I, along with many of you, watched as Josh Duggar began his courtship with Anna. This was a fairly standard process for ATI students, but to America, it was strange. They made it known that they had been saving their first kiss for marriage. Jim Bob and Michelle would say in their interviews that they had given in to temptation, and had not brought glory to God with their bodies when they were dating, so they trained their children to pursue courtship. In ATI, dating is not allowed. We were taught that dating leads to divorce because you are allowed to give in to any desires of the flesh you choose. There are no boundaries and no consequences for violating those boundaries (a prom night baby was not viewed as a consequence. All pregnancies are a blessing and although this would bring shame to the high schoolers' families and probably mean that the mother could not go to college, but women shouldn't go to college anyway and this would keep one more woman in the kitchen where she belongs...hence, blessing).
Courtship involves very little input on the woman's side. When a young man feels that God is speaking to him about the young lady who should be his "help meet" (aka his downstairs gets tingly when this lady walks by) the young man is then to go to his father and have his father pray about the matter to see if God also tells the father that this young lady should bear his future generations. Once God has cleared this with these two, the young man should go to the father of the young lady. Her father then must pray about the matter and determine if his daughter is prepared for marriage, and if this young man will be the authority figure that she needs. If she is strong willed and has yet to be broken, then either she is not ready for marriage, or the young man will need to have a will that is stronger than hers in order to maintain the proper chain of command in the household at all times, never giving rule over to a woman. The young lady's father may or may not decide to alert his wife to the current prayer closet happenings. This is really an individual choice, depending on how submissive your wife is. If there is a chance that your wife will alert your daughter of the plans for her future, your wife should probably learn her place and be kept in the dark on this for a while longer. After all of this praying about this young lady takes place, her father will go to her and
When I was growing up my father would always tell people that when a boy liked me, "the lad" would have to go through a process before he got to me. 1. Order a pizza and have it sent to my father. (who knew that girls on tinder would catch on to my father's courtship strategy) 2. The lad could bring my father the pizza, then leave. 3. The lad could bring my father a pizza, have a slice, but eat his on the porch. 4. The lad could bring a pizza and eat it inside with my father. Then, and only then would the lad be allowed to discuss my future. Sadly for my father, my level of affection for the Domino's guy varies by how tubby I feel that day vs. how badly I want cheesy bread.
My father was terribly disappointed when instead of a quiet, submissive daughter, he got a strong willed girl who makes her own choices. I did not follow the ATI laws of courtship. I dated a couple of guys and didn't bring it up to my father. When I was 22 I got engaged. I had not told my father I was seeing this guy until there was a ring on my finger. When I brought my then fiance over to my parents' house, my father did not ask him how much he loved me. He did not ask about goals for our careers. He did not ask how well I would be treated. He asked the lad "Are you going to be able to support Heather and your family on just your income when she finally comes around and makes the right choice to quit her job to stay home and home school your children?" and "Heather is pretty set in her ideas. Are you prepared to be the head of the household and be the proper authority that she needs?" I was livid, but my then fiance gave the correct answers that I could do whatever I wanted and it was not his choice if I worked or not, but mine. He told my father that he was not going to be my authority. This severely disappointed my father, but I was a lost cause and he had another daughter he could try to brainwash.
Josh and Anna had their courtship in front of America. We watched as they shared their first kiss after a courtship of nothing but purity and side-hugs. Now that it has come out that Josh has molested 5 young girls, including his sisters, my facebook and inbox are filled every day asking what I think about the situation and if I am shocked. Many of you have posted articles on my facebook page that have also brought to light the cult that ATI is. While this is a topic that floods the magazine racks right now, for those of us who grew up in this world, it didn't phase us one bit.
When you live in a world with such strict and legalistic rules, you learn where the loopholes are. Purity is constantly emphasized and held on a pedestal. Purity is always more of a girl's responsibility than a boy's. In the pamphlet I have for the ATI conference in 1998 it lists the dress code for the "apprenticeship students" (ages 15-18). Ladies should wear modestly fitting blouses with sleeves covering the upper arm. Necklines must be no more than 3 finger-widths from the clavicle. No material may be see-through. Skirts should not be form-fitting and should hang below the knee. Shoes must have closed-toes and heels may be no more than 2". Ladies must dress in a way that would bring attention to their countenance and would not defraud our young men. Young men should wear khaki or navy blue slacks and a collared shirt with a tie. What? aren't we going to mention that some guys look really nice in khakis while they are repelling? We needn't worry about defrauding the ladies since women don't have sex drives? No need to mention that after a long day of prayer and fasting the guys shouldn't loosen their tie by doing that little wiggle move back and forth that might make a lady think about some other uses for that tie? But I digress...
We were always told that once we lost our purity, the light in our eyes would go out and everyone would instantly be able to tell that we had given in to temptation. Girls losing their purity was always a bigger deal than if a boy lost his. If a girl wasn't a virgin, she would need to pray daily that a good Christian man would find enough of God's grace to accept her as the damaged "chewed up and spit out candy bar" that she was and still be willing to marry her. If a boy was not a virgin, this was still not great, but he would just need to confess his transgression to his father and his future wife, as Josh did, and expect them to understand that clearly he had been defrauded by the girl and this was not something for which he should be held accountable. Forgiveness comes pretty easy to dudes in ATI.
ATI couples tend to marry very young for several reasons. One is to maximize the woman's fertile years so that she can produce as many children as possible. Another is so that the men will have an appropriate outlet for their sexual needs. Once married, the man owns the wife. "A servant's mind-set is what God is looking for in marriage. This is clearly explained in Ephesians 5:21-33"-Bill Gothard, HSC report, Sept. 1997. The man will no longer be distracted from God's plan for his life seeing as he has a women upon whom he can release all of his desires, whether she is on board or not. If she is not on board with his bedroom plans, she needs to get right with her Lord. Many of the ATI kids managed to get into relationships in the teens years, mostly behind our parents' backs. As with many teen relationships, the girl feels pressured to put out or else the boy will stray and find a girl who will. In ATI, putting out is not really an option, so loopholes were found. Many ATI girls lost their anal virginity long before their vaginal virginity, because this would still technically keep them pure. Or the girls would practice kissing each other, because we had only vowed not to kiss boys, and the Bible really only warned against dude sodomy. Josh and Anna were able to stand on their marriage altar in front of a nation and say that they were each having their first kiss. This is the same type of loophole. If marriage vows were sealed with some groping or over-the-panties fondling, Josh would not have been looked so pure.
As I wrote about in my post about the training center in Oklahoma, many ATI girls were molested and raped by their brothers. When they would talk about the molestation that occurred in their homes, none of them spoke of being angry at their brothers or thinking that their homes were unsafe places. Each and every one of them blamed themselves and would pray for forgiveness for acting or dressing in a way that defrauded their brother and caused him to give in to temptation. They would pray that one day a man would still be able to love a wretch such as them even tough they were no longer pure for him. I would tell them how horrible this was and try to make them see that this was not their fault, but I was always told that I just didn't understand because I only had a sister. Our ATI photo looks very different from most others. We never had to use a wide angle lens or be shot outside because we didn't fit in a studio.
Not all of my ATI friends were molested by their brothers, but any number other than zero is unacceptable. I was told that most of the girls saw this as a normal part of puberty for their brothers. Some of my ATI friends may have been spared due to the fact that they are a decade older than their brothers and therefore much less vulnerable. I had always wanted a brother when I was growing up. When I heard of these stories I became very grateful that I only had a sister.
As with spousal abuse, ATI teaches that one must go through the proper channels of authority once a case of abuse is reported. Bill Gothard writes "I teach that a wife should report abuse to her father and father-in-law. If the husband does not listen to these men, they should take the matter to the church. If the husband refuses to listen to the church, the matter should be brought to the proper government authorities. Before this procedure is followed, however, we emphasize that a wife must have "...a conscience void of offence toward God and toward man" (Acts 25:16)" So, if the wife (or in the Duggar case, sister) has done anything that could have possibly made her deserving of said abuse, such as wearing a defrauding article of clothing, or uncontrollably growing breasts, this needs not to be brought to the attention of the police because she deserved it.
Each article I have read confirms that the Duggars did not stray from Bill Gothard's teachings on how to handle abuse. America appears shocked that Jim Bob and Michelle would cover up such acts, especially when they also occurred with a child who was not from their loins, but honestly, this is exactly what the Duggars and every other ATI family has had taught to them over and over for years. It appears that Josh also confessed his acts to Anna and her father before they were married, and Anna commends Josh for being honest and for humbling himself before God by confessing his sin. I in NO way feel that the way the Duggars handled the matter was appropriate, I am merely not slightly surprised. Many have accused Jim Bob and Michelle of neglect due to having more children than average parents could care for adequately, and I feel that is subjective. However, knowingly allowing your daughters and other girls to stay in the same home and sleeping areas as a teen who has reported sexual molestation is pure child abuse.
I know that my post tonight mirrors that of dozens, if not hopefully hundreds of women who, like myself, have overcome and escaped the abusive brainwashing of ATI's cult. I am elated that so many women are getting the courage to speak out about what really happens. Bill Gothard had recently been removed as the leader of ATI after he was charged with molesting dozens of young women himself. The thing that still bothers me though is that I have yet to read an article or post written by an ATI-raised man. What have the guys taken away from all of this? I have a few dear male friends who were raised in ATI who still speak to me. Did they know their friends were molesting their sisters? How did they feel about all of the purity guilt piled upon all of us? I have fought all this time to be a voice for the women, and I will never stop, but for once I want to hear from the guys. Did they feel just as victimized, or did they feel empowered because women were inferior? Were the boys molested also and no one dares mention that? I encourage all of the ATI kids, now adults to keep on writing. Keep on telling our stories and continue to expose this terrible brainwashing that is so well hidden behind seemingly perfect smiles.
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