Gavin! I said "NO!"

30 years. That's how long it took me to understand that I, and only I, am in control of my body. Sure, I knew that could I move my limbs at will and I could override my autonomic nervous system by breathing at a different rate, but I never really understood that it wasn't up to anyone else to decide what happens to MY body. 

Let me note: there are situations where evil people override your will and commit despicable acts in order to harm you or fulfill their own selfish desires. Those situations will never, say it with me, NEVER be your fault! It is NEVER your fault that someone touched you in an uninvited manor just because you agreed to a date, or even to take off your pants near them. If you said no, or even didn't say yes, that's on THEM. No matter how you spin it, you have never deserved to be harmed. 

The Advanced Training Institute (ATI) produced the curriculum my family used for homeschooling. One of their standard means of counseling was to brainwash us into believing that God let this happen to us for a reason.  Let's take a look...

Steps 1 thru 5 are entirely about blaming the victim, which I now know is only something done by assholes. 

God did not let someone rape you because you played volleyball in shorts instead of culottes (a lesson I didn't learn until adulthood and some very unfortunate culotte donning years). 

I would like to zone in on "Being with evil friends". Um, obviously. ALL SEXUAL ABUSE IS EVIL. But still, NOT your fault. Those "friends" decided to abuse you against your will. 

It's not until we get to step 6 that we even get CLOSE to being on track. And even then, it says "if". IF!!! IF I haven't mentioned this before, THE ABUSED IS NEVER AT FAULT. 

But not to worry! You may have been abused, but look how super spiritual you get to be now! 

And really, let's be honest, as step 8 points out to us;  if you could go back and do it alllll over, isn't it way cooler to have been completely and utterly traumatized for the rest of your life but be the most Spiritual person on the block? Thought so. 

After this brief look into the teachings of my childhood, you may begin to fathom why it took me 30 years to figure out that victim blaming is crap. Not only did I need to stop feeling like a victim, I needed to start being my own heroine. 

On one of the nights when I was working I had the choice of which of those role I would decide to take. I was going about my job and using both hands to hold my patent's dislocated shoulder in place. A nurse who had been having no interaction with me over patient care, nor who in the past has ever been a friend nor an enemy, came up behind me and tickled my waist with both of his hands. I froze. I was instantly transported back to a vivid swirl of nauseating childhood memories and I wanted to puke. He was laughing at the fact that he had surprised me, and I did manage to mention that had I not been holding an arm, I would have instinctively punched him. He laughed and walked away. A few minutes later he came back to explain to me why what he had done was so hilarious. I responded with the choice to be the heroine I had needed so many years ago. I told him that it is NEVER acceptable to tickle me, ever, regardless of the humor he may find in the situation. I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me again, I would be going to his supervisor. I'm pretty certain that the man is not out to harm anyone, but is more on the side of absolutely clueless when it comes to socially acceptable behavior. Still. He then cupped his hand around my shoulder in attempts to de-escalate the situation. Not his best judgement call. I took a blatantly large step away from him and reminded him that he had touched me again only seconds after being told that I did not want to be touched. So he offered me some gum. Some guys are evil, but others are just plain idiots. Idiots need to be educated. 

I did talk to his supervisor. I did so calmly and rationally. As a general rule, unless it's an emergency, I don't respond nor report an offense for about 24 hours. I give myself time to breathe and go about things the best way I know how. I told her that I didn't want to get him in trouble. I don't feel threatened, but I do think that tickling outside of a healthy and consenting relationship is inappropriate and should be noted. 

When I'm at work my mom watches my twin girls. They are 2. My mom teaches a pottery class and brought them with her during one of my shifts. My mom told me that one of the kids was playing with my daughter, Abby, and tickled her leg with a paintbrush. My mom said that Abby told the 10 year old boy "No tickle Abby". I'll note that we do tickle the girls and they are allowed to tickle as long as it, or any behavior is stopped immediately when they are told "no".  My mom told me that the boy continued to tickle Abby with the brush and Abby then forcefully told him "Gavin! I said 'NO!'" 

I hope that she never loses that. I hope that she never stops being her own heroine. What took me 30 years only took my daughter 2.