The pain was awful and I wanted to go home where I had some vicodin left over from my last trigger point injection. I was in so much pain that I couldn't sit. I needed to stay upright or flat. I couldn't drive. I asked my mother to come drive me home, but my car would be left there. My father was home but refused to come drive my car home because I deserved to have kidney stones. This was my punishment for dating someone after I was divorced. John gave up his afternoon and drove me home in my car while my mother followed. This was far above anything that he needed to do for me, but he did it. He made sure I was comfortable and had all I needed before they left. That's what love is. Being a decent human being and not judging someone for what sin you think they are committing. Just freaking love them. 

        Some argue that homosexuality is wrong because it goes against the natural way to have a family. People who are related by blood yet have no use for each other hardly seem like a family to me. Sure, my friends may have to take a few different steps in order to have a family, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. If a heterosexual couple adopt, aren't they a real family? I might not be able to carry my own child. If my sister grows a baby for me, does that make the child any less mine? I used to have an EMT partner who was a lesbian, and we instantly bonded over the fact that our uteruses were terrible and were both unsure if we could carry a baby. Sexual orientation didn't play a factor. We were just women bonding over the same issues and sharing a mutual struggle.  Jess now has an amazing wife whom I also love, and Jen brought two boys into the mix. Now Jess teases me because she has kids and I don't, and she got them post-potty training. 

        To all of my gay, lesbian, and bi friends, I am so sorry for letting the cult brain wash me into being a jerk for so long. I am so happy that you are who you are and I love you all so much! I will even let you have some of my bacon. 

When my two worlds collide

      I did not think when I got into the world of paramedicine that I would ever need to dip into the knowledge of the world I had left behind. I thought I would have hours upon hours of reading EKGs, controlling bleeding, and basically being an all around life-saving badass. I studied SO hard in medic school to learn answers other than "because God made it that way". I never thought that my strict studying of the Bible would ever come in handy in my new world. False!
   
      For all of the types of calls we have, we have medics who are better at some than others. I hate eyes but will help you deliver your baby any chance I get. I have to try so hard to be interested in cardiology. I am good at it, but it's not what I spend my leisure time thinking about as some of my coworkers do. I can comfort and treat kids without them being scared. Diabetics, fear not! We have medics with that too! Some of my coworkers are fluent in Spanish and can go about their job without a struggle. My range of treating in Spanish includes understanding that you have had muchas cervezas, and poking at various parts of your body while asking "dolor?" -Dear Mr Schietinger, I am diligently studying my Spanish because I am, as I write each year in my self-evaluation, constantly striving to be better and to provide the best care possible (please imagine an angelic smile on my face). I also use my translator app a whole bunch.
     
      Over the years, I feel that "psych" calls, or calls for an "emotionally distraught person, or EDP"- (which I think sounds more polite because it is not putting a label on someone, it is just acknowledging that they are not having a great day) have become one of my strong points. Yes, yes. I am aware that I set myself up for years of jokes about me being crazy. Go ahead, I'll just avoid facebook for a bit. All kidding aside, I like EDP calls. After going through a lot of terrible things and my own bouts of depression, I know what I needed then, and I know that no one wants to hear that their suicide attempt was selfish, that their problems aren't as bad as someone else's, or that they are wasting our time because "other people are actually dying". Anyone who has ever said that to one of my patients is instantly removed from my scene.

     I have found that a surprising amount of EDP calls have caused my old world to surface and become very helpful. Sometimes the situations are very sad, other times it is hard to keep a straight face, because you just can't make these things up. I have an example of each.
   
      One night a few months ago we responded for a woman who had attempted (and was still attempting) to jump over a bridge. When I arrived she was screaming at the top of her lungs and trying to escape the grasp of a stranger who had seen her trying to jump, pulled her off the ledge, and was trying his hardest to keep her from climbing over again. Sometimes when we respond to suicide attempts they are more on the "cry for help" side of things. This was not. This woman wanted out and she was very angry at this man for stopping her. The police wrote an order for her to be transported to a hospital. In the ambulance, she was inconsolable. I was driving, but I could hear her telling my partner about how her church had driven her to this, and no one could ever find out that she had attempted suicide, because her husband would be removed from his position in the church if they knew that she was doing something worthy of her losing her salvation. The police in this city are great, but they were not really into chatting about her church. She was screaming because no one believed her that a church could drive her to this by controlling her entire life. Someone at the ER told her that "those things happen in other countries, not here." Oh? Really? Step aside, she is mine now. I told her that I overheard her talking about her church and asked if by any chance she was Baptist. She stopped crying and asked how I guessed that. I told her that I had heard her say that her husband was a deacon, and a few other things that when added together didn't fit other denominations.
   
      She told me that her husband didn't make enough money to support their family, so she got a job. Her church did not believe that she should work outside the home, and because she was not trusting God and her husband to provide for them, she was sinning, and her husband was beating her for it. She told me he was also raping her, but the women in the church in whom she confided did not see it that way, since it is the wife's job to satisfy the husband. She said that she can't divorce her husband because he will no longer be able to be a deacon in the church if she causes him to commit adultery by ending a marriage. She had left her home a few days before and started living in her car. She said that her husband found her, and took the plates off her car so she would get pulled over and not be able to drive to and from work. She said that she had tried to go to the police about the abuse before, but her pastor found out and rebuked her for not following the scripture and obeying her husband, If she just obeyed her husband, she would not be beaten. This woman had had it. She felt trapped and that death would be better than continuing in that nightmare. She knew that she could divorce her husband, but was afraid that if she did he would keep her children from her, and she didn't want to live without her kids. I told her where I had come from and that although my past was nowhere near as terrible, I knew what she was talking about. I knew the thought process behind what the church had been telling her, and I didn't think she was crazy, I genuinely knew what she meant. I told her that I knew many people who had gotten away from that life and who went on to live very happy lives. She was so happy that finally someone wasn't telling her that her story was crap. I wish I had been able to spend more time with her. As we were leaving she hugged me (I am normally very against hugging my patients for reasons such as germs, infestations, harassment charges, and personal safety, but sometimes you just have to read the room) and thanked me and cried on my shoulder. She said that not until we talked was she glad that she was pulled off that ledge.

        Another time we were called for a "party out of control". We deal with a wide variety of drugs here, and this night was no exception. I arrived to find a man fighting the police and screaming things none of us could understand. I asked the police what I missed and they told me that he has just been screaming things in what sounds like Muslim (I am aware that Muslim is not a language but sometimes in the heat of the moment it is bad to point these things out when you know what they meant) and he has been eating dirt. I was the only female out of maybe ten of us there, and the man saw me as we were moving him into the ambulance. He was speaking in a very raspy, sinister voice and started yelling at me. "And YOU! You small, vile, wretched woman! I didn't come down to earth 20,000 years ago to be beaten and die on the cross so that you could take a man's place and do a forsaken, vile job like this!" I said "Hey! You sound just like my old pastor!" The man then screamed "I HATE PASTORS!", changed to a sweet, normal voice and said "I'm so sorry. I want you to know that you're beautiful." Okay. So now we know that he thinks he is Jesus and has clearly had some church PTSD. One officer mentioned to the man that he was not in fact Jesus, because Jesus would be able to get out of His handcuffs, but as you can guess, that didn't go over well and we were back to the raspy, sinister voice yelling not to tempt the Lord your God.
     
        There is a comedy track that circles on my Pandora station where the comedian is talking about doing an improv show and he is frustrated at the other actor because "You are not YES, AND-ing right now!". That is what was happening on my call. Sometimes people tell me that they had lunch with George Washington today. Sometimes they tell me that the scar on their arm is from an alien abduction. So what? Who am I to tell them they are liars or to refuse to hold their hand because I am not really their granddaughter? My job is to get them to the hospital safely. I don't torture people, such as leaning into their belief that they are covered in snakes and are terrified, but sometimes you just have to "Yes, And..." a bit.

        I asked the man if he knew what year it was because Jesus didn't come to earth 20,000 years ago. Note that I didn't tell him he was not Jesus, I was only asking the date. He was fine with this because I wasn't arguing with him. He gave me some long explanation and told me not to act like I understand quantum energy. I told him I have never, nor would I ever do such a thing, and we were back to him telling me about how he was crucified for me and I told him I appreciated that sacrifice. Again, I didn't tell him that he didn't get crucified, I just "Yes, And-ed" carefully. I'm not very large. Verbal de-escalation is really all I have going for me.

         My partner, who as many of the men here do, believes in keeping chivalry alive and rode in the back with the patient and the officer while I drove. I could hear the man almost chanting "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" mixed with some speaking in tongues. The officer said "See, I told you he was saying something in Arabic!" I pointed out that no, he was not. All the kids in ATI had a Hebrew-Greek study Bible, and I was no exception. He was asking why his God had forsaken him, and was likening his handcuffing and transport to that of Jesus being beaten before being put on the cross. (Mark 15: 34) At the ER the man saw me again and agreed to talk to me a bit because I understood a little bit of what he was talking about. When asked for his name he said "Elohim", and when the police were behind him he told them "That's ok, I know what you're doing because I am El Roi." This made me laugh because the dude actually knew his stuff, and had a sense of humor. El Roi means "God who sees". He gave several other names such as El Shaddai, and Adoni, which caused someone to state that the man kept changing who he thought he was. I mentioned that his story was actually pretty consistent, he was naming all names of God. During this process he was yelling at us all for being unrighteous, and I told him that was what Jehovah-Tsidkenu was for, and he actually laughed. For my friends of my past, I know you will get that joke instantly. For those from my new world, that means "The Lord our Righteousness". I didn't spend a Summer helping my mother paint giant banners for Vacation Bible School for nothing!

      The man was still very difficult to handle and to keep from hurting himself and us, but my background made things a tad easier. Earlier I compared this instance to the scene in Legally Blonde where Elle solves the murder case by knowing that you can't wash freshly permed hair. Dreamy Eyes thinks that is a poor example and that I don't need to mention it in this post, but he is not my husband so I don't have to obey him this is my blog and I like my comparison.

       The man would randomly start shouting in tongues and at one point screamed "I NEED A TRANSLATOR!" I asked why he needed a translator since he spoke English very well and he said "It's for MYSELF! I would like to know what I've been saying all this time!" In the spirit of "Yes, And-ing" I looked through my translator app with him, but told him there was nothing for tongues. He suggested I try Japanese and no longer liked me. Well, that and he was still mad that I had taken a job from a man and didn't have a handcuff key.

      I suppose that no matter what path any of us have been down to get where we are, we need to take what we can from what we have experienced, and embrace it instead of hiding who we are.

FAQ- Fallacies, Assumptions, & Quelling

When I started writing this blog, I did not think it would get as much attention as it has. I appreciate every single one of you who have read it, and I greatly enjoy hearing your feedback. Some of you have messaged me or approached me with your questions, and as you have noticed, I will withhold nothing. I am thrilled to start a discussion and clarify anything I have made confusing. Some choose alternate routes of responding to my posts, such as harassing my mother, or just blocking me on Facebook. Blocking me is fine, I don't take offense, but I would like to take this time to quell any of the questions and comments I have heard or received.

"Why do you refer to the churches as cults?" - I do not refer to all churches as cults. I choose my words very carefully. The definition of "cult" is: "A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister." Or "A misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing."
ATI without a doubt fits both of these definitions. The leader of ATI, Bill Gothard is (was) held in very high regard and everyone in ATI based their life choices off of what he said and how he interpreted the Bible. I remember when I was a child, standing in line for hours to meet Mr Gothard and all those around me who wanted him to sign their Bibles. I didn't like the idea of a man signing my Bible. If this book was given to is by God, what right did Mr Gothard have to be putting his name in it? It just always bothered me. My ATI friends thought I was silly for having met Mr Gothard several times and never having him sign my Bible. Now that all his scandals have come to light, I am glad I stuck to my childhood instincts.
The church where my parents attend is less of a cult, but still a cult in my eyes. Their teachings are very legalistic and demeaning. Not allowing women to wear pants because the Bible tells them to appear as a woman is a strange religious belief if you ask me. The definition also notes that they will have practices that are considered sinister. "Sinister: giving the impression that something harmful or evil is happening or will happen." Several of the things that have taken place within that church have been harmful, not only to me personally, but to many others. An example is when I was told that I wasn't having seizures but that I was demon possessed could have been fatal if my mother didn't ignore them and get me medical help.  There have been rapes in the church and families berated for going to the police instead of letting God handle it. There have been youth trips where the pastor has transported several firearms across state lines and taught the teens to shoot, without ever advising the parents or getting their permission. I have hours worth of more examples if you would like them, but I stand behind my usage of the word cult.

"What caused you to turn your back on your faith?"- Nowhere have I ever said that I turned my back on my faith. This blog is about my journey out of the cult and into my own life. If anything, writing this blog has gotten me to look at the Bible more than I had before, because I want to see for myself what it has to say. I know many people who have been raised and abused by religion and who have no use for God or faith. That is not me. I have no use for cults or for people who blindly follow what someone has told them with no way to back it up. (See my Halloween post). If you would like to believe something, that's fine, do whatever you want, but know why you are doing it.
I have not attended church in quite a while, but that is not out of bitterness. It is because I have had a difficult time finding a church that is accepting of people and also has an actual Biblical foundation. It's a process. My grandmother stopped attending church when they "asked her to hem their damn curtains" and she has a better grasp on what Christianity is than some of the people I've seen in church every day of their lives.

"Heather is being slutty on the internet again"- This is said to my mom sometimes. Church people define "slutty" as anyone who has any type of contact with the opposite sex outside of marriage, including a full-hug. Yes. I write honest stories about things that have happened to me in my single and dating life. I am not ashamed of my choices. I am not going to Hell because I have not been celibate since my divorce. I know of plenty of "preacher's daughters" who live as I do, I'm just not afraid to talk about it if I can help someone else. Also, slutty is a pretty harsh word. I would appreciate if people would stop saying that to my mom about me. It's a bit rude. Isn't he who is without sin supposed to throw the first stone? I'm bad at catch, but let's play.

"Did you start your blog because you saw Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?"-No, I had my blog before that show came out, but there are remarkable similarities! 

"We have been praying for Heather in our prayer group"- Thank you. I truly appreciate those who are genuine and who would like me to be happy and healthy. However, those who generally say this are saying that they are praying that I would find my way back to God and turn from my evil, bitter, church destroying ways. You may stop doing that and find something more productive to do, like support your family. A much more effective way would probably be to speak to me directly, which none of those people have done. Again, my blog has never been about how I turned away from God. It has been how I escaped and overcame abuse and false teachings and got myself a normal life.

"Why don't you put ads in your blog and make some extra money?"- This is something I could do, but does not interest me. I am in no way rich, but I work 4 jobs and I get by. I write this because I truly enjoy it, and I hope that is why you read it. I would not want to bombard you with ads. If you feel that I should be making more money, email me. I will gladly meet up for lunch and accept your donations.

"Not going to read the comments but will interject that I believe in the power of prayer and of the Lord's healing on all things. Whether or not you still believe is up to you. I would also like to add that while I enjoy a fair amount of sarcasm and light hearted humor, I do not appreciate scoffing at people who actually care for you and do indeed pray for you with love and concern. Pleasing the Lord , not 'man' as it were." -This was posted on my Facebook wall in response to a photo I posted. It was of the prayer list at my parents' church saying "Heather Harvey: fainting, diagnosis, grace". My status was "My mother is at church and sent me a picture of the prayer bulletin. My father put me in it, which of course means it is inaccurate. I will translate: Heather Harvey: fainting, diagnosis (we may or may not know that her fainting was caused by catastrophic lady times, but we don't talk about those things. Also, because the seizures were caused by a head injury and not a demon possessing her, we reject this actual information.) Grace (This means she is not currently under a man's authority and  enjoys being bitchy to some of our members)" There had been several comments about the intention of the way it was written and I had thanked those who were genuinely praying for me. The pastor had told my mother he was putting me in the bulletin, but when she attempted to give him the correct information, he ignored her. This is what aggravated me. When I attempted to respond to the comment that was made by the church member, I realized that she had unfriended me. I find it immature to state that you are choosing to be on the side of ignorance and not read all that was written (if she had, she probably would have taken a different stance), but instead she decided to extrapolate her own opinions and assumptions, and remove herself from seeing any type of polite explanation. She is the same person who tells my mother she is sorry that I have strayed.

"If you are happy with your choices, why do you cry so much?"-You try having triple the estrogen that your body should have and tell me how easy it is not to cry about a commercial with a neglected pigeon as the main character! 

"Why are you trying to get people to leave the church?"- I'm not. Well, I would like my sister to leave, but other than that, you are adults. Do whatever you want. This blog is not about telling you how to live, it is about how I was tired of living. I have been blamed for one family leaving the church after talking to me. They did leave, but they had been vacillating on that choice for quite a while. After they contacted me and I told them what had happened to me and my family, they decided it was best for the safety of their children if they did not return.
Last week I met with a woman who had recently joined the church with her family. She had read what I wrote about my mom and had questions for me about why I left. I did not discourage her from attending, but I answered her questions honestly from experiences that I've had. I am not out to destroy anyone's world. I am here to encourage you to take stock of your own and make sure that you really are where you should be.

"When you were in the hospital, were those rails left on your floor perhaps from a previous patient?"- No. They were brought in the room for me, I was told I needed them on my bed to keep me from falling, and they were never put on the bed. Update: that awful nurse no longer works at that hospital. 

"Why must you talk about vaginas so much?"- Because I think they are underrated and they all deserve to be happy and treated nicely. Half the world has them, most find them inconvenient. Why not find any product out there that can make your day with a vagina better?!? If I can help you in that process, I'm going to!

"Why do you think it's ok to put so much of your personal life on the internet?"- Because it is ok. I am careful not to put anything that is untrue. I am careful with my choice of words, and each post takes me several hours. I have had many, many of my old homeschooled friends contact me and say they are so happy I have not been afraid to talk about all of this openly, because they thought they were the only ones who went through these things. I'm not perfect at all. I don't have my life together or have all the answers. But I am happy. I know that I left a life behind and I would never go back. I have helped my friends break out as well, and they have gone through many of the same struggles as I have. I have a very supportive, encouraging family (for the most part), and the ones who don't support me don't need to. I will continue to be me.

If I can clear up anything for you, or you would like to chat, my email is daheaddas88@gmail.com