Toothpaste and top sheets

I am very particular in how I do most things. I have very strong feeling about (not towards) a more than healthy amount of inanimate objects, for which I blame my 5 year old self and my love of Beauty and the Beast. I hate sleeping with the open ends of the pillow cases towards the middle of the bed. I will re-fold clothes if I don't like how someone else did them, and I have plates and cups that I like WAY more than other ones. Over the last year and a half or so, Joe, my boyfriend, (for the sake of brevity) has been seeing these many habits that I have, and for the most part, has adapted around them. Joe usually makes sure that the spoon I like is clean and he eats off the ones with the stupid giant handles. He knows that I like to drink wine out of the curved top wine glass more than I like it out of the glass that looks like its top was cut off, that everything else tastes better out of my princess mug that his mother sent me, and that although I feel an unnecessary amount of guilt about it, I like the brand name saltine crackers in my chicken noodle soup so much more than the store brand crackers, and he keeps his kitchen stocked with the things I like at all times. He even purposely got the brand name crackers in the "stay fresh packs" that are half the size of the normal ones, and provide me with exactly the right amount of soup-to-cracker ratio. After just re-reading that sentence I realize that many of you (Joe included) will think that is a ridiculous thing to be excited about. But I am! To me that is just as special and made me just as happy as if he had given me his kidney. Provided that I needed a kidney, and that he was a match to donate one to me. Otherwise, I would still be grateful, but probably not as excited about his choice of gift.

Even with how particular I am about most things, if I don't have some odd, strong feeling about something, I rarely even think about it. I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle. I understand that this is a point of contention in many homes, but it's just something I don't think about. Joe likes to squeeze from the end and asked me several times to stop squeezing it from the middle. When it starts to become empty I push the toothpaste towards the cap, but sometimes when I'm in a hurry, I forget. One night I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle and then handed the tube to Joe so that he could use it. He told me that I was no longer allowed to put a top sheet on his bed until I learned to squeeze the toothpaste the correct way. Now, this may seem like a ridiculous punishment, but for me, this was very upsetting. I don't know how anyone could sleep with just a fitted sheet and not put the top sheet with it. I also don't like having just a comforter over me and nothing tucked in at the bottom of the bed. If Joe makes his bed, he just leaves out the top sheet and I would always re-make the bed "the right way". I didn't argue and accepted my sentence of having no more top sheet until I proved that I respected his toothpaste squeezing preferences. It never even crossed my mind that he was kidding.

Throughout my entire life I had been taught that men had rule and authority over women. Pastors, who were always male, had authority over the church, which was a symbol of Christ and His bride. Husbands had authority over their wives. Ephesians 5:22-25 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto The Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." Very often during the quoting of this, the loving part is omitted. Women are taught to obey men without question. Children are to obey their parents, as is true in most cultures and is part of growing up, but are taught never to ask why. My father has told me and my sister countless times "Obey first, understand later." That is all well and good to teach a child obedience because in some cases, it could save their lives. If more adults would learn to obey the proper authorities, everyone's lives would be much easier...for the most part. Working as a paramedic, I am used to life or death situations being part of daily life. I work closely with police and firefighters who also share that. I know though that not everyone is going to obey, and that is natural. Even the Bible says that everyone was born with a sin nature. I do not feel that we should obey blindly though. We should be able to know why we are doing what we are doing. Obeying a command not to run out into the street is different than obeying a command to sit in the back of a bus.

I remember going to a conference at what I refer to as "the mothership" church in Hammond, IN, when I was a teenager. My parents attend a church not far from their home. The pastor there came from the Bible college that was started by this mega-church, a.k.a the mothership. My parents' pastor, in my eyes, is one of the hundreds of "cookie-cutter pastors" that this mega-church produces (for clarification: ATI is the homeschool group in which I was raised. The church my parents attend, and the afore mentioned mothership are entirely two different things). At one of the sessions at this conference that was only for women, the pastor's wife was teaching about how women should always obey anything their husband told them to do, and never, ever to question him, because what he was asking was clearly God's will. You were however allowed to question your husband if he went against the Bible or if what he wanted was illegal, and in that case, he was obviously being tempted and lied to by the devil. If your husband IS being tempted by the devil, this is still your fault as the wife. Don't think that you are off the hook just because your husband asked you to steal a car, not even close! Now you have more to worry about because YOU were allowing sin to be brought into the home and into your husband's life by not doing everything in your power to make sure that your husband was happy and free from distractions so that he could understand what God wanted! They do not cover this heavy stuff in Better homes and gardens!
If your husband asked you to do anything for him sexually, you were not allowed to say no. Rape was not something that existed in a marriage. It doesn't matter if you have a headache, a long day, or had gotten only an hour of sleep from being up all night with the baby. Part of your job as a wife was to satisfy your husband. If you were uncomfortable with an act that your husband wanted preformed, or if your husband didn't like period sex, woman, you had better get on your knees! (See, even cults teach you double entendres!) If your husband cheated on you, you must not have been meeting all of his needs. Everything was the fault of the wife and her disobedience, just like Eve. Husbands are told to love their wives, and why would you force someone to do anything they didn't feel comfortable doing, just for your own selfish pleasures?

I knew that what she was teaching was wrong, but things like that are still deeply rooted in my head. As I first ventured out into the world I was very good with authority and always had a fantastic work relationship with my bosses. I was great at being told what to do. As I mentioned, I am now a paramedic. As a paramedic, I have the highest level of medical care on an emergency scene. I love my job, I love being the one who makes the tough calls and the one who can stay (mostly) calm when someone is having the worst day of their lives. Being the highest level of care and sometimes command does not come naturally to me. Gender stereotypes are still very present in the world today no matter how much we think we have overcome them. Almost every time I arrive on a scene for a 911 call, whether for a stomach ache, a car crash, or a cardiac arrest, the natural instinct of most people is to tell the large, masculine firefighters what is wrong and to ignore the small woman with the medications which will probably help you. If I am working with a male EMT partner, people naturally tell him what their problem is. Unless I arrive on a scene with only my regular partner, who is a female smaller than myself, 9 out of 10 times I have to redirect attention and establish that I am in fact the one who is in charge of making the decisions.
Joe is also a paramedic for the same city and he was unaware that this was even a problem. Just a few weeks ago my female partner and I were at a very chaotic scene where family members were climbing onto the patient and not allowing us to work. I had asked them several times to step back, but my efforts were futile. Joe had been sent to the scene as well, and as soon as he asked the family to step back, they obeyed and Joe noticed no issue with them. while grateful that I was able to work on my patient, I also felt a twinge of jealousy for his broad, masculine shoulders, extra 9" of height, and commanding presence. I in no way feel that being a small female prevents me from being an effective paramedic, in many cases it is even helpful. I can crawl through small spaces, or win the trust of a woman or a child a bit faster, but every now and then being a "half sized medic" has more challenges than I would like. I have spent the last 10 years working to break myself out of that habit and not questioning the commands I give. For the most part, everyone works very well together. My male partners are amazing at helping to direct the decisions to me. Once in a while though, my orders are questioned, or even ignored. I have to fight an almost paralyzing fear with all that I have to stand up for myself and give an order to a man, let alone contradict him!

For weeks I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle. Sometimes I would forget but quickly go back and fix it because I didn't want to endure any more nights longing for the beloved top sheet. Joe had apparently forgotten as quickly as he had made the joke. I had not. Joe's subconscious tends to want those around him to be warm. Sleeping next to him without a top sheet is stressful for me. If I push the comforter off of myself, sleeping Joe instantly springs into action and covers me again, securing the cover with his legs and arms. If I elect to sleep on top of the cover, I get too cold. Night after night I longed for the top sheet, but I didn't mention it because I didn't want to risk losing it for longer. Joe has never given me a reason to think that he is the monster that my brain had created, but once you are brainwashed into submissiveness to men, it takes a lot to retrain your way of thinking. The other night I was being snarky and I purposely squeezed the toothpaste in the middle, right in front of Joe. I quickly fixed it. He laughed and said that I could put the top sheet back on his bed. I was elated. I gave him the biggest hug and ran to make the bed. It wasn't until then that he realized I had taken him seriously. He couldn't fathom that I had actually spent all these weeks of effort and worry because of a joke he had made. Poor Joe had to deal with the huge flood of emotions from all the past memories he stirred up, but he felt bad and gave me so many hugs and dried my tears.

He also decided that it was probably best just to ask me nicely to stop leaving the top off the shampoo in the shower.

Only the good die young, or: Only sluts have good stories

Growing up in church and in the homeschool group, The Advanced Training Institute (ATI), we had a lot of speakers who would come in and preach or speak to us about the horrible path they were on that brought them to church (men preach, women speak, but only to other women or children. Heaven forbid a woman teach a man anything. If a woman knows something a man does not,  God obviously did not intend for him to know it). They had been involved in drugs, alcohol, gangs, prostitution, or had been to prison. Of course, there were also the ones who had been saved from such things as rock music, short skits, and premarital sex.

They always had such grand stories (testimonies) about how God saved them from this terrible world they were in and how grateful they were to be saved from their wicked path to destruction.
The adults would tell us how blessed we were that we never were exposed to such sinful ways as these people had been. Of course I was very happy and proud of these people for having the strength to turn their lives around, but there was always a bit of jealousy and conflict that went along with these messages. They could get up and give their testimony of all they had seen and done and the trials they endured before eventually finding salvation. All we would say was something like "I was saved when I was 4. Then one time I told my mom I practiced my violin for 20 minutes, but I only practiced for 15. Then lying became too much for me to bear on my own, so I confessed my sin to my parents and I was forgiven." 

Instead of learning to love everyone, we learned to be judgmental and quite stuck up.

One of my girl friends asked me last week "Remember when we used to have to clean the make up stains off the school bathroom counters before we ran a seminar and then had to take time to pray for the sluts?"
That was something that happened all the time. If we saw a teenage couple kissing, or someone enjoying rock music, or smoking, etc. we were made to stop and pray for those "sinners" to turn from their ways and be more like us. We were to be good examples at all times. If we did something wrong, it could ruin our perfect testimony and cause someone not as strong as we were to fall into temptation, which is rude. It was strange to think that if I listened to Billy Joel, I could be responsible for an armed robbery!

If we knew of someone who had once been the ideal Christian but had been spotted at the movie theater or some other vile form of mass sinning, they were called a "backslider". Mostly under your breath (Back-biting was a sin that we committed often). The backsliders probably got a carbonated beverage when they were at the sin palace seeing a Disney movie containing things such as magic, and disobedient children. Next thing you know, they will be wearing open toe shoes and causing boys who wear their hats backwards to lust after them.

We all had to have a "life verse". All these awful sinners had cool life verses like Psalm 40:2 " He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings." 

They could relate to the prodigal son. We were stuck with life verses such as Psalm 37:23 

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way." When I went away to ATI's "college" we all had to memorize Psalm 37, and we were constantly reassured that we were better than all these "worldly" people. 

If I brought up Matthew 7:1 "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

Or John 13:34 "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." I was told I was taking it out of context and that I was not to befriend these people who would lead me down a sinful path, but that I would love them by praying for them and not allowing them to influence me. 

My grandmother shared in my dilemma. She hated to hear the story of the prodigal son because his wonderful brother was the good kid, he stayed home and worked for his father and always did the right thing, but the backslider son went off and did whatever he wanted and still got just as much as the good son.  I'm always reminded of this when I watch Christmas Vacation and Ruby Sue says "Sometimes I think all that Santa crap is just bull. If he was so real, how come we didn't get squat last year? We didn't do nothing wrong, and we still got the shaft." 

In our eyes, the only way to spice up our testimony was to start being like the bad kids. My friends and I bought a few Beatles CDs, learned the songs, then broke the CDs and brought them to church so we could lay them on the altar and be returned from our ways and once again be used by God. I don't think it works as well if you do it on purpose. Nobody fell for it and all we did was get yelled at more because we knew better.  The plan to keep us perfect young people had failed after making such a fuss over the wonderful transformation that happened in the "bad kids" lives and making us a giant disappointment if we strayed. I have found that no matter how much you shelter or protect your kids, they are going to get in to some kind of trouble. It's part of growing up. I've met public schooled 25 year old virgins, and pastor's kids who are cutters. 

As I grew up I realized that no one likes you for being a stuck up, self-righteous little snob, and praying for someone but not talking to them or being a part of their lives is not a way to love them. Now that I am out of that cult I have adopted some of the "ways of the world", and I don't feel that I am a terrible person for it. Some of my old friends who are still deeply rooted in that world I left behind are not allowed to talk to me, per their husbands. Most of my friends have either broken out on their own, or are working on it. We wear pants. We go to the movies. We listen to the music that plays in the grocery store. We still try not to murder people or deal drugs, but that is just good manners. 

Mom, where do babies come from?

I feel as if every kid has a bit of confusion about where babies come from. I am not special in that regard. Some of my friends went to school and learned things in health class. Some kids don't even think about it. Some kids have their parents make things up, such as the stork thing. My path to finding out how the whole process works would probably have been much easier if I had just asked, or read a book, but I have a bad habit of getting one piece of data, and then extrapolating the rest for myself. As you can guess, this went poorly for me.
Every parent screws up their kids. It's going to happen. It's not even their fault. I doubt my parents even remember telling me the most of these things, and were most likely just trying to get me to be quiet, but in my little child mind, I was not going to dismiss any of their very important answers to my questions.

3 year old me: "Why do people kiss at their wedding?"
My father: "Because when you kiss on the lips, that means you are married."
Me: "What about in movies?"
My father: "They put covers on their lips so they aren't really married."
That was enough to satisfy me for a while.

3 year old me: "How does the baby get out of the mommy's belly?"
My mother: "From the bigger hole, under the one where you pee."
I needed no further answers, I knew where that was. This did however cause years of anxiety for me. I was pretty much born to be a mom. All I've ever wanted from the time I can remember was that I wanted a baby. I had so many dolls and I would treat them like my children. I got them up and dressed each day, and put them to bed each night. I would also get up in the middle of the night to feed them because I heard that's what moms have to do. I was prepared. But there was a problem...I had a doll that was the actual size of a newborn. That thing had a big head! I knew there was no way that a head that size would fit out of where my mother had told me it came from! Terrified that my future baby would be trapped in my belly, I spent hours trying to "stretch" enough so that I could have a baby. My mother, as all mothers do, learned quickly that if your child is quiet, you should probably see what they are doing. I was discovered and told to stop that.
Me: "But I want to be able to have a baby!!!"
My mother: "You will. It will get bigger when you are ready to have a baby."
Oddly enough, that was enough to make me happy with life again and I stopped my toddler-self-mutilating process.

I had also overheard many conversations about "babies having babies", and in church we learned about Sarah having a baby after she was 90, so I had no real concept of what "childbearing age" was.
We used to hang out with this other family a bunch when I was small. We met when I was 5, and Sarah was 6. We both wanted to be midwives. Every time we were together we played that we were both pregnant and then would deliver each other's babies. We also had fake husbands, because you can't get pregnant if you aren't married!

When I was 5, we went to visit my mom's friend who had a 6 year old son, Jeremy. I had a HUGE crush on Jeremy. I have a strange fascination with all things Disney, and Jeremy looked just like Christopher Robin. To my 5 year old self, he was as attractive as a Rob Lowe look alike is to me today. Swoon. I was a bold kid, and I went after the things I wanted. I would kiss Jeremy on his forehead and his chin all the time. One day he said he thought I was pretty, and said that if I kissed his face one more time, he was going to kiss me on my lips. My little 5 year old mind was so torn! I wanted Jeremy to kiss me, but I had a problem...if we kiss on the lips, that means we are married...if we are married, I will get pregnant...I couldn't become pregnant because that hole hadn't grown yet so I wouldn't be able to get a baby out! I had to tell Jeremy that he shouldn't kiss me and I was sad about that for months. 

When I was 7 I found out that you don't have to be married to have a baby. 

Me: "If you aren't married, how do you know who the dad is?"

My mother: "It's the boy that spends the most time with you."

This caused some trouble. Sarah had a little brother, Jonathan. We also hung out with another family who had 2 sons, Francis and Kyle. Francis was the oldest and more responsible one, so I made sure to spend the most time with him, and not let Jonathan play with us if he was approaching an equal play time as Francis, because if I was going to have a baby, I wanted it to be with someone responsible. 

When I was 8, I learned from TV that you got pregnant from "sleeping with a guy". From then on out I was terrified to have a sleepover at my grandma's house if I knew my cousin, Steven was going to be there. One time he and I were watching a movie and we fell asleep. I was convinced that I was pregnant. I never got fat, so eventually I stopped worrying. 

When I was 10, my aunt and uncle were trying to have a baby. 

Me: "If you are already married, how do you try to have a baby?"

My mother: "You pray."

So I told my aunt that I was very excited about a new cousin, and not to worry, I would be helping them try! She was very confused. 

I knew that my other cousin, Lauren, and I had both been due to be born on 12/31/87. Neither of us were born that day, but if we had the same due date, our mothers must have become pregnant on the same day. Obviously they had attended some sort of prayer meeting in March of '87. 

I also hid all the aspirin in my aunt's house because my grandmother had said that my aunt wouldn't get pregnant if she would just squeeze an aspirin between her knees. 

One day when I was about 10 or 11, I had the courage to ask my mom about something I had yet to figure out. I had learned from TV that sex was something that went on when the guy stopped being annoying enough that the woman let him roll around naked with her for a while instead of attending to her very strict hand cream application regimen. I still did not relate sex to babies. I was nervous to ask my mother about this because I didn't want to make her feel bad. This whole sex thing seemed to be something that made grown-ups happy, and my father could be pretty annoying, so I figured this was not something that ever took place. If I had an embarrassing question, I would ask it when my mother was in a hurry. 

Me: "Hey, mom?...did you ever have sex?"

My mother: "Yes. How do you think you got here? Get dressed."

Mind. Blown. 

I had one friend, Liz, who I have known since we were 5. Liz went to school. She would know about this stuff. We discussed our newfound knowledge of how sex leads to babies. She went to catholic school, so neither of us had a good grasp on what exactly sex was, but we thought it was gross. After a while though we decided that eventually we would have to get naked with a boy if we ever wanted to have babies. This was terrifying and horribly disappointing. We had seen one naked boy in our lives, her younger brother, when he was 3 and we were 5, and I made him prove that he had taken off his bathing suit (you weren't allowed to get on the swings in a wet suit, you could slip off!). Whatever that thing was that boys have, it was weird and we weren't sure what to do with it, nor did we want one of those anywhere near us. 

When I was 12, I became very curious about how this whole baby thing actually worked. I found some medical books in the house and started reading. Finally! I had the whole process of how the sperm meets the egg, gets smushed together, grows a bunch of cells, lovely! I thought I had it down. Sleep naked in the same bed, kiss a little, somehow the sperm hikes it's way over and up into the lady and BOOM! Baby! 

It wasn't until I was 16 and started kind of seeing this guy, Brandon, who volunteered with me at the hospital that I actually found out the whole deal. All the guys thought it was weird how innocent and naive I was. Brandon was nice about it and never made me feel bad or embarrassed. He brought in one of his school books one day and explained everything to me. I was a little shocked when I learned that you have to put...that...there! 

We never did get to apply his lesson to real life, but I was very thankful to him for clearing up a lifetime of confusion that I had created for myself! 

Finally I could hang out with a boy without keeping track of how much time I spent with each one, I could kiss a boy on the lips, sleep over at my cousin's house, and use aspirin for headaches! 

The Virtuous Woman

I came from a world where women working outside the home was very frowned upon. The man was to be the provider for the family, and the woman was to keep the house and children clean and quiet, cooking meals, and basically making a sanctuary for the man after his long day of work. All women should strive to be like the Proverbs 31 woman, and it was required that all girls in ATI memorize Prov. 31:10-31 (which I can still recite) and be just like her. 

"10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth theLord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."

When I was small, my mother ran a wedding video business with my grandfather. She was able to film the weddings on the weekends, and be home with me the rest of the time while she was editing them and adding music. I "helped" with that for years. She did that until I was about 9 or 10. She also taught (and still teaches) pottery classes. Over the years growing up we had several "home industries", including a craft business making "Hairbow dolls", boo-boo bunnies, and tissue box covers. We also took in several sewing jobs for a company who sold "modest active wear" for women and girls. These were possibly some of the ugliest clothes I had ever seen and our living room had at least 3 sewing machines going at all times. There have also been sewing classes at my house and there is a pottery wheel in my mother's kitchen so she can throw pots at home and sell them. My father does not believe that women should work outside of the home, and does not "allow" my mother to get an outside job.

When I was 16 I started working in distribution/patient transport at the local hospital. I was unmarried, so I was allowed to work because I didn't have a husband who should be providing for me, and if I wanted a car and such, I had to pay for it. I 100% agree that I should have been made to buy my own car and pay for gas, insurance and things I wanted. If a woman IS going to work outside the home, there are limited options at Bible college in which women can major. They offered several majors, but not all are open to women. Teacher, nurse, secretary, nanny, or marriage and motherhood. Yes, that is an actual major at the college my best friend and I were about to attend. We both backed out a few months before going and got "worldly jobs" at a hospital and an ambulance company. Our pastor told me that we were not following God's will and that I should not become a paramedic, mostly because I would need to wear pants to work. 

When I was 22 I got engaged. I was working about 60-70 hours a week. My father asked my fiancé how he would respond "if Heather ever decided to make the right choice and quit her job and stay home with the children".  My father also asked him if he would allow me to work outside the home after we were married. He told my father that he would support me if I did choose to stay home with kids, but that he was not the one to say what I was or was not allowed to do. My father was not happy with this. 

I worked VERY hard to get where I am in my career. I am still looking to further myself, but I love being a paramedic. I am constantly seeking knowledge and I desire to learn why things work the way they do, and why I believe what I believe. How can I "open my mouth with wisdom" if I blindly follow anything I am told?

I don't see why we were taught that a woman who works and has children at home is not the ideal woman. The Prov. 31 woman has a job! She works her butt off! She goes outside her home and sells things. She buys property. It also appears that she has help (maidens) who perhaps attend to the children while she is working and pulling her fair share of the weight. 

So many families I have met are struggling with finances because "God told them" that the woman should stay home and raise the children. I have nothing but respect for stay at home moms. However, if you cannot provide for those kids, you staying at home does them no good. Being cuddled doesn't fill their bellies. God isn't going to bless you if you think you are following His will by taking on your role as a woman, when that role includes waiting for others to take care of you. Granted I don't agree with my mother not being allowed to work outside, but she still was able to find ways to make extra money to feed us, pay the rent, and she can fix anything. 

When my sister had her high school graduation party, several people from my parents' church attended. My sister was given gifts such as books about how to be a good wife and homemaker, and how to find a good husband. My mother had me talk to one of the women from church who was considering homeschooling her daughters, who were not yet school age. I told her my feelings on homeschooling and that I felt that I was very poorly prepared for college and for a career. She responded "Well that doesn't matter. They are girls, we don't have to be concerned with college or jobs for them. That is not what God designed them for".  I can't tell you how much this still infuriates me. 

I feel as if this Scripture about the virtuous woman is very often taken the wrong way and there is a lot of focus on the woman supporting her husband and caring for children. It does not say she was a baby factory, nor does it say that her husband makes her decisions for her. She seems pretty self sufficient to me!  

I am sure that if the people of ATI or that church talked to me today, I would not be considered the ideal, virtuous woman. I don't have a husband anymore. However, when I did, I did him no evil. He even admits that I am a damn nice ex-wife. 

I don't have children. I could have run a huge risk for my own health and made a very futile attempt to bring a severely disabled child into this world, but I did not. I can't raise a kid if I'm dead. But I want to have a zillion babies when the time is right. I love the children I babysit as if they were my own. I work 4 jobs and support myself. I volunteer and help the sick and injured. I sew and weave and (try to) cook. I just completed a spartan race which sure as hell required strong loins and arms! I don't care about beauty nor what is in style. I am happy with who I have become, and the choices I have made.

 I may not be what they consider to be the ideal woman in that world, but I'm never going back, the past is in the past! 

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How to translate the language of ATI

When I was 9, my family enrolled in a homeschool group (which I now feel is a cult, but we will get to that later). The group is the Advanced Training Institute, ATI. They provided our Bible based curriculums for the year and siblings of all ages were taught from the same "wisdom booklets", but at different levels. We would travel to Knoxville, TN every Summer to spend a week "being encouraged" by one another, learning what was new in the homeschool world, and the kids would "enjoy fellowship" with each other as this was the one week a year that most of us got to see our friends. There were several different religions in the ATI group. We were Baptists. The Baptist kids would fight with the Calvinist kids, although we weren't sure why. There were Mennonites, River Brethren, Amish, non-denominational Christians, etc. The one thing that everyone had in common was that we were sheltered and were not allowed to say anything that would "tear down someone's spirit". As we got to be teenagers, we figured out the language...

You are truly an empty vessel, ready to be used by God. = You bring nothing of value to this team, you've got to have some talent, right?

I am grateful that The Lord has brought you into my life so that I may learn to depend on Him. = I can't stand you and all I do I pray that I don't snap your neck when you're near me.

You are quite the energy giver! = Calm yourself!

You are being an energy taker= Could you possibly think of any more work you could make for me?

The Lord has certainly blessed you with a spirit of boldness and authority. = You are a bossy jerk.

From a guy: That outfit does a great job of enhancing your countenance! = Ugh! I wish you wouldn't button ALL the buttons on your baggy shirt!

How many siblings do you have? = I'm interested in you, but I know we can't be alone, so I would like to maximize our chaperone pool.

I will pray that The Lord shows you what the right choice is. = Clearly you won't listen to me, fine. Learn the hard way.

You have been such an attentive little girl today! = I want to see if your parents have taught you how to "deflect praise". If you answer "Thank you!", that is prideful. The correct response is "My parents have been very diligent in teaching me that it is important to show the worth of a person by giving them my undivided attention".

I was unable to get to my appointment on time because God had a bigger plan for my life and saved me from almost certain death = I had a flat tire.

She clearly has committed herself to guarding her heart and focusing all her attention on serving The Lord and not being distracted by the desires of the flesh.= Man, she clearly doesn't own a mirror.

Let's get there early so we don't have to sit in back with the LIT's = We are stuck up and don't want to associate with the "bad kids". (LIT's are leaders in training. You can't "curse someone", therefore the kids who rebel are called LIT's so it sounds positive, but you still know they are the guys who don't tuck in their shirts).

At the end of each seminar, we would all sign each other's books. Of course, girls and guys couldn't exchange numbers or emails, so a signed name just meant you didn't care. Listing your plans for the mission trips and upcoming seminars you were planning on attending and writing "Perhaps God will allow us to serve together again" meant = try to go on one of these trips so I can see you again!

You are a true example of a submissive woman = if my husband ever said that to me I would snap his neck.

I'm a lost pearl baby = I was born after my father got snipped and then mom wanted more kids.

She didn't feel The Lord leading her to blanket train = I can't believe that lady puts her child in a pack-n-play and didn't beat their child until he learned to stay only on a blanket on the floor! He will be an LIT for sure. 

As you wish= I am hitting on you with a line from the only "worldly movie" I think all ATI kids have seen. Although some missed the part with Billy Crystal because there was magic. 

Homeschool Heather's Halloween

As a child I was not allowed to celebrate Halloween. I was raised in a Born-again Christian home and went to a Baptist church not only every Sunday, but Sunday evening, Wednesday night Bible study, and any other time the doors were open. My family attended a few different churches over the years. My father would often find a problem with the one we were attending and make us leave because it was no longer holding to the "proper standards". We even did home church for a while. Home school, home church, dominos pizza...if peapod had been around back then I doubt I would have ever left the house. 

    Some of the churches I attended had "Harvest festivals" as if they were going to trick us into thinking that we weren't missing out on all of the costumes and fun that our "worldly" friends were having. I was always told that we don't celebrate Halloween, but I never had a reason other than "It is the devil's holiday".  I never really thought about it any further until I started seeing posts on my friend's facebooks about how they were offended by the celebrations and decorations and they would not allow their children to partake in demon practices. This inspired me to look into the meaning of the traditions of Halloween. I don't mind if someone doesn't want to celebrate or partake in an event. I am however bothered when people follow their "beliefs" blindly and do not know why they are doing and why. This is what I have taken away from my research thus far:
Halloween is basically a celebration of loved ones who have passed away. It was a time to celebrate and remember them.  I do not consider death a celebration of evil. Death is a natural part of life and I feel that children should be taught about the reality of death at an early age.  Nowhere in my search did I find anything that said traditions were there to celebrate Hell, sin, nor anything negative. 

-Many Christians will not allow their children to dress up for Halloween. The tradition of people wearing costumes came about so they are not recognized by the spirits or ghosts who are believed to roam the streets that night and they do not become inhabited by them. Some Christians have told me this is ridiculous and they do not believe in ghosts. Oh? Does the Bible not refer to a person's soul as the ghost? Does the Bible not teach that the bodies of the saints in fact DID roam the streets amongst the living? Matthew 27: 50-53 "Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.

51 And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;

52 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,

53 And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many."  

While this is not a celebration of Halloween, I find it odd to denounce the belief of All Hallows' eve, yet believe the exact same event occurred in Jesus' time.    

-Trick or Treating: My family did not believe in trick or treating, nor would we had out candy and "encourage other children to sin". Every Oct. 31 my parents, my sister, and I would sit in the back bedroom in the dark, eating pizza and watching movies so that any kids who came looking for candy would not see us. I lived in an apartment growing up and had very kind upstairs neighbors. "Uncle Fred" would come down every Nov. 1 and give me and my sister a giant bag of candy and money for All Saints day. He felt bad we missed out. I found that when the tradition began, children would go door to door reciting verses or singing and were given cakes in return for a good job. Other sources say that cakes and treats were offered to those who would say a prayer for the loved ones in that family who had passed away. Sounds like a pretty kind and Christian thing to do if you ask me. 

-Carving pumpkins: I found many articles that say the Jack o' Lantern started because Jack tricked the devil into climbing a tree, and once the devil was up there, Jack carved a cross in the base so the devil was stuck. Apparently Jack was neither allowed into Heaven nor Hell, so he must roam the earth with a candle. The candle was placed inside a turnip, and later into pumpkins so that the candle would burn longer. I would think that a tradition beginning with keeping the devil AWAY from you would be one ok with Christians. But that's just me. 

-Bobbing for apples: This was something that we were allowed to do at these Harvest festivals. But why? Because nothing was sinful or devilish about trying to eat a fruit that God created? Let's look at how THIS tradition began.  An apple represented the goddess Pomona, known for her beauty and fertility. When an apple is sliced, a natural pentagram is shown and this was believed to be a symbol of fertility. All the unmarried people would partake in the matchmaking process to see who would be favored and be the next to be married. Does the Bible not say that "Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain..."? Yet this game has been played at every harvest festival I have attended. 

-Decorations and haunted graveyards: Many of my Christian friends are offended by the sights of zombies, mummies, ghosts, and graves. I do not particularly enjoy these things, I prefer to dress as a princess and decorate with adorable pumpkins, but that's just me. They say that these images will terrify their children and they don't want to subject them to these ideas. May I quote again? John 11:39-44 "Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.

40 Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?

41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me.

42 And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me.

43 And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.

44 And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go." 

Agreed, that would frighten me as well, but why teach your children that what the Bible says is true, yet the people who put mummy decorations in their yard are bringing glory to the devil? 

There are many more Halloween traditions and fun facts to research, and I have found it fascinating. After learning for myself just what the holiday was about, I decided that I would like to partake. I hosted a Halloween party this year, and my mother and sister even attended. I also went into NYC for Halloween night. I was unsure what to expect, jumping from never celebrating to going to the biggest party in the country, but it was great! No one (at least that I saw) was worshiping the devil. Most costumes were fun and happy looking. Everyone was very nice and having a good time all together. I did not feel like I was celebrating in a demonic event or mingling with evil people. 

I believe that everyone has the free will to believe what they would like. But believe it for yourself, not just because of what you were told to believe. So, after my first successful celebration, 

Happy Halloween,

<3 Homeschool Heather 

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Intro

Hi Everyone!
This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. I was raised in a very strict home and was homeschooled throughout my entire childhood, from kindergarten to high school. I was dubbed "Homeschool Heather" by my friends because I was very sheltered and most "normal" things needed to be explained to me. I have many friends who were raised the same way and we have all shared in the struggles of adapting to the world as adults. Now, after living on my own and working in EMS for the last 10 years, people are surprised to learn that I was the "Homeschool Heather" they had heard about in stories.  I began to become frustrated and curious about why I was blindly following traditions that I was taught and began looking for answers on my own to explain how the world works, what the Bible actually says about the rules I was made to follow, and why everyone was so against science. Of course, everyone has a different perspective on how to raise their children and how education should be handled. This is not meant to anger anyone, this is merely my story of my journey of overcoming Homeschool Heather.