Over the last year or so I have been seeing just what is out there for options of guys, and the more I date, the more I realize that finding a prince is going to take kissing a lot more frogs!
I was chatting with my mother today about how terribly stupid guys are and how they don't even realize when they are being rude. She told me that I am not the easiest person in the world to date either and if I don't stop being so critical, I am going to end up alone. I wonder, is that such a bad thing?
It was much easier to date when I was fresh out of the cult and naive, and before I met Dreamy Eyes. Dreamy Eyes spoiled all men for me forever by helping me to see that it's okay to say "no" to a guy and to tell them what I don't like. It's okay to expect respect and to leave a date if I don't feel like I am being treated as I want to be treated. I have a Tinder account, which is mostly just for entertainment because I love arguing with guys who are terrible and I will be posting some of those conversations for fun little side articles to show just how awful it is out there. Of the dozens of matches, I felt like a select few were not terrible, and I agreed to dinner. If I had gone on these dates fresh out of the cult, I would probably be married again by now. If all I wanted was a "good Christian man" who wanted to have a bunch of babies I'd be all set. In the cult you are taught not to argue with a man and that men are basically allowed to do whatever they want once you are in a relationship and that they are to be obeyed.
One of my first boyfriends had anger issues. I honestly started dating him because he asked me out and I didn't want to be rude. So I told my mother it would probably only last 2 weeks. It lasted 4 years. Once in a while when we would fight he would hold a knife to my stomach or my throat and I would have to remain very still. Sometimes he would press it harder and harder against my skin to test how much I trusted him. Each time this happened, he would apologize profusely the next day and promise that it would never happen again. I never asked for pity because I knew I was the one making the choice to trust him and give him yet another chance. Bill Gothard teaches that once you have slept with someone, you need to get married to make it right in God's eyes. So, I planned on marrying him, hoping that he would eventually not want to kill me. The benefit of having knives held to my neck was that I became very good at dealing with psychiatric patients and "talking them down" in hectic situations. I finally left for good one day and didn't look back.
I thought I was independent and strong when I got married. My ex-husband never hurt me, and I am not even sure that he knew this, but I don't like to mess around when I first wake up. I have very vivid dreams and sometimes I am not actually all the way awake when I start my day and I need a few minutes to adjust to reality. I often feel very vulnerable and embarrassed by being touched at all when I first wake up, depending on the dream I have just had, but I never said anything because a woman should never deny her husband something he wanted. I'm sure if I said I wanted some time he wouldn't have cared, but it never even crossed my mind to bring up the fact that I felt awkward. This was just what being married should be. It takes a lot of bleach to undo brain washing.
Since then I have been learning more and more about what boundaries I have and lines that I will not allow to be crossed. Some guys find my boundaries odd and too picky, which at first made me think I should just get over it. No! I should only date a guy who is respectful of my comfort level. I was never allowed to be barefoot when I was young. I couldn't wear open toed shoes or paint my toenails. I wore socks to bed. My friends were also required to wear socks when visiting my house. It wasn't until I was older and came upon an unfortunate google search history on the family computer that I realized why my father didn't allow bare feet. It infuriates me that I was punished because as a girl, it is my fault that I caused a man to be tempted and not that my father would have to deal with controlling a fetish. If I happen to fall asleep wearing my socks, I have been told that I will rip them off and throw them across the room. If a guy so much as touches my feet, I get really nauseated.
I understand that tickling is a common flirtatious act and that spanking is a common action with couples in playful or passionate situations, but both will make me either cry or want to break your arm. When I was little and used to get out of the bath and be standing in my towel, my father would tickle me. I hated this because I was naked and if I dropped my towel I would have nothing there to protect myself. I was recently on a date and the guy simply forgot that I didn't like tickling. I instantly placed a death grip on his wrists and he said the look in my eyes was terrifying. I don't intend at all to be mean, but the instinct to protect myself has grown very strong. I got spanked a lot as a kid also. I get that parents spank, but I never found it as anything other than pure punishment. We had a variety of wooden spoons that were used for spanking. One was long and thin which made a very sharp sting. Another was round and flat and covered more area. If I had committed a terrible offense my father would call home from work every few hours to make sure that my mother spanked me some more. My mother was merciful though and found a pillow that was thick and sounded like muscle when hit (my father would insist on hearing the spanking happen) and I got good at wailing at the right moment so that it appeared my sentence had been served. Sometimes my father would hit when I had done nothing wrong but instead of apologize, he would tell me that I had probably done something wrong and not been punished for it, so I still deserved the punishment. Guys still think it's okay to push the issue though. Their calls no longer get answered.
When I got divorced I set myself up at Dreamy Eyes apartment and lived on his couch until I felt better. (Don't tell him I feel better!) Since then he has spoiled me. If I stay over between work shifts, he will have my bed all set up with a top sheet (I have been really good about where I squeeze the toothpaste), the pillow cases with the openings facing out because I don't like those near my face, an extra pillow for snuggling, a heating pad already heated if it is winter, and my phone charger plugged into the nearest outlet. He thinks this is standard nice behavior. I think it is beyond what would be expected. I would be happy with a blanket on the couch. I mentioned that I like cucumbers in my water, and now there are bags of sliced cucumber in the fridge. I kept forgetting to grab a hairbrush, and one day this appeared on my shelf:
Each time I go on a date and tell Dreamy Eyes about it, he gets increasingly frustrated that guys are terrible. I have lamented that I will end up needing to lower my expectations and each time I do, I hear a very encouraging and supportive "Raise that bar, Gorgeous!"
I have been working on raising that bar, but sometimes the bar gets heavy and exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who isn't amused by his own farts? Why is it too much to ask for them to treat wait staff like people? Why must they get offended if I get annoyed when my level of comfort and safety is approaching its limits? I was out hiking on one date and it got dark. I had my phone with me but he had nothing. I used my phone for a flashlight and I wanted to keep my map page open so we could have the best route back to the car. We sat for a bit and seeing as I had tight pants, my phone wouldn't fit in my pocket, so I put it in my bra. My date was irritated that I put my phone there because he wanted to explore. I was not even a little bit interested in that and was happy with where I had placed my phone. He offered to put my phone in his pocket and got very offended when I refused. At this point I was ready to go home. I don't think he was a bad guy nor do I think he was trying to take my phone away on purpose, but it bothered me that he didn't respect that he was crossing my level of feeling safe. A few years ago I'm sure I would have politely handed over the phone. Now I am bold enough to insist on what I need to do to remain in my comfort zone.
I wish there was some way to decline a future date without being made to feel like the villain. It would be easier if guys would just accept "Thanks for dinner, it was lovely to meet you, but no thank you". They don't. They always ask why. Why if I want to date did I not want to date them? Why did I decide so much after one date instead of giving them more chances? I am not into wasting my time and then having it be worse by wasting their time also after 6 of 7 dates. Why if they insist on hearing my reasons for declining do they then get offended by the fact that I noticed bothersome flaws?
After being spoiled by Dreamy Eyes I now find it unacceptable that if while driving I say "Hey look, Taco Bell is still open!" that they don't understand that this means "Get me a mommy fudging quesadilla". I no longer feel like I need a prince to rescue me, because, as Dreamy Eyes says "If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you have is a distressed damsel". I do however like to be doted upon and treated like a girly girl. None of the guys I've dated have bought me flowers. That is of course not a deal breaker, but flowers make me smile. Dreamy Eyes has gotten me several beautiful bouquets for no reason other than he says that he likes making me happy. Flowers make me REALLY happy.
The other day I could not find my giant glass of cucumber water. I thought that Dreamy Eyes had thrown it away because I had done something annoying. I sighed and said "Well, I guess I deserved that" and he spent several minutes telling me that not only did he not throw out my drink, but that I would not have deserved it if he had. Another time we were having pasta and as I went to have some of his I dropped a noodle on the floor. He picked it up and ate it. I was shocked that HE ate it and didn't make me eat it, since I was the one who dropped and wasted it. It is just instinctual for me to think that if I have been remotely wrong, I deserve to be belittled and punished. I KNOW that I don't, and after a few moments I get back to reality, but it is buried deep into my brain that I am worthless and should find it normal to be treated poorly by men. I am so grateful that Dreamy Eyes has helped me to see that men shouldn't be terrible, although I still believe I am forever spoiled. There is a line from one of my favorite movies that goes "My father's house was a nightmare. Your house was a dream. Now I want something in between."
I am not at all where ATI would think I should be by now. I am 27, single, and have seen none of my children born. I work 4 jobs and I am working on higher education. I am not in a foreign country as a missionary. I am not under the authority of a man. As I was getting ready for work today I realized that for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I smile just because I feel like it. I don't want to settle for guys who are less than what I need. I am proud of myself for being able to stand my ground and not give in when guys attempt guilt trips. One of my patients asked me if I was married, and I said "no". The patient told me "Oh, well that's okay". I smiled and told them that yes, it is very much okay, because for the first time in my life I don't feel like I am out to attain a goal that someone else thinks I should have. I am exactly where I should be, and I intend on getting that bar higher and higher as I continue to fight my way out of the cult's very real bondage.
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