Submissive Wife, Feminist Husband

How I'm learning to live without the umbrella

   If anyone spends more than 40 seconds in ATI, they will hear about the infamous "Umbrella of Authority".  For those who need a quick review, it is an example of how the chain of command ought to be carried out in a Christian home. Christ being the ultimate authority, then the husband, then the wife, and the children and menial tasks fall under the wife. Here is a picture from one of the ATI websites, for those of you who enjoy visuals.

    This is the image we all had drilled into our brains from day one. As kids we learned "The Umbrella Song", which I can still sing to you. Obviously we never questioned the umbrella. Not until recently when Dreamy Eyes and I were having yet another discussion about me not needing to ask his permission to buy cookies did he point out just how ridiculous the umbrella diagram is. Why do you need three umbrellas? If there are no holes in the Christ umbrella (which there wouldn't be because His is perfect and without sin, obviously) how is rain falling around the husband umbrella? Then more rain is falling around the wife umbrella, which they sometimes explain to mean that the husband has some holes in his umbrella caused by sin or not being right with God, but usually this is still the fault of the wife. Maybe her umbrella poked holes in his? It's never really clear. But I digress...

   The ultimate compliment a man can receive in ATI is that he has a wonderfully submissive wife and family. The men decide who can befriend their wife, what she wears, how she teaches the children, and even what she eats. Saying a woman is a feminist is actually a pretty strong insult to her. It means that she is defying her husband and Lord, and is for sure on a path to damnation. One of my friends told me a few years ago that I was a feminist and I instinctively apologized for offending her. Getting this cult out of my head takes a LONG time! You never know how many areas they have affected until you stumble upon one. Even though I've been living "in" the world for most of my adult life and my mother knows that women can be anything these days, it still takes a while to stick. 

    I have had the same conversation no fewer than seven times with my mother about Dreamy Eyes', and now MY friend, Alicia. It always goes something like this:

Me: "Remember Alicia?"

Mom: "Joe's friend?"

"Yes"

"The lesbian?"

"No. She's straight."

"The one with the red hair? Who went to school with Joe?"

"Yeah. Her. Not a lesbian."

"Didn't she used to live with Joe?"

"Yes."

"But I thought they never dated."

"They didn't."

"And she's straight??" (It sometimes comes as a shock to more than just myself that some women have the ability to resist his charm)

"Yes. She's not a lesbian, just a strong, independent feminist." 

"Wow. I didn't know those existed. Well, I guess all Kleenex are tissues but not all tissues are Kleenex." 

Alicia now has a boyfriend, but the conversation still takes place. 

     I have a poster hanging in the girls' nursery that says things like "Act like a lady, play dress up, dance in the rain, etc" Dreamy Eyes wants it to say "Act like Alicia, play with Alicia, dance like Alicia." and I agree. No one is perfect, she has had just as many struggles as I have, but she knows how to fight for herself and what she needs, and is a wonderful role model for our daughters. She also writes a blog. It lives here. She inspired me to start mine (no, she will not apologize to you for that).

 I want to raise ladies who can think for themselves, with educations, and independent views. I want to raise ladies who know how to take care of a house, but not for the sole purpose of maintaining their husband's orderly domain. I would teach the same thing to boys if I had them. 

    Looking back to where I was just a few years ago makes me cringe. My mother told me recently that she got a social media friend request from a lady in her church, with whom she thought she was already "friends". The lady told my mother that yes, they were friends before online, but that was the page she shared with her husband. She was allowed to post things to their page, but she said that she ran into trouble when a man commented on an article she posted and she wanted to respond, but she couldn't usurp the man's authority or opinion on the matter, and her husband was too busy to respond for her, so her husband allowed her to make her "very own" social media page where she would only contact women and would be free to have discussions without fear of stepping out from under her umbrella of authority. Needless to say he monitors her page as well. To me, this is absolutely insane. To my mother, it's silly but she understands. The only reason she had her own page for so long was because she hid it from my father. To many in the church, this is completely reasonable. This isn't something that is happening in some third world country. This is "normal", acceptable, oppressive behavior right next door! (Hi, Liz!) 

     I am stuck somewhere in the middle of Alicia and my mom's friend. Maybe stuck is the wrong word. I am happy where I am. I feel like I currently have a nice balance of at home wife and mommy time but I still work and have my own life. But the cult brain still sneaks up on me and makes me feel like a failure. We moved to a new apartment and no longer have a dishwasher. I said that this was frustrating because when I hand wash dishes they are always greasy. I used to wash dishes at my grandmother's house, but she redid them when she thought I wasn't looking. Instead of telling me what an idiot I am, Dreamy Eyes looked up a youtube channel that has all sorts of simple domestic tasks and explains the best ways to do them, and bought me cute rubber gloves and dish cloths. No one ever told me you needed hot water to wash dishes! You can imagine how long I cried over my inability to keep my husband happy if I couldn't give him a tidy place to live! What other wife tasks am I doing incorrectly?! He told me to stop worrying about it, but I still do, so I'm clearly failing at the whole obedience portion. 

     I looked up on ATI's website how to be a good wife. Some of the instructions include: 

"Practice self-control, especially in the area of diet.

God is concerned about the bondage of overeating and gluttony, and many wives struggle with the issue of self-control, especially after giving birth to children. Weight control requires consistent conformity to God’s principles of living.

Let God and your husband know you care about your weight. Ask your husband to help you identify and remove hindrances to weight control, such as unhealthy foods, poor meal schedules, medical problems, or bitterness. Work together to accomplish specific goals. Your efforts to stay healthy and physically fit will bless your husband.

Stay beautiful for your husband.

In addition to nurturing a meek and quiet spirit inwardly, a wife should strive to maintain her outward beauty as well. A wife should dress to please her husband. She should have a joyful countenance and select clothing that draws attention to it. A wife should always be well groomed."

   Now, I am all for looking nice and I like getting dressed up, and when he wears his "I'm a grown-up starter kit" suit. I like when he tells me I look nice today. But the above way of thinking still haunts me. I told him I will cut my calories a bunch after I wean the girls and his response is always "You know I don't care, right?". Same response when I am frantically remorseful for not shaving my legs for two weeks. He had no idea what I was talking about when I was upset that since we have babies who grab everything I have pretty much stopped wearing earrings or necklaces, and my hair is usually up. Not to mention that between my tears and baby kisses there is no point in trying make up. I was lamenting the fact that I have limited options to use to enhance my countenance. He responded with his usual "What??" and I explained that ATI suggests that you use at least seven ways or accessories to enhance your countenance every day. He said that sounds an awful lot like pieces of flair needed in Office Space. Another way to drive the point home that ATI's standards are ridiculous and just made up for the amusement of some silly man. 

Another portion of how to be a good wife tells us: 

"Enjoy the privilege of physical intimacy.

God grants spouses full access to each other’s bodies for sexual gratification. “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other . . .” (I Corinthians 7:3-5; see also Ephesians 5:24 and Colossians 3:17-19). Resistance or indifference to your husband’s need for physical intimacy is the unspoken crushing of his spirit."

We are however told that it is okay to deny our husbands IF we have a doctor's note. ATI teaches nothing of respect for your wife. Teaching men that they own their wife's body should make every parent about to sign up for this home "school" program turn and run. What guy in his right mind is fine with his wife being miserable as long as he gets off? Are there ATI men rushing home to have ambivalent sex at best? Spouse rape is very prevalent in ATI, but it's not, because they just stopped believing that was a thing.  

      My father still takes the umbrella concept very seriously. All wives should answer to their husbands and the husband should not be usurped. Sometimes this works in my advantage. Once married, a woman's father is no longer her authority but moves to "the chain of counsel". In a few days I am going out of State with my parents. I do not allow my father to drive my girls, but he is never the passenger in a vehicle. However, since the girls' and my "authority" said that I need to drive, my father is not allowed to usurp that. So, he got Gotharded. It's like getting lawyered, but without any grasp on reality. 

    It scares me that I am still trying to work all of this out of my brain. The other day my father told me "You're 28. You got married and moved away. Just get over it."
That's not how cults work, and not how being brainwashed works. I worry what I'm subconsciously teaching my girls that is left over from years of ATI madness. I am SO grateful that Dreamy Eyes is such a strong advocate for feminism and I am excited to watch him raise daughters. He has a great balance down of wanting women to be empowered, yet still wanting me to walk on the inside of the sidewalk because it's safer.

I may be out from under the umbrella, but I do enjoy a parasol now and then.