If you were to ask any homeschooled kid what the reaction is when people learn that they are homeschooled, I would be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 times the answer will be the same: "But what about socialization?!"
I cannot begin to tell you how many times I was asked this same question throughout my childhood, and even more so in my teens. As a child, this question was mostly directed at my mother, but as I got older I learn to parrot the answers that should be said to "the world".
There was a standard group of responses that all of my friends and I had learned:
"Our siblings are our best friends."
"We are able to be MORE social than children who are grouped by grade and only learn to interact with those in their age group. We can start a conversation with ANYONE!"
If I was feeling snotty: "I'm talking to you, aren't I?"
"We have the option to join any of the sports or social clubs at the public school, if we choose to do so. We just don't feel that is necessary for our education."
"You should see how many pen pals I have! I meet them at our massive conferences once a year. It is like socialization overload!"
"I talk to hundreds of people each week about crucial matters, such as where they will spend eternity, not who wore the same outfit twice in a week (please, we all had quite the assortment of jean jumpers). Speaking of which, if you were to die right now, do you know without a doubt that you would go to Heaven?"
"Sometimes I talk to the bill collectors while I am waiting for my mom to get to the phone."
I remember going to dance class when I was about 4 and sitting on the bench with all the moms. I hated sitting on the floor with the girls. Barney was a terrible influence and only encouraged disobedience and whining. I had no desire to sing his ridiculous clean-up song, nor to make cheap looking crafts out of that bottomless bag. The moms offered more. I liked discussing their thoughts on when they would be potty training their youngest, when they should force veggies or just cave and let my friend have chocolate, or overcoming our addictions. They smoked, I sucked my thumb. We worked on it together.
I'm sure you all share the memory of being made to play with the kids of your parents' friends. These kids ranged from kids who ate soap to kids who would leave me in their rooms while they snuck out the fire escape to go play with their "real friends". It's ok, I read their diaries while they were gone.
I did make a best friend all on my own when I was 5. Liz, who lived next door to my grandma. Even though we met when we were 5, it was one of the best choices I have made. Now when I get to see her (maybe twice a year) it is like only 10 minutes have passed. I don't know what I would have done without Liz. She was my magic mirror, my only window to the outside world. I got to hang out with her school friends sometimes, but I never really fit in with them.
ATI pushed the sibling-being-your-best-friend thing hard (other than Jesus, of course). You were supposed to take a sibling (and Jesus) on any date you went on. What I find really interesting now as an adult is how differently I see verses or passages than when I originally heard or read them growing up. ATI claims to be based completely on scripture. It is, if you pick the parts that match what they want taught. As I write this, one of my Sunday school memory verses popped into my head: Prov. 18:24 "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."
God doesn't even expect your siblings to be your best friends! We were meant to get out there, be part of a team, or drama club, or where you can have a common bond over something.
The sibling-friend plan worked better for the other homeschoolers. They all had 6-15 siblings. With that many kids running around, one is bound to click with you. I have one sister and she is 7 years younger than I am. It's difficult for a 12 year old to be best friends with a 5 year old. Even now at 20 and 27, while it is much easier to talk to her and I consider us very close, we are at totally different places in our lives. I love her more than anyone I have ever loved. I would take down anyone who makes her sad (except for me of course. When I make her cry I usually have convinced myself that she needed to hear whatever it was I said. I am admittedly a bit narcissistic). I would do anything within my power to make her happy, and I would rather die before I see her suffer. She is the most caring, sympathetic person I know. We are able to talk about anything and have no boundaries. Hey, when life gets rough and you have surgery that prohibits you from bathing, you end up very grateful for that kind of sister. I also plan on being the one to deliver her children.
That being said, we are completely opposite people. We drive each other absolutely crazy (I asked her if it was okay to write about this and she took mere moments to agree). Our mother probably is not thrilled with still having to play peacemaker when we want to rip out each other's hair. We have always been opposite. Growing up I was the most outgoing child you could meet. I talked to anyone who I could make listen to me. My sister did not. She learned to talk and developed at a normal age, but she would only talk to members of our immediate family, and eventually a very select few close family friends. "Shy" didn't describe her level of quiet when we were around people who were not on her "talking list". In Sunday school she had one little girl who she would talk to, and she would whisper to that girl if she needed anything and the girl would relay the message for her.
Our mother was my sister's main voice until she was about 10. I tend not to be a very understanding person, and being as outgoing as I was, I refused to speak for my sister. If she wouldn't order her own food, she would have to stay hungry. My mother must have been asked hundreds of times what was wrong with my sister. In our homeschool world, this behavior wasn't odd. Most families had at least one kid like that and they had a "buddy" who would speak for them. If we had been in a school setting, I know that she would have needed to speak to people outside of her comfort zone long before age 10. I'm not sure what changed, but now she is the most social person you'll meet. She will talk to anyone, and she developed a boldness she never had. I can't tell you how proud I am of her for that.
Our cousins were also homeschooled, but I feel like the age differences, and now geographical differences kept us from forming as close of a bond as we could have.
I didn't realize why everyone focused SO much on wanting me to be social! To me, I didn't notice that being partially isolated would ever be an issue. It bothers me that ATI was so focused on keeping us in our homes with our siblings and not having many outside friends. If we did have outside friends, they needed to be "like-minded". We were to "live in the world and not of it". If we had friends who believed something different than what we did, God did not want us the have them as friends. Liz was not "like-minded". She listened to popular music, went to movies, had sleepovers, wore the clothes that were in style, and got a tattoo when she turned 18 (I also have one now) but she was good at being supportive and not making fun of my sheltered ways. She would include me in her normal activities as much as she could.
Socialization is not something that is optional! It is key to our survival. People crave human bonding and closeness. We form alliances. We build social circles over any common bond, as you can prove by a few quick internet searches. Before writing this, I gave it a try. I searched dozens of different activities, interests, even the most bizarre topics I could think of and asked "does anyone else...?" (Note: this is an ill-advised search if you have been left alone with a Bloody Mary).
No matter what you like or type of person you are, there is someone out there who shares that and desires that feeling of not being alone in the world. Now that I'm taking psych classes for college (yes, I'm studying something that has nothing to do with ironing my husband's shirts while wearing pearls!) I see how people who have been placed in isolation suffer severe mental illnesses and some who are isolated from childhood never recover.
It is even Biblical. From the very beginning, it was "not good for man to be alone"!
Although I am very outgoing I had a LOT of trouble adjusting when I made my way out into the world. I still have an issue with my brain-to-mouth filter and have no problem sharing anything and everything. I made several enemies before I made friends. It was awful trying to learn my place in social circles and learning when I should be quiet and mind my own business. I had no idea how to handle conflict in a friendly setting. I was picked on almost constantly. I was usually left out of parties and even church activities because I was weird. I know that not all homeschoolers have the same social handicap. Mine however set me very far back. I looked back over my diaries that I kept when I was about 14 or 15, back when A.I.M. was the greatest way for a kid stuck in the house to talk to friends! I can see now the huge desire for socialization and that I had been trying to assure myself that I had friends. Each entry that I wrote in my diary ends with a list of every person I had talked to that day.
If you met me now you would never guess that I had been sheltered. You would not think that I had a problem functioning in society. I have friends who have been my friends for years because when I met them I told then that we are going to be friends, because I like them, and that's just it. I don't have acquaintances, I have best friends. (One of whom will read this and tell me that I clearly don't know what "best" means). I don't take a single one of them for granted. Each one brings something to my life that another cannot. They have been there when my world was falling down around me, they have saved my life, carried me when I was broken (literally), shared the happiest moments, and no amount of distance or time can change our bonds.
Oddly enough, as defensive as I was about it when I was growing up, I now see lack of socialization as one of the biggest downsides of homeschooling. There are some milestones in life that you just don't face when you are home. I had my first bully at 20. I didn't have to learn to share very much. I didn't play at recess. I didn't trade my lunch. I didn't stress over a prom date. You may think it sounds silly, but I wish I did those things.
The poor bill collectors probably wish I had as well.
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