Train up a child...

   

Three generations of the most important women in my life

         Recently I have been hearing mixed reviews about how open I am in my writings and the topics I have chosen thus far. I expected this, and I enjoy it.  Although I believe that there are a few things in need of clarification. It has been brought to my attention that people of the cult have been approaching my mother and telling her that they are so sorry for the things that I am writing, they are sorry that I openly criticize her, and they are praying for her because they have felt the pain of having a wayward child. They tell her that they are sorry I have lost my faith. I don't remember anywhere in the Bible where it says that having faith means that you cannot bring to light what happens in a cult, that was created by man. I have been told that I should inform my mother of the contents of my blog before I publish it so that she does not learn of my stories from the internet, as the rest of the world does. I am told that I should have more respect for my mother than to embarrass her by saying that she raised me in a cult. What those Pharisees fail to understand is that I have never once criticized my mother in any of my writings, and she is very aware of how I have felt on many of these topics for years now, and I choose all of my words carefully. 

     My mother raised one shy child and one very bold child (I'll give you a moment to figure out which is which). My mother only spanked me once when I was small (well, twice if you count the time that she acted before she heard the story of what was happening and I was beyond devastated that she would ever think I would be doing something so horrid, but I digress). She didn't need to spank me more than that because I was very much a self-governed child. The amount of guilt I would feel if I did something that could possibly disappoint my mom was overwhelming. If I tried to keep a secret from her I would throw up almost constantly until I told her whatever it was that I had done. She was never very surprised, and was usually very understanding. Perhaps she is not aware of each detail of my stories before I write them, but none are news to her. Also, my mother was raised by a woman with no filter at all, I come by my personality quite honestly. 

        My mother has a fine balance of being the perfectly submissive wife and a normal mom, and fits the role so well that it drives me insane. My mother obeys every word my father says, and sometimes she follows only to a gesture or a snap, but I did not inherit that trait. When my mother was in the hospital and my father was home with me, you can bet he made his own coffee that day. My mother is also good at allowing me and my sister to live our lives within reason. My mom did not enforce the ridiculous rules set by the cult such as limiting our TV to 2 hours a week, not wearing pants (although we didn't for a while, but I could have), and knew that I was going to date anyway, so she might as well be on board with it. When we got older, my mom didn't stop me or Hope from swearing (within reason). If that was a safe way to vent our anger and frustration, it was a much healthier choice than smoking or drugs. I am glad that my mom is good at keeping her own standards, while not forcing them onto me. She hasn't had any alcohol since she became pregnant with me. My father will not attend parties that I host because I serve alcohol. My mother attends my parties (Mama Harvey is now in fact quite the party staple among my friends) and she just has her sparkling cider without judging anyone else's choices. 

        Writing my blog has not upset my mother at all. She respects my opinions and often says that I make very good points. Through some of the more serious topics about which I have written, I have actually found out more about my mom and she has seen that it's okay to talk about terrible things that have happened to you. I was not allowed to celebrate Halloween as a child, but Halloween was the topic of one of my first posts. My mom agreed that many of the rules put in place by the church were for no good reason, and not only did she attend my Halloween party, but she full on embraced it! 

I have one, but none of us actually needed a wig for our princess

         In my last post I wrote about how I was told I was rejecting God's plan for my life by becoming a paramedic instead of going to Bible college. A few weeks ago my mom texted me after church and sent me the following: (Edited slightly to protect the innocent) "You know I was thinking of you yesterday during the sermon. I was thinking how awesome you are...(I did not instantly respond)...Do you want to hear why?" My mother knows how humble I am, but of course I responded "YES!!!"

"He was talking about vision and you know he meant a ministry like soul winning and stuff like that, and he said that without vision, the people perish. Well, without Heather the people perish! You have far greater vision than someone knocking on doors just to make yourself feel like you are doing God's work. And don't post this!" (that was before I took out the curses). "I was watching a video of someone helping people get out of their cars after a crash and I thought, Heather does this sort of stuff every day! She is so awesome. I wish I could do that. Lifesaver Heather! That's my girl!! What a fantastic thing to do. You are the one who makes a real difference in people's lives." See, even home schoolers have a cheerleading squad. 

No, I don't wear the tiara on calls...unless it makes a squishy happy

          I don't blame my mother for the fact that I was raised in a cult. No one wakes up one day and thinks, "Hey! I am sick of making choices in my own life, I would like to start living by some ridiculous standards laid out by a man, that I shall never question, and I will subject my children to their false teachings and abuse as well!". No. That is not how it works. I asked my mother one day why I was home schooled. I have a video from my 3rd birthday party where my mom is talking about driving the school bus so that she didn't have to be away from me in a few years. My mother, like many of us, just wants to be loved and accepted. She told me that when she was a teenager she started going to church with her brother. The pastor of that church was a big fan of Bill Gothard, the founder of ATI. My mother and my uncle went to a few of Bill Gothard's seminars and found a place where they could study the Bible and reasonably fit in. From there everything sort of slowly kept drawing my mother in deeper. My father enjoyed the seminars as well, which is not surprising because Bill Gothard is a firm believer in the man having rule over the woman. My mother had never heard of home schooling before ATI, but once she found out about an option where she would never have to be apart from her reason for living, she was in! Besides, as all parents assume, her kid was smarter than the rest, why hold them back at a "normal" learning pace? 

There was also a lot of talk about keeping your kids under the "umbrella of protection" Here is mom in action!

          None of the terrible things that happened in ATI or at the cult where my parents still attend church happened on my mother's watch. Last weekend, Gramma and I got all fired up and asked my mom to give a good reason why she still attends the cult. My mother fully admits that it is a cult, but she said that my father likes it there, they have been there for almost 15 years, and "They have a good Biblical foundation, it's just the things that they teach are wrong".  So not to worry, Pharisees, who tell my mother that you are praying for her wayward, lost child. She knows all that I am doing and she is realistic enough to understand the choices I make. My mother loves my blog and the fact that I had the boldness to leave that she lacks. She also knows that this is not an insult. She knows that I only want her to be happy and free, but I am not going to be able to do that for her. 

        Many of my friends who have left the cult and made different choices for their lives have parents who won't speak to them anymore because they have allowed so much sin into their lives. Over the past few years I have had many difficult choices to make. When my ex-husband wanted a divorce, I didn't fight and I signed the papers. Although divorce is unacceptable in the church's eyes, my mother never expressed anything but sympathy. When I was pregnant with my 6th baby, I was told the baby was not growing and I waited to miscarry, as I had with the others. I spent a Mothers' day pregnant but devastated. My mom wasn't upset at all that I ignored Mothers' day that year, she knew I wasn't forgetting her. I didn't miscarry, and I was advised by my doctors that for my health I should end the pregnancy. Of course this is an all-out-bound-for-hell sin in a church, but there was no chance that the baby would be nearly functional, if he even lived at all. Not once did my mother bring up the fact that I was being told I should commit the worst sin possible. When I was about to go in for the surgery, I sent her a picture of the final ultrasound. She told me that once she saw that, she saw how sick and small he was, and she no longer felt like vomiting and sobbing, but fully supported what I had to do. Something that I can't imagine any ATI mother saying to her child. My mother came to stay with me and care for me after the surgery, and told me that no matter what, I made her a grandmommy. 

         Often my mom won't "like" things on my Facebook because she doesn't want "to hear all the crap" from the church people about it when it shows up on her page. When I got my tattoo, I showed my mom and she said "Okay, I like it, but I'm not liking it on Facebook!"

       My mother never forced faith on us. She is very quiet about her beliefs and she will share if she is asked. My father forced us to do "wisdom searches" and sometimes as punishment I would be made to read passages that applied to the sin I had committed. I usually had to read James because I had issues with pride (clearly his methods of making me humble were futile). My father is one of those people who asks a waitress if she is saved or not, and who prays loudly over a meal in a restaurant, but only at home on holidays. The Bible admonishes the Pharisees for praying loudly in the streets so that all can hear and behold how righteous they are. I'm pretty sure that my mother has studied the Bible more than my father has, but she does so on her own, quietly. When I lived home and I would get up and come to her room, I would see her reading, but she never made a show of it. She doesn't like to go up to the altar at the cult and make a big show of the fact that she got a rhema from the sermon. I know that my mother prays, but I know that she is genuine about it. 

She also didn't force me to learn how to cook

    

        When Hope and I would fight, my mother would mix movie quotes with Bible verses. "Be nice to your sister! Pray for those who persecute you! Don't mix beer and wine, ever. Agree with thine adversary quickly! Bless them that curse you and despitefully use you! Don't drive on the railroad tracks!"  When I had to memorize Proverbs 31, my mom drew each verse with an example of Cinderella being a virtuous woman and hung them through the entire hallway. She made the Bible applicable to real life, or that of a princess.

         The Bible says "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." I am exceedingly elated that the brainwashed people of the cult think that I am wrong for how I am. That means my mother followed what the Bible taught her...and let her own works praise her in the gates.  

Happy Mothers' Day, Mommy! Love, Da Headdas